She doesn’t stay. The barely noticeable blood on the road makes her stomach roll and her throat tighten with anxiety. Jaslene marks down the address of the house closest to it and leaves as fast as she can. Her heartbeat is thunder in her ears, drowning out everything else as she stumbles down the street, shaking and taking in shallow, gasping breaths.

Somehow, Jaslene manages to reach the small part two streets back. It’s quiet; no one is around during the middle of a weekday and Jaslene can fall apart in peace.

There are tables and benches scattered around the edges of the park. Jaslene doesn’t reach any of them. Instead, she collapses besides a tree and dry heaves between its roots. Nothing comes up, thankfully; she hasn’t eaten much of anything lately, but her body still shivers and retches and rips her throat raw.

It takes time before her stomach finally settles and she can lean back and gasp for breath. She doesn’t want to check and see how long she’s been out here investigating her own death, so she doesn’t. Jaslene just leans against the tree and goes through a breathing exercise her therapist had taught her when she still needed to go to therapy.

Breathe deep through the nose, into the diaphragm. Hold for seven seconds. Breathe out through the mouth for five. Hold for five. Breathe in again and repeat for as long as necessary. It’s been a long time since she’s needed to do this.

Jaslene chokes on her exhale and it breaks into a sob.

“Fuck,” she whispers, her voice rough. The wind snatches up the words and pulls her voice away. Her chest hurts, her heart aching, and Jaslene gasps for air like she’s drowning. She hates crying. Always has.

‘So you died,’ she thinks to herself, bitterly, ‘Get over it.’

It’s not that easy. Nothing is, but God she wishes it was.

The tears keep coming, keep slipping down her cheeks until Jaslene presses her palms against her eyes and forces herself to stop.

“It’s not a big deal,” she tells herself. “You already knew you were dead. You already knew. Snap out of it. Seeing a little blood isn’t a big deal.”

You knew. You knew. You knew.

But that doesn’t mean it was real to you. Not really.

She’s tired. She’s so, so tired. Her head is pounding and her eyes feel sore and she feels the weight of the world pressing down on her shoulders. She is both Atlas, carrying a terrible weight, and the world, a small disaster away from shattering. Pressure on her chest, pressing down on her ribcage with bruising heaviness, and maybe her body is slowly falling apart because it’s never been so hard to breathe before.

A hand presses against her stomach and her shirt sticks to the bandages there; more cuts are bleeding and the picture of her blood on the asphalt won’t leave her mind.

Jaslene forces herself up on shaking legs and wipes her face roughly with her sleeve. The walk home would take enough time that the red should leave her eyes. She’s a step closer to finding her body. She’s only slightly afraid that this will lead her straight to her killer. It doesn’t matter; what are they going to do? Kill her again?

She leaves the park, leaves the neighborhood, and resolutely refuses to think about stepping into the road and getting hit by a car; she’d just wake up again anyway.

--

>y’all good to sneak out tonight?

                                                                                                                  bigfoot, 3:18pm

>what r u planning <.<

                                                                                                                  gay egg, 3:18pm

>i’m down! what gay nonsense are we up to this time??

                                                                                                        Sports drink, 3:19pm

>so you know how im trying to date mothman?

>yeah so we’re going cryptid hunting

                                                                                                                bigfoot, 3:19pm

>YES i will bring snacks!!!

                                                                                                        Sports drink, 3:19pm

>i expect to get a ghost gf from this otherwise u owe me food

                                                                                                                 gay egg, 3:19pm

>If something bad shows up i’m leaving u all behind

                                                                                                         living anime, 3:20pm

>:ooo what’s this about cryptid hunting??

                                                                                                             Jazzy frog, 3:24pm

>u feeling up for it? we can do it some other day if ur still sick

                                                                                                                 bigfoot, 3:26pm

>I’m feeling better!!! What time we goin?

                                                                                                              Jazzy frog, 3:27pm

>meet at school, office side, 9?

                                                                                                                   bigfoot, 3:27pm

>sounds good!!

                                                                                                         Sports drink, 3:28pm

>i’ll bring my car if we need it?

                                                                                                                  gay egg, 3:28pm

>yes pls

                                                                                                                  bigfoot, 3:28pm

>My parents will be asleep by then so yea

                                                                                                             Jazzy frog, 3:29pm

>aya? You in?

                                                                                                                  gay egg, 3:37pm

>Sorry my dad was talking to me but hes gonna be out of town for two days

>So i can go!!

                                                                                                          living anime, 3:42pm

>AYY THE SQUADS ALL HERE FOR THIS ADVENTURE

                                                                                                         Sports drink, 3:45pm

>see u all at 9!!!!!!!!!

                                                                                                                  bigfoot, 3:46pm

--

Her parents wish her goodnight and head off for bed after a long day. Jaslene listens closely to hear their bedroom door shut, then counts the minutes. The house is chillingly silent, but Jaslene has had years of practice on being quieter.

Breathe through the mouth. Light steps. Open doors slowly. Don’t step on anything.

Jaslene grabs her hoodie and shoves a roll of sports tape into its pocket, despite how much she put on after her shower. She rolls up a few extra blankets and shove them under her comforter, then slips out of the window with ease.

She’s done this for years. She wonders if she did this the night she died.

