{Chapter Fourteen}

One of my favorite quotes by Gandhi, ''nothing is impossible for pure love'' seems sort of like a total lie. I'm sure he was a smart man but I think he may have been a tad wrong now that I'm older and actually am in love. Things are impossible, even for true love. Even now, as I lay with one of the loves of my life in my arms, I know my plan will be impossible. There's no way I could have what I want, not in a million years.

I know what I'm thinking will never happen, and I know what I have to do. What I don't want to do, but must. I give one last long look at Ian, savoring the feel of his body curled against mine, his even breaths fanning over my shirt, his incredibly soft brown curls. Even his slightly sweet scent that's a mixture of cologne, laundry soap, and something that's just unique to Ian.

I know I shouldn't but I love him, just as much as I love Jer. I shouldn't love them both, it's not right. But I can't help it. I do love them, both of them. And it kills me that I have to hurt Ian. But I know it has to be done. I kiss him lightly on his soft lips, savoring the familiar feel of his lips against mine.

“I love you, Baby.” I whisper quietly, not wanting to wake him just yet. I close my eyes and savor this moment because I know it won't last much longer. I open my eyes to watch Ian while he sleeps peacefully, unaware that this will most likely be his last peaceful sleep for a quite a long time. His dark lashes cascade against his soft skin, and all I can think is how amazing he is.

I lie there with Ian in my arms, and I realize something troubling: there is no way I can hurt him.

“I love you so much,” I whisper, my heart beating painfully in my chest as I try to remain composed because I have to stay calm while I do this.

“Ian.” I murmur, moving a stray strand of hair out of his face. He groans and opens his tired gray eyes to look at me.

“Hey, how long was I asleep? I didn't mean to to fall asleep but I didn't get much sleep last night.” he mumbles apologetically and I smile a bit despite the fact that he shouldn't be apologizing, I should be apologizing to him.

“It's okay, I don't mind.” I assure because I know he needs this, this little bit of sleep he can get before I do what I have to. He nods and yawns before he buries his head against my chest.

“I don't want to get up.” He groans.

“I know.” I reply. I run my fingers through his hair and he groans again.

“Don't do that, I'm going to fall back to sleep if you do.” He whines, succeeding in receiving a smile from me.

“I won't mind if you do.” I reply honestly. Because as cowardly as it is, I'd rather be with him like this a bit more before I have to tell him. Though instead of going back to sleep he merely shakes his head and opens his incredible gray eyes to look up at me.

“No, no. I have to stay awake.” He says and smiles up at me. “I want to spend time with you, not use you as a pillow.”

I smile and cup his cheek in my hand, running my thumb over his jaw. I can feel his rough stubble against my fingers and savor it, savor his soft skin and impossible gray eyes. I take it all in before I finally force myself to do this.

“Baby, I have to tell you something.” I state, but I don't know how to say the rest when his gray eyes look at me expectantly, love potent in his eyes. I swallow hard and bite my lip roughly, feeling a lump form in my throat that prevents me from speaking. My face must have given something away because his eyes widen and he sits up a bit to look down at me.

“Whoa, what's wrong? You look like you're going to cry. Oh my God, you're not going to cry right? Oh my gosh, are you dying?” he demands with wide eyes, obviously trying to lighten the mood but I can't bring myself to laugh.

“I...” I silently curse myself for being unable to say what I have to. Ian tilts his head to the side in confusion, worry seeping into his eyes as we silently watch each other.

“Ian,” I start, taking his hand in mine. “I love you.” His eyes lighten but I continue, forcing the words out. “But I love someone else too, and I know it's not fair of me to ask this of you but I don't want to loose either of you. I want to keep you both.”

I nearly sigh in relief when the last word is out of my mouth but I barely get time to take another breath. Ian's face contorts first in agony, betrayal, and finally disgust so potent it makes me flinch without him even having to say anything. But God, when he does say something it hurts worse than that expression.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” he demands angrily, ripping his hand away from mine as he gets off his bed. He walks back until he runs into his desk, seeming to try to distance himself from me as much as possible.

