{Chapter Sixteen}

“Jer, I have to tell you something.” I state and pull away from him so I can look into his eyes. His golden eyes glance down at me in curiosity.

“What's wrong?” he asks immediately. I sigh and avert my eyes, scooting back a bit on the black couch to distance myself from him in case this doesn't end well. In case Jer reacts like Ian did.

“I need you to promise you won't get mad.” I whisper and his eyes widen a bit in shock.

“Why would I get mad?” he questions, reaching out to take my hand in his. I bite my lip nervously and shake my head.

“Just promise.” I reply softly. He watches me for a few minutes, his eyes showing his confusion and worry but eventually nods.

“I promise I won't get mad.” He assures and I nod. I open my mouth to tell him but my heart begins to race, my palms sweating and a lump forms in my throat.

“I-I.” I can't seem to get the words out, I'm so scared he's going to get mad, of course he's going to get mad. Who wouldn't be mad? Hurt, horrified. Disgusted.

“Levy, you can tell me anything, you know that.” He soothes, running his thumb in circles over the top of my hand. The simple gesture seems to help some because my heart slows a bit and the lump in my throat eases.

“I love you,” I state and something passes through his eyes but it's too fast for me to catch. I can however tell that he wants to argue that and I open my mouth to assure him I know what I'm feeling but he speaks before I can.

“How do you know?” he asks, surprising me because I honestly thought he'd argue, tell me I don't know what I'm feeling.

“Because I just know.” I reply. I honestly don't know how to even begin to explain how I know I love him, because I can hardly understand it myself. All I know is whenever I'm with him, I'm happy, even when we're not talking––hell, even when I merely think about him––I feel better. He makes me happy, his presence makes me happy. I may not know him completely, and I know I'm young, but I know what love feels like. I know I love him.

“Okay,” he says and I stare at him in surprise.

“Okay?” I echo. He shrugs and a smile slips on his face, making me relax a bit.

“I'm glad you feel that way, as long as you're sure about what you feel.” He adds and I nod because I am sure. I know I love him, and even though it hurts I love Ian too. God, how did my life get this messed up?

I shake those thoughts away though and instead focus on what I was supposed to be telling Jer. I mean, I had to tell him that I love him but that's not what I wanted to tell him in the first place.

“There's something else.” I mutter and he tilts his head to the side in confusion. Something passes through his eyes again but once more it's too fast for me to catch.

“What else?” he asks. I sigh and bite my lip again as I think of the best way to tell him.

“I am––well was––in a relationship. His name was Ian but that doesn't really matter. What matters is I love him too, and I know it's not fair of you to ask this but I can't choose who to stay with. I mean, I doubt it actually even matters now though because he's mad at me for telling him about my feelings for you and he broke up with me and only a crazy person would want to have this kind of relationship. Right?” I muse with a small but humorless laugh. Jer stares at me for the longest time, his eyes seeming guarded.

“You love him.” He states and I nod. He laughs a bit and glances down at his lap before shaking his head and sighing.

“Wow,” he sighs with another laugh. Al the while I watch him, looking for any indication of his feelings, looking for any signs of anger.

“Are you mad?” I ask but he doesn't answer me.

“You want to be in a relationship, with both of us.” He states and I'm not sure if it's a question or not so I answer regardless.

“Yes.” I admit while I ignore my racing heartbeat. Is he mad? Is he disgusted that I would ask such a thing? Is he going to tell me he doesn't want that? Is he going to tell me I need to leave him alone?

The questions pester me to no ends and I want to ask him all those questions but I stay silent. Maybe if I stay quiet, he can have time to think about what I'm saying and hopefully won't react like Ian did. I mean, I probably told Ian at a bad time. He had just woken up, and I did drop the L word on him. Maybe he was just really surprised. And maybe I did it at the right time this time. Hopefully.

“Jer, please say something, you're scaring me.” I finally mumble, scooting back a bit more on the couch and taking my hand from his. He blinks and looks first at his now empty hand before his eyes lock with mine. I can't read any of the emotions in his golden eyes, but I can only hope he's not mad. I can't handle loosing both him and Ian. And so close together in time. I barely have had time to reel from the loss of Ian, I can't handle loosing Jer right now.