Jaslene holds her phone in her hand and reads through the group chat again for distraction. All the windows on the street are dark, the neighborhood asleep, but Jaslene stills pulls up the hood and walks as quickly as she can. The neighborhood grannies love to gossip about anything they see, and she’s one of their favorite topics.

No cars pass her on the path to school. The few people she sees walking the street sends her heart into her throat; any one of them could be a murderer. Images of blood spring to mind that morph into Matthew and Jude. Jaslene walks faster and prays her friends are waiting for her.

The school looks ominous at night. It’s so big and empty, completely dark without a single light on. No students fill the space with sound or movement; it’s easy to see why there are so many horror stories taking place in empty, abandoned schools. The only time schools are okay during the night is during Grad Night, and shit, she’s never going to get to experience it, is she?

Jaslene scowls; for four years, she’s been looking forward to graduating and getting to study things she actually enjoyed. Now she has to look for her body and plan her own funeral.

How unfair.

She turns the corner to the office side of the school. There’s a car parked on the side of the street, in the area reserved for buses. It looks sketchy and she’s normally walk away, but she can already see Jake sitting on the hood and waving his hands around as he spoke.

“Hey guys,” Jaslene says, throwing up a peace sign when they turn to greet her. Jake waves her closer to where he and Tomàs are talking. Deija sits in the car hugging herself to stay warm as she shivers and Aya leans against the door looking at the ground. Her mask is still on and she looks tired, dark bruises under her eyes that make Jaslene want to go into mom-friend mode.

“Alright!” Jake claps his hands and hops of the car. “We’re all here! Let’s get going then.”

Deija needs no further prompting to start the car, and they all pile in, a mess of limbs and voices. Jake takes shotgun and pulls up the GPS on his phone. He types in an address and hands it to Deija, who glances at the directions and sets off.

“Where are we going?” Tomàs asks, peering over the seat to look at Jake. His only answer is a wicked grin that makes Jaslene and Aya share a weary look.

Aya leans closer and whispers, “I don’t trust this.”

“Same. But it’s for Mothman, I gotta do this,” Jaslene whispers back, voice low. Aya’s eyes are bright, and with their heads bend so close together, it’s easy for Jaslene to get lost in them, all warm brown that turns black in the shadow and gold in the light. Breath caught in her throat, Jaslene can’t stop from staring and hopes that Aya will move back despite wishing she would stay.

She moves back and settles against the seat. A mix of relief and disappointment swells up in Jaslene’s chest, but she can breathe easier and tries to focus on the soft sounds of the radio to play it cool.

Stuck between Aya and Tomàs, in a small car filled that feels smaller with Deija and Jake tossing quips back and forth, it’s easy to forget all her problems and enjoy spending time with her friends like this is just another one of their teenage misadventures. When they’re together, the world can’t hurt them. With them, there’s no death or breakdowns, no terrible secrets or blood; they’re 2AM stops at corner stores to get slushies, ordering pizza in class to have something to eat after school, playing in parks and recreating Shakespeare with modern memes, it’s being 17 and feeling every minute of it.

It’s unconditional love and support and understanding that Jaslene has never appreciated more. One of these days, before she’s gone for good, she swears to shower them all with affection and make sure they know she loves them.

The song on the radio changes and Deija slams her hand down on the volume knob to turn it up. Tomàs sings along to the instruments and Jaslene is left giggling helplessly with her head against Aya’s shoulder as everyone else sings as loudly as they can.

It’s off-key and off-beat but perfect in every other way.

The road is empty and gets darker the farther they drive. The only light is from Deija’s car and it feels a little horror-movie but they’ve lived through worse.

Aya nudges Jaslene and leans her head closer to say, “If I didn’t know them, I’d think they’re taking us out to the middle of the woods to be murdered.”

“This is super sketchy,” Jaslene agrees, “But they’re all gay disasters so it’s not like they’ll be able actually kill someone. They’re just not capable enough.”

“Hey now,” Jake cuts in, offended, “I could totally kill someone if I wanted to. Like if they stole my food? Done for.”

Aya snorts. “You’re a wimp, you can barely lift a plate, much less kill someone over it.”

He gasps and Deija bursts out laughing. “She got you there.”

“I thought you were on my side!”

“I would not hesitate to slam dunk you into the void.”

Deija’s a queen, and the most capable one of them, so none of them can ever win an argument against her. Jake sulks in his seat, pouting for the last minute of the drive until they pull up into a small clearing on the side of the road.

With the headlights off and the engine cut, the night is a lot quieter than Jaslene was expecting. It sends a shiver up her spine, and the others quiet down too, suddenly conscious of the noise they make.

Deija steps out of her car and pulls her jacket tighter around her. “You sure this is the right place?” she asks.

“Yup!” The cheer in Jake’s voice doesn’t fit the atmosphere, but it’s so perfectly Jake that it doesn’t matter.

Tomàs peers in the forest, trying to squint past the shadows between the trees. “This is so sketchy.”

“And dark,” Aya adds, pulling out her phone to turn on the flashlight. The others follow her lead and white light cuts through the spaces between the trees. There’s tons of crickets chirping and owls hooting, all natural sounds but it still sets Jaslene on edge.

“Let’s go nab some ghosts,” Jake says with a wicked grin, and then he’s slipping between the trees and out of their sight.

They don’t move to follow for a moment. Then Deija sighs and says, “Now or never, I guess. Let’s go.”