“Ba--”

“No,” he growls fiercely and I blink in surprise. I've never seen him get this mad, I can see it though, clear as day. He's furious, he's shaking so bad, it makes me want to go and hold him.

“Ian, please.” I start in barely a whisper but he glares at me.

“I thought you were different, I thought you would be different than *him but you both are the same.” He snaps and my heart stops as I get off his bed.

“I'm nothing like him.” I whisper, taking a step towards him but he beats me to it by coming right up to me, only to push me back roughly. I wince but take a step back.

“How could you possibly say that?! You just told me you love someone else. You just asked me if I would be in some disgusting relationship with you!” He screams, shaking with pure rage potent in his eyes.

“Ian,” I start but he growls and slaps me hard, pushing me back towards the door with such force I fall against it.

“Shut up! Get out of my house!” He yells and pushes me again when I manage to stand. I can't move though, I'm stunned. What happened to my bubbly, talkative Ian? What happened to the guy who didn't even like killing bugs?

“Ian.” I whisper in pain, biting my lip hard enough to draw blood in order to fight off any embarrassing tears pressing to get out.

“Get. Out.” He growls, the threat obvious in his eyes. I numbly nod, fumbling with his bedroom door handle before I turn to leave. I stumble down the stairs, trying to find my calm in case I run into one of Ian's dads.

When I get to the front door I can barely rejoice in the fact that I didn't get questioned by one of his dads. However when I leave the house, silently closing the door, I realize I didn't quite make it home free.

Mr. Kelly, or rather Owen, is leaning against my car with his arms crossed. I can't even muster up a groan, or irritation at the fact that I just had my car washed and I doubt his dirty looking leather jacket is clean. I don't comment though, I just numbly walk over to my car, taking my keys out of my pocket.

“What do you want? Want to rub salt in my wounds and tell me I need to watch my back because I hurt him?” I demand, suddenly very tired. He shrugs but sighs, dropping his arms to his side in a less threatening manner.

“No,” I huff a weak laugh at that, shaking my head.

“No?” I repeat.

“You look pretty beat up as it is, and though you may not believe this but I'm not so sadistic that I'd hit you while you're down. It was quite obviously from the yelling that you hurt my son,” he begins and I open my mouth to tell him I didn't want to but he cuts me a harsh glare that tells me to shut up and listen. “But it's also obvious you're pretty beaten up over the whole thing as it is, and me killing you for hurting my son won't really help any. Besides, I know you love him, you just need to give him time.” I shake my head, running a hand through my hair roughly.

“He's better off without me anyway, time won't help.” I reply.

“If you believe that then maybe you really aren't fit to be with him.” He grumbles and I glare at him but he returns it tenfold, leaving me to take an unconscious step back in self preservation. “Look kid, I haven't seen Ian so happy in a really long time. I haven't seen him sleep so peacefully since that bastard hurt him. You make him happy, and if you really love him you'll find a way to get him back. And if you can't get him back you don't deserve him. Now be safe, the roads are bound to be slippery, and it's about to rain.” He adds before leaving me to retreat into the house.

I sigh and unlock my car before getting in to head home. Of course it begins to rain like Owen predicted so I get rained on when I get to my house and get out of my car to go inside. I get in the house and take my jacket and boots off at the front door before I go to my room.

I lock my door, strip my clothes, turn off the lights, and collapse in my bed. I hug a pillow tightly to my chest and close my eyes tightly, willing myself not to break down. But that doesn't work I realize when the hot trail begins.

I should have known he would react like that. Who wouldn't? Who in their right mind would actually agree to what I proposed? I should never have said anything, I should have kept my mouth shut. But then what would I do about Jer? I couldn't just stop talking to him, stop seeing him. He's just as important to me as Ian is.

I love them both, and I can't choose either of them.

I can't.

I won't.