Matthews broke, his control shredded, unable to stop the words pouring from his heart. “Please don’t. I love you so much, this is tearing me apart!”
Kent’s hands fell to his sides, he felt stunned. “What do you mean, you love me?”
“I love you! I love you more than anything.”
Kent looked at him blankly. “Then why the bloody hell did you throw me over for Hardy?” he demanded.
“You were right, I’m a coward. I love you so much it frightened me. I couldn’t bear the thought that one day you wouldn’t come when I wanted you, so I thought I’d give you up before it was too late. I knew I was getting to the stage where I’d do anything, anything, to keep you, and a ship’s Captain can’t afford to be like that. So I took Hardy to try and forget you. God was that a disaster! It didn’t work of course—I was already in love with you.” Matthews paused, questioningly, “I thought you’d be glad to be rid of me— was I wrong?”
Kent just stared at him. “Oh my God, Luke, you were so wrong! I was so hurt and bewildered... and jealous I went crazy!”
“Jealous?” Matthews was uncomprehending.
“Yes you bloody great idiot, jealous! I would have thought it was obvious. There I was admiring, worshipping you and then you added sexual attraction to that, what would you expect other than I’d fall head over heels in love with you? And then you dropped me with a polite ‘I won’t be wanting you any more,’ and today I just lost it! I wanted to hurt you as much as you hurt me.”
Oh God, what had he done? Richard had been falling in love with him and he’d never guessed. He’d held the possibility of heaven in his hands and he’d thrown it to the floor and stamped his heel on it. “I am so, so sorry, Richard, I never meant to hurt you. I never even dreamt you... you were falling for me, I thought you were just going through the motions. Believe me, I would never have started something with someone else if I’d known.”
Kent stared at him, wondering how much to believe, it hadn’t seemed to him as if the Captain had cared for him at all.
Matthews had to ask, even though he already feared the answer. “Do you think you could ever forgive me?”
Kent paused, then told him flatly, “I asked Nguyen to have sex with me today.”
And there it was, just like that, an instant knife through his heart. If Richard had felt anything like he was feeling now, he could understand exactly why he had hit him. In fact he would have slapped himself around if he could have. Unfortunately, after what he had done, he had absolutely no right to object.
“Oh. I see. I’ve really messed this up haven’t I?” It should have been he who was Richard’s first lover, better yet his only lover, not someone else. “I know it’s probably too late now, but I didn’t actually sign your transfer papers, you know.”
“What?” Kent searched hastily for the form and looked at what the Captain had actually written. Instead of his signature there were two words. “Don’t go.”
The colour drained from his face. He looked back at Matthews and blurted, “I didn’t sleep with Nguyen. He turned me down, he knew I didn’t really mean it.”
As they were standing there, staring at each other, each wondering what next, the door chimed and broke the moment. Matthews turned to see whose ID was flashing and winced, it was Hardy. He so did not want to see him but he had to. He looked at Kent, “I’m sorry, Richard, but I need to see him. I need to end the relationship. It’s over, whatever happens between you and me.”
Kent merely nodded and left as Hardy entered, unable to bear being in the same room as him. Hardy stared with raised eyebrows at the Captain’s open uniform. “What’s been going on here?”
Matthews found the next scene as unpleasant as he had feared. He knew he had treated Hardy badly and listened with as much patience as he could to his complaints, but he also knew there had been no real feelings involved on either side. Eventually he persuaded him to leave, already planning a transfer under Rule 158 for him. Perhaps it wasn’t fair but it was necessary. He would do the best he could to get him a good berth on another, non-proscribed, ship.
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