“What was it that she wanted, anyway?” 

Pan shrugged, “I honestly don’t even remember.” He smiled.

“You risked your life for it and you don’t remember what it was?” Cori cocked an eyebrow at him.

I used to work for the queen of the tahval… We were close for a while. Pan’s words suddenly echoed in WW’s mind, and he looked over to him. Does this have to do with why you stopped? He chewed his bottom lip as he looked away again.

“Well, I remember it was a potion. I just don’t remember what it did.” He shrugged. “But anyways, market day was the next day. I was supposed to buy the potion, and then leave. But… I’d heard about their fires. They have them once a week, after every market day, and I hadn’t known much else at all. I must admit, my curiosity got the best of me,” He chuckled and ran a hand through his hair, “As it turned out, they were a kind of… religious thing, for them. These massive fires, at least five times bigger than this one,” He gestured to the little bonfire crackling away in front of them, “There were musicians, and everyone was in their finest clothes. There was wine, and dancing, and stars shining above everyone, and it was… It was beautiful. Anyone who had sins they wanted to cleanse, or… Or I don’t know, bad habits they wanted to kick, stuff like that… They could bring an object that represented it and throw it into the fire. Then an elder would bless them, and they could go back to dancing. I saw so many strange things get thrown into that fire.” He laughed, shaking his head. WW looked over to him just in time to see the slightest flinch. “I-It was a great night. Elven wine, though… Very strong.”

“Did you get drunk off the wine?” Cori giggled, not seeing how uncomfortable Pan looked running a hand through his hair.

“A bit, yeah.” Pan’s smile was tight.

“Maybe you should’ve thrown that into the fire.” She hummed, leaning against him as she ate her hot dog. “The bonfire sounds really pretty, though. I’d love to see it…”

“Only elves are allowed. Not worth the risk.” Pan shook his head. His smile was gone.

“I mean yeah, but you got out, right?” She looked up at him. “Oh! How did you hide the flowers? Did you wear a bandana like you did at the shop?”

Pan stared at the fire. “I uh, I didn’t have them there before the fire.” WW frowned. He wasn’t born with them?

“Did they grow when you turned a certain age or something?” WW asked.

Pan grinned. “I knew you were listening.” He turned to look at WW, triumphant.

His smile was so fake. WW wanted to point it out, just to wipe it off his face. He hated false smiles. “You say that as if it’s some great achievement.” WW rolled his eyes.

“I think it is.” Pan hummed.

“Yeah, you’re a bit of a grump.” Cori snickered.

“Oh, so he’s always like that, it’s not just because of me?” Pan laughed awkwardly.

“Oh, not at all. He doesn’t smile much. Not even at customers. Unless he’s really mad at them, then he will. Somehow it’s even more disconcerting than when he grimaces at them.”

“I don’t grimace at the customers.” WW said, making the exact expression they were accusing him of.

“You kind of do.” Cori smirked.

“You’re grimacing right now.” Pan laughed softly and poked his cheek.

WW just growled and swatted the hand away. “How’d you get the flowers, Pan?”

It was shocking how quickly every trace of the teasing smile that had been on Pan’s face washed away.

“It’s a long story.” Pan shrunk into himself.

“What’s a bonfire for if not for telling stories?” WW tilted his head.

“Wes, stop.” Cori said, frowning over at him.

“Does it have to do about why you aren’t close with your queen anymore?” WW pressed. “Or does it have to do with the fire? You looked really uncomfortable at the end of that story.”

“Walter, seriously! Can’t you see he’s uncomfortable?” Cori was glaring at her cousin, her arm resting gently on Pan’s.

“No, it’s fine.” Pan sighed. “I’m a really curious person, too, I get what it’s like.” He turned to WW, face serious. “I’ll tell you if you tell me the story behind what happened yesterday.”

“What happened yesterday?” WW’s nose crinkled as he narrowed his eyes at Pan.

“With the food.”

WW swallowed thickly and tilted his chin up. “Fine. I have an eating disorder. Your turn.”

“What’s an eating disorder?” Pan frowned.

WW stared at his hands as he tried to think of how to explain it. “It’s…” How could he make Pan understand, when it clearly wasn’t a problem for his people? Why did he want so badly to avoid Pan thinking he was weird for it? Just eat, then? He remembered Cori’s initial reaction. She’d crossed her arms and was staring angrily at the fire. Pan was watching him. His green eye was cold, waiting for an explanation. How is he only nineteen? WW wondered. The tahval looked older, not only in his defined features, but in that eye. He’d clearly seen so much. Been through so much… How could he ever hear WW’s explanation, and not dismiss him as childish and deplorable. He probably lost his other eye, and WW just didn’t eat. How pathetic. “It’s hard to explain.”

“Do your best, then.” Pan crossed his arms.

WW swallowed thickly. “Someone who has an eating disorder basically just… Doesn’t eat. Or they eat too much and throw it up after,” An image of James hunched over the toilet flashed in his mind, “I… I was one who just didn’t eat. I’m getting better, but it’s still hard for me to, sometimes.”

“But why don’t you eat?” Pan didn’t see that WW was trembling, his fingers tightening around his half-eaten hot dog.

“It’s-It’s a mental illness. I-I got help for it, and I’m doing better, though. It still scares mom, though.”

“What’s so scary if you just don’t eat sometimes?” Pan frowned.

“It’s your turn, Pan.” WW tilted his chin up.

“Answer the question.”

“It’s your turn. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” WW insisted. He thinks I’m foolish, doesn’t he? He doesn’t understand. He probably thinks I’m some kind of freak. His hands shook as he fought to maintain composure. Pan rolled his eye but didn’t argue back.

“The elves found out I was trespassing at the fire.” Pan said suddenly, shuddering at the memory. “They cut the eye out, threw it in the fire, then burned the rest around it.”

The realisation flooded over WW very suddenly and completely.

I am   such a jackass.