Ashley Goldren

It has been a couple weeks since that day. To be more precise two weeks from the day I was raped. Yes, I was raped. Sure i’m above the legal “consent” age but I didn't consent. I knew I didn't, knew from the nightmares that terrorized my sleep, forcing me awake struggling against my sheets in a cold sweat. Although I guess they're not nightmares, no, they are memories of that night not fantasy. 

It's been a week and a half since the hickeys faded, a week since the abrasions on my wrists and legs faded, and only about four days since the bite marks on my body disappeared. I could still feel and see them though, phantoms and ghosts of what happened. 

I haven't told anyone, decided not to tell anyone because I knew no one would believe me, knew rumors would spread, the church would know how “unclean” I was. No, I decide to pretend nothing happened when I went to find Nick and ask him why he did this to me. When I saw him and Lila making out at lunch, and realized I was never their true friend, just an extra that could be thrown out when they don't need it anymore. After that I avoided them best I could only seeing them in the few classes I had with them. 

Everything turned numb, an endless cycle of getting up, going to school, come home, repeat. No one bothered to ask if something was wrong not even my own parents although my mom did look a little concerned when I came home crying after the party but it faded almost instantly when she saw "I" had ripped my blouse (Nick ripped my blouse) and instantly started ranting about looking proper and being a lady. I left her to her rant and had run to my room to cry myself to sleep. 

I am also supposed to get my period this Friday and it is Sunday right now. I hated my period. I had to wear pads, not tampons because it would make me “unclean.” Although it technically doesn't matter anymore. But I had to pretend I am still clean, so pads it is… I sat up from my bed realizing that I had to go buy some, I had used them up last time. 

I slipped on my slippers the wool warm and cozy I stepped out of my room and walked down the white hallway then down the red wood stairs. I was alone, Mom and Dad at a business conference in California completely opposite from Minnesota.

 I took some money from the kitchen table and then walked to another hall to the mudroom. There I slipped off my slippers and on a pair of boots, black and shiny. Then put on a blue sweater pulling it over my head. It was starting to get chilly later in the day. I stepped out of the house shutting the door behind me. A cool breeze blew my downed hair into my face forcing me to tie it back with a band. 

I started my walk to the drug store a block away. The mid noon sun golden in the sky. Big oaks and cottonwoods starting to be tinged with color lined the boulevard between the road and the sidewalk. A little boy with a trike road past blue, green and yellow streamers trailing form his handles. Flashes of strobe lights, music, and body's fill my head I shake off the thought and continued on. 

I went a half a block before I was in front of the drug store. When I walked in dry air hit my face along with the smell of floor cleaner and oil. I walked to aisle seven then walked down it till I came to the feminine needs section. I pulled the brand I liked off the shelf and headed to the check out. The shop owner was there “Dan” his name tag read. He scanned the box took my money and bid me a pleasant evening. 

I walked out into the sunset casting colors of orange, red, and pinks on the fluffy white clouds. It was beautiful. A blue pickup drives past and suddenly I was in the car, the smell of cologne and cigarettes filling my nose and the leather seats slick beneath my skin. 

I didn't realize I had stopped till the truck went by again slowing down and stopping next to me. The driver window rolled down and a boy’s voice asked “Want help with the bags? I can give you a ride.” A snicker comes from the passenger seat and I suck in a breath as I look straight at Nick and Syells. I don't know when my trembling began but it did along with stuttering “n-no”. 

I turned and started to walk again. Only a block, I could make it that far I reassure myself. The truck started to troll next to me. “Ah, some on Ashley, why aren't you answering I promise i'll take care of you.” Another snicker my face heated but I kept going not daring to stop. “Are you mad? I don't lie though, I did take care of you. Although at first you made it difficult but once I started you moaned like a bitch under me.” Nick sneered. A coughing fit of laughter comes from Syells. My face burned and humiliation filled my gut. I could now see my house. 

“No really you should have heard yourself you make the cutest sounds when you...” I couldn’t take it anymore. I sprinted dashing up my steps unlocking the door. “Hey we’re you going?” Nick called. Click the door unlocked I dashed in, slammed and locked the door, and then slid to the floor dropping my pads on the floor. The tears slid down my face in large drops. Shame, I was so ashamed. So I cried and cried praying to god that it would get better because I could not take much more. 

After crying for a few minutes I got up and took off my boots and sluggishly made my way to my room my slippers abandoned. Once I was there I collapsed on the bed and fell into a fitful sleep.