You open your eyes.

And there's the white ceiling, and yelling, it sounds distant, but you know it’s not. The movement’s all around you.

You blink.

It’s always the same when you leave that room, that floaty lingering feeling.

“Matthew, can you hear us?”

You sit up, recognizing where you are. It’s an easy one this time. An ambulance.

They really let you come back, but considering how angry they sounded, perhaps you don’t have that much time. There’s two paramedics and they’re checking Matt’s vital signs, trying to call his name, get him to react.

Looking his ID.

You’re so thankful they brought you back, so thankful someone came in Matt’s aid. The beeping sound of the vital signs machine it's the most comforting sound right now.

(And Matt's quiet breathing).

You are so happy he’s alive.

He’s bleeding and looking pale, but he’s alive.

He’s alive.

***

It must be similar to how you died.

The process, that’s it. Calls and hospitals and crying and families.

(The comments people make).

so young

Denial and panic and more crying,

so sad

headaches, trembling hands, regrets,

why would he do that to himself

death happening.

***

You got to the hospital quickly. No public hospital because that’d have taken forever and apparently Matt has a decent health insurance. Even though you have to be there, next to Matt, you don’t want to be in the room. You know Matt’s been treated there, but you can’t bring yourself to go in.

You’re there as a proper bystander and wondering if Matt will be alright. You don’t care if you end up missing more days, you just want a few more hours with Matt.

What if Matt dies? What would you do then?

And most importantly, did you cause this?

You two saw your friends happy and maybe that made him feel something… you don’t know, you felt pretty bad yourself.

Is this all your fault?

It's been hours and Matt's family hasn't arrived yet, they live far away. You can't imagine what it means to them to receive a phone call saying that Matt's on a clinic due to a suicide attempt. Them not being here means that Matt's room it's empty, no visitors just yet.

You know he's awake, but you can't bring yourself to go inside just yet. 

You remember the day you saw your mom, his sad smile, the encouraging words.

and I'm sorry, but it's not your fault

You go inside.

His eyes are closed, wrists tied to the bed railings and there's a bandage on his left arm.

You don't need to say a word for him to open his eyes and turns to look at you, expression unreadable. (And his thoughts too).

“Matt…” You have no idea what to say to him right now. “Matt, I…”

“I always wanted to talk to you,” He says and you immediately close your mouth. You never… you thought he hated you, you didn’t know. And you thought you didn't know him, but now you're having doubts all over again. And he looks so honest saying it that you feel guilty all over again. “But I never did, I regret that.”

But does he mean you? Your group of friends?

He’s talking as if he saw you but you don’t remember…

You look down, there’s nothing on his head, nothing you can make up. So you say nothing.

I’m glad you didn’t die, you want to say, but you don’t know why the words won’t come off of your mouth.

After all the mess last night, there’s peace again.

It’s like you just fell off a cliff and against all odds, survived.

That’s exactly how Matt must feel too.

He’s the one alive after all.

***

Matthew’s family has arrived.

Theo (3) looks at where you are and you stand still.

“Are you sick, Matt?” Theo asks, and he’s so tiny and so sweet, eyes still glued to yours even though he's asking his brother. He clearly can’t see what’s going on and you wish he’d never have to. Charlie (5) looks a bit more wary, but he’s still a kid, you can’t imagine to suspect.

“Theo, love, let me talk to Matt for a second,” his mom says and you almost wince because of Matt’s expression. He looks scared, worried that he might get lectured over this.

She wasn’t crying when she got here, but as soon as she saw him, she wouldn’t stop.

Now she seems calmer, pulling herself together for the sake of her younger children, you guess.

You’re so mad at yourself for not worrying about Matt.

You could have avoided this, couldn’t you?

Matt lets Theo play around the room and Charlie looks from his mom to his little brother, not knowing what to do.

“There, there, Mattie,” Theo says, patting over the bandages and Matt’s eyes fill with tears.

You look down at them, anguish dissolving into relief. They love him. They do love him and they’ll stay with him.

At least you’re sure about that.

A sob breaks down the scene and you turn to look at Matt’s mom, this time it looks even sadder than before.

“Charlie, please take your brother outside,” she says, voice breaking with every word. Charlie goes into full big-brother-mode and he takes Theo’s hand and takes him outside, babbling about how they can eat jello like they did in the morning.

When they have left the room, you feel too much like an intruder to stay.

Matt’s staring down, expression unreadable, and his mom’s crying, shoulders shaking.

Matt doesn’t even look at you, he hasn’t acknowledged you since you talked this morning. You nod to yourself and leave the room.

Last night’s ordeal caused something in this family, affected them in a way similar to your own family, probably. But you won’t meddle in his family business. It feels unfair to witness this when you did nothing to help and you’ve got no idea what will happen next.

Matt’s been respectful of your own process. The least you can do for him is leave.

He deserves that much.