Maybe I should have stayed quiet, told him later. Like on our date thing planned for tomorrow. That might have been a good time but he deserves to know before getting invested in this relationship.

“Okay,” he says and I stare at him as confusion rushes through me.

“Okay? Okay what?” I demand, a tad hysterical.

“I'm okay with that, Levy.” He adds. I can't help it, I just stare at him because I'm so surprised that he would say that. Who in their right mind agrees to that?

“Really?” I demand and he smiles reassuringly, reaching out to take my hand. He squeezes it gently and pulls me back to him by my hand to kiss me lightly on the lips.

“Yes. I feel something for you, stronger than any crush and if that's what you want I'll stand by your choice no matter what.” He replies with honesty in his eyes and I feel my heart speed at that. I never thought in a million years I would meet anyone who's okay with what I want. I thought he was going to react like Ian did, yell at me for suggesting that. It makes me happier than I can begin to describe knowing he's okay with it.

“Thank you,” I whisper and he smiles.

“You don't have to thank me, Love.” He replies. I find myself smiling at that and he leans over to kiss me lightly once more before speaking again. “So what happened with the other guy?” he asks and I sigh.

I don't know if I should tell him, or rather I don't know if I'm ready to tell anyone. I can barely think about Ian right now without wanting to just, cry. I'm sure talking about him, telling someone about what happened will just be ten times worse than when I think about him, it'll make it more real, more permanent. Whereas if I kept it to myself, I can keep the foolish hope that I'll be able to talk to him and have him agree to my idea.

Then again, Jer deserves to know. Even if I don't want to talk about it, he's being so great as it is, he should know the full story. So I start from the beginning, admitting that I only started dating Ian because I wanted to get over Jer, I tell him about the moments we shared, when we would just lie there together in silence or when I would let Ian sleep since he never gets sleep without medication. I tell him about the first time Ian let me read his stories, and how nervous he was because his ex always put his writing down then wouldn't give him time to write.

And I tell him about Owen Kelly, Ian's scary dad. Then I explain the events of last night, trying to stay calm even with the lump forming in my throat. The memory begins to play on repeat in my mind, and it doesn't help that it's mixed with all the happy memories I had with Ian. It feels like a part of myself is gone, I feel half empty.

After I'm done I assume Jer's going to apologize or something, like most people do. But instead he just pulls me into a tight hug and kisses me lightly on the forehead. I rest my head on his chest and relish in the comfort of his arms, happy that they're helping me not think about Ian.

“Hey, I have a surprise for tomorrow.” He says and though I can see he's obviously changing the subject, I appreciate it. He didn't just say he's sorry and try to make me feel better about Ian, and I'm glad he didn't because nothing he could say will make me feel better about that.

“What is it?” I ask, playing along with his subject change.

“If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise now would it?” he muses and I laugh, shaking my head.

“Alright, I guess I can wait.” I sigh dramatically and he chuckles before he leans down to kiss me lightly on the lips. I smile up at him and he smiles down at me, and everything seems right. In this moment there isn't any problems; there's no heartbroken Ian, no mom who I have to worry about finding out I'm not straight. It's just us alone, enjoying the moment.

Until it's shattered into a million pieces by a knock on the door.

I jump in surprise and scoot as far away from Jer as possible, leaving his comforting embrace in the process. Because I know that's my mom, the receptionist never comes to Jer's office, she just calls him. I think Jer realizes this too because he clears his throat, stands then wipes his shirt to smooth out any wrinkles before walking over to the door.

He unlocks it, as it was still locked it earlier when Jer was having a panic attack. He opens the door to reveal my mom, as expected, though what wasn't expected was her barging in and giving me a death glare. I flinch a bit, wondering why she could possibly be mad. Does she know about me and Jer?

“Mom,” I say cautiously just as Jer says, “Sheryl, what's wrong?”

“Levy, I need to talk to you when we get home, so come straight home after this.” Mom orders, looking like she wants to say more but her eyes glance at Jer and she seems to think better of it. Instead she walks out, leaving me in utter confusion. Why does she seem so mad?