Getting home that night was no problem, my room widow leads right to a fire escape so I can get in and out without anyone ever knowing. Granted there is one issue with getting home at 4 AM. Uncle Mike thinks I’m sleeping so him and whatever that night’s flavour is are going at it. Lucky for my dad he sleeps like a rock so he gets through most night’s not even knowing Mike had anyone over. Sometimes it is fun to scare whoever he had over though, just waiting in the kitchen for Mick to inevitably kick them out at 6 AM. I only really do that when I have the energy though, or if I need a good laugh/reason to tease Mike the next mourning.
I site on my bead, taking off my gloves and hat, my long hair falling out of it before stripping off my sweater and shirt. I looked over into the mirror, my long wavy dark hair and olive eyes looking back at me, my mulatto skin being the only thing my mother gave me. With my dad being stark white it wasn't hard to figure out that I didn't get the melanin from him. He told me she was darker than I am though, like I got the middle ground of both of them. At least that's what he tells me since I've never actually met or seen her. I try not to bring it up though, it always seems to put my dad in a bad mood.
My hand goes onto my chest where the binder was making it flat, I didn't want to take it off. My other hand went to my hair and lifted it so I could try and see what it would look like if it were short. I still hadn't told my dad, but I was getting my haircut tomorrow. I also had an appointment with Doctor Kingsley. I had already gotten the blood-work done and he was going to be giving me my dosage tomorrow.
I felt bad, the first thing I did on my 18th birthday was go see a doctor about HRT (hormone replacement therapy) so that I could start on it as soon as possible. I lied and told him I was going to hang out with friends. My dad has been through enough though having spent all those years in the army, seeing so much taken away from him. I don't want him to feel like he loses his daughter too, even if she never existed. I know with starting to take hormones though, I'm giving myself a time limit. I mean he's going to start noticing the changes eventually. I let myself seap in my thought's for a while. I sighed, a breath seeming to carry the weight of the world, or at least my world. I should get some sleep, I may not need as much as most people but I do still need it.
I lied down on my dark blue duvet wearing just my boxers and my binder. With the window open it was slightly cold but that's how I liked it. I closed my eyes, my hand moving over where my chest was flat from the compression. The hardest part of every night is always taking it off. Eventually, I always do though, I can't afford any broken ribs. I already get enough injuries that I have to hide courtesy of the criminals I run down every night. Keeping two big secrets from my dad and uncle. I'm a pretty shitty son huh? I had a pit in my stomach thinking about it.
My uncle would probably take it ok, I mean he's gay so he's got a foot in the door of that world. From what I can tell my dad has never had a problem with my uncles sexuality. Despite that though, he'll say thing's sometimes that make me worry. I mean accepting someone's sexuality is very different from accepting someone's gender identity. It's kind of a team effort, he and my uncle will have to start using "he" and calling me "nephew" and "son". I'm just scared that our relationship will never be the same after I tell him. He's been my everything throughout my life, and so has my uncle.
I laugh a bit, realizing that I'm more scared of coming out than I was of that gun earlier. On the other hand though, I wanted my dad to see me, really see me. When I go out at night completely covered like that and helping whoever needs it, they're looking at me not knowing my gender, they only see the person that just helped them. It's been my escape from the dysphoria for a while now. Maybe it's selfish to want more. But I can't go my whole life going along being something I'm just not.
I take a breath.
I think I'm going to have to tell my dad tomorrow. I've been thinking on it for a while now but I don't want to have to go around hiding my needless. I don't really want him accidentally finding them one day and end up thinking I'm a heroin addict or some crap. To ease myself into telling him though, I might start by just telling my uncle. He has trans friends so he'll be easier to explain it to. That doesn't mean I'm not still worried though. As I've learnt when it becomes about a person's family there opinion on it might not be what you expect.
It's not just about the testosterone though. I've been thinking about it since I got kicked out of my last school. Don't judge me I have bad temper when it comes to shitty people, besides none of them died or had permanent damage so they were just overreacting. Anyway moving on, my point is with the new school I'm going to be attending, it'd be cool if I could go there authentically being myself. Even if I am going to be attending a school that basically is infested with the children of people that are not that. Politicians and royalty basically. I've never really cared to much about what others thought of me, well, unless it's my father or uncle that is. Either way, it would be nice to start over in a place where I'm only known as Sai and nothing else.
As I sat there thinking about how I was going to go about this and whether or not the school would pose a challenge in regards to it I remembered something from earlier. The panicked voice of the scraggly looking guy echoed in my head. The Westminsters... Westminster High School? Isn't that... isn't that the name of the school I'm going to be going to?