Cole had sent me a text.

I held my breath, staying completely still as I stared down at my phone. I felt every fiber in my being scream at me to read that message, to see what he had to say, but I couldn’t bring myself to move. It was like I was frozen in terror, afraid of knowing what he sent.

Then suddenly, it hit me. The panic, the anxiety - it washed over me like a tidal wave. In my state of panic, my body reacted on its own, shooting up and quickly backing away from my desk, from my phone. My breathing became erratic and my head started spinning, overflowing with nonsense thoughts that just wouldn’t stop.

Why the hell did he text me? What could he possibly have to say after all this time? God, was he going to say something about the other day?

“What the fuck?” I whispered to myself, running my hands through my hair.

I started pacing back and forth, then around in circles. I chewed my bottom lip, trying to calm down but the panic just didn’t seem to want to settle.

“Breathe, Oliver, breathe,” I told myself, closing my eyes as I exhaled.

I inhaled as I counted to five and then exhaled, finishing the count to ten. I repeated this, slowly settling the nerves and anxiety in my stomach. I stopped the pacing, deciding to just stand still and focus on my breathing.

I let out another deep breath as I opened my eyes and looked over at my phone. I swallowed, staring down at it, watching the blue notification light blink.

I clenched my fists, feeling the butterflies in my stomach. I didn’t want to read the text, I knew already how much it would make me feel. Yet I knew if I didn’t read it, the anxiety wouldn’t get better, it would just get worse.

It was a ‘damned if I do and damned if I don’t’ situation.

I groaned loudly, covering my face as I tried to summon every ounce of courage I could. I stared back down at my phone, holding my breath as I shakily reached out to it. I managed to grab my phone and pull up the text message. I stared down at it, reading each word as carefully as I could.

- Seeing you again reminded me of what we had. The tension, the chemistry, that spark. I thought we lost it, but I know we haven’t. I miss you, Oliver. When you get the chance, call me. -

I clenched my jaw, re-reading the text over and over.

‘I miss you’

I stared at that part as my eyes started to burn, tears threatening to appear. Who the hell does he think he is?

“Damn it...”

I sat on the floor, resting up against my bed while I stared down at the text message. I was angry. Upset. I didn’t know how to reply - if I should reply. I just didn’t know what to do.

All I knew was that I needed my best friend. I needed her rambles, her anger, her comfort. I needed Max. I took a screenshot of the message, then quickly sent it to her.

Then, as expected, Max is calling me within seconds.

“WHO THE HELL-” I moved the phone away from my ear, only hearing a muffled rant.

I brought the phone back to my ear, now hearing her angry breathing.

“Okay, so, this is the plan,” she said with a firm tone. “You text back, invite him over. While his guard is lowered, I’ll pop out and shove a cactus up his-”

“I am not texting him back,” I interrupted. “No way in hell.”

“Fineee, we’ll find another way to shove it up there,” Max replied. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know.” I honestly replied. “I mean, it’s so unexpected. Part of me wants to believe it and fall for his charm but I just can’t stop being angry, you know?”

“That guy is a piece work, Ollie. You should be angry,” she stated.

“Right?!” I agreed. “I mean, he said ‘we’ lost that spark, but he is the one that destroyed everything we had together. He ruined everything, and what? Does he just wants me to forget that?”

“Yeah, and going on about how he misses you?” Max said. “He let his friends talk shit to you and then expects you to be okay with him? What is wrong with him?!”

“I don’t know, Max,” I sniffed. “He probably just misses the fooling around.”

“Oh for sure,” Max replied. “That and ruining your life.”

I chuckled. “Yeah, I mean, I was having a pretty decent night before all this crap.”

“You hung out with Oscar, right?” she asked. “And our mysterious hero.”

“Jules, yeah. He isn’t bad,” I said. “Got some issues though.”

“Don’t we all,” Max replied.

I didn’t say anything back. I just held the phone to my ear and plucked the stray fibres from the hem of my shirt.

“Don’t let him knock you down, Oliver,” Max said. “He isn’t worth that, okay?”

My lips trembled and eyes started to sting again. I let out a shaky breath.

“I miss him, Max,” I replied, tears welling up. “I’m not over him, okay? He was everything to me, my goddamn world.”

“I know, Ollie,” Max softly said.

“I loved him,” My voice broke as the tears started to spill. “Why wasn’t I enough?”

I became a gross sobbing mess, clinging to my phone while Max tried to hush me.

“You were more than enough,” Max softly spoke. “Don’t blame yourself, please.”

I kept sobbing into the phone, trying so hard to compose myself.

“He doesn’t deserve you, Oliver,” she consoled, keeping her voice soft and quiet.

I focused on my breathing, counting as I inhaled and exhaled.

“And I know things seem like shit,” she continued. “But one day, the right guy is going to come into your life, someone who will cherish you, treat you right and be there for you when you need them most.”

“M-Max,” my voice trembled. ‘You know guys like that don’t exist.”

“No, guys like that do exist, Oliver,” Max replied. “You’re one of them, and I know you aren’t the only one.”

I stayed quiet, sniffling as I thought about how I could use a hug right now. Not just any hug though. A special kind of hug. A mum hug.

“I miss my mum,” I murmured, another tear rolling down my cheek.

She was quiet for a moment.

“I know,” Max replied. “You know, she’s probably planning on haunting Cole’s life right now.”

I let out a light chuckle. “It’ll be so passive-aggressive. He’ll just have minor annoyances, like running out of milk for his cereal.”

“Nah, she is crueller than that,” Max said. “She’ll give him the worst bad hair day of his life.”

“Oh god, no, not his hair,” I laughed. “I’d kill to see that.”

“If I see him wearing a stupid hat, I’ll let you know.” Max chuckled.

I smiled, tightly clutching the phone. I thought of Mum - her smile, her warm presence. Her long auburn hair, her wide toothy grins, her soft and loving gazes. She always reminded me of a setting sun’s rays, shining through the leaves of a tree.

“You there, Ollie?” Max wondered.

“Yeah,” I replied. “Just remembering her.”

“Are you alright?” she asked.

“I’m getting there,” I answered. “Thank you… For being here for me.”

“Always,” Max assured me.

“I’m gonna go to bed,” I said. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Try to sleep well, okay?” Max said. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I replied. “Night, Max.”

I turned off my lights and then climbed into bed, hugging my pillow as I tried not to think of Cole or his stupid text. 

Instead, I tried focusing on the thought of mum, reminiscing of when she was healthy and full of life. 

I remembered how she danced while cleaning, and sung as if no one was watching. I remembered her dragging me into those dances with her, how she made me laugh as we sung and how she always took a moment to stop and embrace me tightly like it was the last one she would ever give me.

Damn it. Someone keeps chopping onions in here.