CASE LOG #71. FILED UNDER: “STANDARD APPARITION; RESIDENTIAL.”
CALL TO ACTION: “Sir, my dog keeps barking at nothing. Her name is [REDACTED], she's a pug, she’s really fat and cute. Please help me. Her bark is really cute but I Am Afraid.” - from [name omitted]
BEGIN LOG TRANSCRIPT.
It comes as no surprise that the dog was able to identify the conundrum before its owner. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: without pets, we’d all have fallen prey to the paranormal centuries ago. For whatever reason, our furry friends have always been able to see things we humans can’t. A lost shoe tucked beneath the bed. A week-old granola bar at the bottom of a backpack. Ghosts. That reminds me of a story, actually. Once, I was chasing down a banshee in Scotland, and—[cough].
Anyway, the case.
After receiving this message, I put on my hat and met the sender at their home in [REDACTED]. Nice little place in the suburbs, surrounded by identical homes in every direction—everyone knows the kind. Tall, brick, too many windows. The difference was this one was covered in ivy. It was as I’d suspected; the sender’s dog had a nose for apparitions. Not a lot of folks know this, but ivy doesn’t just grow willy nilly. It follows spirits. It’s the first sign I look for in a good haunting.
Ms. [omitted] greeted me at the door and led me inside. I asked a few questions (typical stuff, “How long’s this been going on?” “Do you have an attic?” “Eat any salads recently?”). We didn’t talk much after that. Ms. [omitted] was nervous, and I was busy petting her dog. She didn’t have an attic, but she admitted to a rarely-used closet in the hallway, which she led me to, the dog padding at our heels.
Before opening the door, I took my glasses out of my pocket and propped them on the end of my nose, then rolled up my sleeves and set my briefcase on the floor, open. I knocked on the door. Whatever was in there knocked back, sarcastically, and I resisted rolling my eyes. I hate old people.
I told Ms. [omitted] to stand back, and opened the door.
The dog howled. Ms. [omitted] knelt beside it and tried to pull it away from the door—unable to see what the dog and I could, but still worried. The apparition in the closet shook his fist at me and stuck out his tongue and made one gesture that is unprintable. In his defense, I guess anyone would be mad if they were interrupted doing business in a hallway closet.
With my usual calm precision, I juggled my LED flashlight out of the briefcase on the floor and beamed it on the old man, who howled (silently, of course. Unless it belongs to a medium, the naked ear can’t hear apparitions. Which reminds me of—nevermind) and clawed at the walls, his form buzzing and splitting like something on a bad TV screen. (Fun fact, ghosts are a lot like TV. But again, that’s a story for another time.)
Overall, Ms. [omitted]’s apparition apprehension should be over, as well as her dog’s noise issue, though her house will be abnormally chilly for a couple weeks. Case #71 was your standard residential haunting, solvable with your equally standard LED flashlight. If only more people knew they could get rid of a ghost with a little light! Really, folks, installing a closet light is simple and cost-effective, look into it.
On second thought, don’t. I need a job.
Anyway, luckily, the spirit was harmless. He just didn’t like animals, I guess. Hopefully, there’s not too many where he’s going.
END OF TRANSCRIPT.
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