The library is beautiful by the way, its huge and is 3 stories. Books cover every wall, has a skyline, and has a computers lining the front of the libraries left wall on entering, with 30 or so computers with a printer at the end. To the right of the entrance is the check out desk, and in the back is Mr. Bennett’s office. Mr. Bennett goes over how the library is organized, and informs me that I’ll be putting books away, checking them out, helping students find books, grade scantrons, and print stuff for teachers. After familiarizing myself with the library and saying bye to Mr. Bennett I start making my way home, and picking up some take-out on the way.

After eating and doing the little homework I had, I think about that breathtaking girl again, and how she appears to be socially attractive. I’m not interested in being in a relationship and I don’t think it has anything to do with me being asexual either. 

Asexuality is where someone's not interested in having sex, they’re either disgusted about the idea, or simply not interested. Asexuality doesn’t discriminate in any way, and any gender can be asexual. When I was figuring myself out I saw many youtube videos of asexual people, some were girly girls, tomboys, feminine boys, or manly men, and all different ages, social statuses and colors. 

Their are different shades of axesuality, because of how wide ranged and complex asexuality is. There's even a branch between sexuality and asexuality and that's demisexuality which is someone who doesn’t feel sexual attraction to anyone unless they have a deep emotional connection to that person. Because asexuality is so complex, I think of asexuality as a spectrum, I forget if this came from me or I’ve read it somewhere before. But anyways picture a line, asexuality on one end that signifies an asexual who doesn’t intend on ever having sex, kissing, and being in a relationship. The other end is demisexuality who I already explained earlier, and within that spectrum are all the different type of asexuals. 

Some asexual people are interested in being in a relationship, and still crave to form connections with people, and have a romantic relationship, but not with sex. Some asexual people only date asexuals, some don’t care and the people who are asexual and are in a relationship with a sexual person either simply don’t have sex with them and have some type of agreement with they’re partner. Or the asexual person man or women, or other type of gender will just lay there and think of other things, because the plumbing does work we just don’t want to use it with anyone. And yes if you must know some asexuals masturbate just like some sexual people masturbate, and some asexuals will rarely actually want to have sex. 

Some asexual and sexual relationships will have a one sided open relationship where the sexual person will have sex with other people. Or the relationship will be polyamorous where both people in the relationship will be in a relationship with another person, or people, and both partners will have full knowledge of this. And there's always variations in between this type of relationship, like all relationships may have. 

When I read the defintion of aexuality it was like checking off a bunch of boxes, I just fit. And it was amazing and then it was horrible, because it meant I was different from the ‘norm’ I suddenly felt ungrounded, and I didn’t like it.

 For months I just avoided thinking about the subject. Then I suddenly started to thinking of the questions I had been asked like, “Do you think he’s cute?”, ”Why don’t you ever talk about who you think is attractive?” and statements like, “You never talk about who you like.” I remember hearing friends talk about boys they had crushes on, and I would analyze the boy, and not feel any physical attraction towards them, I’d just look at them and think yeah, they have a chin, and skin, and appear to be socially attractive. Don’t get me wrong some asexuals can be interested in someone based on their looks, and personality and even both, just like sexual people. But asexuals aren’t sexually attracted, they’re interested. Or at least I’ll get interested in wanting to know more about the person, wanting to be around them more, liking conversations with them, and I’ll sometimes even think of them when I’m not around them. I figured out that I really am asexual when I realized that I’ve actually been interested in people, and yes I’m a bi-asexual.

Because I never felt the urge to kiss someone, and never felt sexually attracted to anyone, I just assumed I was never interested in anyone, that no-one had simply caught my eye yet. Anyways I realized I really liked, a girl from my cross country team, my heart fluttered every time I saw her, I just never realised it until now. She was a grade above me, and before graduating she started this relationship with a guy from the cross-country team, and I felt so weird watching her and her boyfriend together, I realize now that the weird feeling was actually a little bit of heartbreak and even a bit of jealousy. She was my first and probably last serious crush, I was nervous around her, but at the same time calm. She was so easy to talk to, and she was brilliant, and an amazing artist, beautiful, and nerdy. I never noticed I liked her, because I never had an urge to kiss her, or have sex with her.

 Health class teaches you about the sexual urges that you’ll start to feel towards other people and that EVERYONE will go through it, they don’t talk about when you don’t feel any urges. Before learning about asexuality I thought I was this emotionless robot, I felt like an emotional rice cracker when it came to romantic love.

When I told my mom about me being asexual, I was crying because, I get teary eyed when I talk about deep personal emotional stuff which I rarely talk about. The first thing she said to me made me experience for the first time what I had read about in books and heard about in movies and t.v., she told me I shouldn’t try to label myself, and that all teenages go through these feeling. I actually felt a hole in my heart, and it ache’d, and it ache’d when I woke up the next morning and during my race the following afternoon, she even asked me why I didn’t do good in my race, she actually didn’t realize the impact her words did to me. I was shocked by how strongly I was affected by her words, I had never felt this painful ache before, I even tried to hug myself to try and make it go away, and as sad as that sounds, it actually helped a little bit.

My mom isn’t great at expressing herself either, especially when she's mad, she didn’t want to talk about the subject again, but I did. And I told her it was okay that I’m asexual, 

and she said ,”so what does that mean your going to be alone for the rest of your life now.” 

And that made me realize that she may have said those things to me earlier because, she was worried about me, and that I’d be alone. I told her no, and that asexual people can be in relationships, and that it's even okay to not want to be in one. 

And after a long bear hug from my mom, the ache slowly went away. My Mom’s words shook me a bit, and made me question what I had already accepted as something part of myself. I’ve also been interested in a couple of dudes, but the girl from my cross-country team was the most impactful to me emotionally then they were, probably because I got to know her as a person.

With those last thought’s I read the Performing Arts Academies Map for 20 minutes, then I set my alarm and fell asleep.