BANG. Bang. Bangbangbang.

I heard a noise that sounded like a developmentally challenged tree was falling down a flight of stairs, which was a hell of guess because it was followed by a surprisingly large apple tree rolling down a flight of stairs. I managed to scale the wall with all the grace of a squirrel charging up your pants’ leg before it stopped in front of me. It looked up at me, making what I can only assume is the topiary equivalent of eye contact before extending a single, thick limb toward me, all of its leaves softly shaking, letting loose a gentle “Rheeeee…”.

“Now this is why I told you not to come. I left you with Kixi for a reason, you can’t follow me here,” was the utterance of an insufferably shrill voice.

Running down the stairs in a manner that can best be described as ‘crapped my pants, but liking it’ was Rin. He had locks of long, luxurious hippie hair, and was adorned in his red Fourth-year tunic which surely matched the lipstick he wore to kiss ass. Boots shined to the point they’d crack when he looked at them. The manlet was stacked six asses high and full of just as much shit. He gently cooed to the tree, stroking a leaf while the plant looked at him with a ‘face’ that I can only hope was expressing the sentiment of ‘are you really this dense?’.

“Ya know, you could just scratch out the runes and re-enchant it later instead of leaving it to crawl like a broken wheelbarrow.”

Rin finally looked up from his melodramatic tree and locked eyes with me, still huddled in the corner, halfway up the wall in the fashion of a spider missing some legs.

“Firstly, that’s disgusting, secondly what are you doing here? It’s between hours, and the halls of the spire are off limits during session times,” Rin practically spat out the words with his bitch mouth, a word he could never say because he’s a bitch.

“Thanks Mother, I’d forgotten. Special assignment. Serious business. I’d tell you, but I don’t wanna.”

“I’m urgently visiting the Guildmistress, give me one reason why I shouldn’t report you.”

“As if you wouldn’t. Have you considered not being a pain in our collective asses for at least a solid ten minutes so that I can get to my session?”

“I do it to help others become the best Guildmembers they can be.”

“I’ll give you two shiny copper coins and a firm smack on the ass to go help someone else. Aren’t you meant to be out of the halls too?”

The preening ponce proceeded to shuffle around the sack he was wearing to reveal an Air Rune sealed into a hideous chunk of quartz. He held it like it was a badge of honour. The illustrious Runestone was a lone dormant Rune, and therefore as useless as he was. Basically, without a linked active Rune all it did was scream ‘teacher’s pet’ and grant access to the third corridor with the fancy drinking fountain.

“I showed you this last time I caught you. I earned the right, just like you could, but you decided to just call me names.”

“A bitch, I called you a bitch,” a succinct statement followed by, “I get the job done, I don’t need to kiss ass to get there, now move your damn tree.”

The Bitch proceeded to whistle softly while he held out both of his hands toward the tree. It rolled over to face him and latched on, looking like a legless goblin child with pillow hands trying to smother an inexplicably uglier goblin.

“Sort yourself out, I’m on my way to the Guildmistress, she’ll talk to you again and maybe you can learn to respect the order around here,” he said with a mouth that looked like a moist, puckered butthole.

As I finally began to descend the wall I could see him smugly walking away, the stick in his arms neatly mirroring the one in his ass. Upon reaching the ground I had to accept that unlike my clothes, this particular session was a wash. I knew that I may as well begin walking to the office instead, but now I’d be using my time to plan how to deal with The Bitch.