He had to say he loved me. I mean, I know straight guys are normally pretty clueless when their gay friend likes them, but did he have to say he loved me? He doesn’t love me the way I love him and never will. I might have taken that ‘I love you’ differently and foolishly thought I had a chance, had I not seen him with that girl today. I won’t lie, they would make a cute couple, but I still can’t stand the thought of it.

I slump into my bed, college was a nightmare today, everything was a nightmare today. I just feel empty. Nate has a girlfriend, any chance in hell I had was completely gone. Would it really hurt to just move on? I pull out my phone and a small scrap of paper from my pocket. I dial the number written, almost immediately, the line connects.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s Alex. I guess I’ll take you up on that date.”

“Alright! I’ll see you tomorrow then. Meet me at The Hazel Blossom Cafe at 8:00 tomorrow, it’s the one right across from the hospital."

“Okay, see you then, Luka.” I hang up, it feels wrong to do this, but I need a rebound. The butterflies that used to sit nicely in my stomach pick up into a whirl, fluttering around like crazy. I don’t think it’s a nervous worry, funnily enough, it’s more of a wariness than anything.

~

“Alex,” an annoyed voice pulls me from my daydream, “Alex, are you listening to me?” I look up to see Lucia staring at me.

“No, I wasn’t listening.” I flick her hand away from near my face, “What the fuck do you want Lucy?” She scowls, pissed off at the use of her nickname, but continues to ramble on about her boy problems. Lucia isn’t the best of friends, not that I would really call her my friend, but she’s the closest thing I have to one other then Nate. She’s a bit obnoxious, although I can deal with that.

“Alex. Seriously, what is on your mind?” She sighs, noticing that I had drifted off again.

“I have a date tonight with a dude named Luka,” I grumble, “and I’m strangely worried about it.”

“It’s completely normal to be nervous about a date, silly!” She giggles, “I get nervous before my dates.”

“It’s not that I’m nervous, I have a weird feeling about it.” I sling my bag onto my shoulder, preparing to leave the classroom and head home, “See you later, Lucy.”

“Love you! Bye!” Lucia flips me off as she rushes out of the room before me, “Have fun tonight!” I roll my eyes and follow her out the door. Lucia skips off to talk to another one of her victims, or I guess friends, but I head home instead. Normally after school, I go to the library, however, today I have somewhere to be. I walk out the door and begin the short walk home.

~

The minute I get back, I throw off my shoes and head straight into the bathroom. I climbed quickly into the shower, wincing as the water burned my skin, although I’d still take boiling showers over ice baths any day. I lean back, letting the water rinse through my hair and melt the stress of my day away. I sit on the floor of the tub. My finger traces along the scars on my leg, in various stages of healing, but I don’t feel a thing. I never really do. I can laugh, feel ‘joy’, but it’s all empty. Do I really want to go on this date tonight? No. But, I just want to get rid of the one feeling I have left, love for Nate. Maybe I can do that tonight. Luka seems like someone I could fall for, in another life, one without Nate, but it never hurts to try. I sit up and finish my shower along with my existential crisis of the day. I step out of the tub, still dripping, and walk back to my room. Nate’s not home, he won’t be until late tonight anyway. That means I won’t have to tell him where I’m going. I neglect to shut my door while changing, one of the perks of being home alone. I pick out a white shirt and jeans, grabbing a belt on a whim. I slip into my clothes and pull the belt through the loops on my jeans. However simple it might seem, it takes a lot of effort, small things do. Back to the bathroom, dry my hair, wash my face. And I’m ready to go. I rush into the kitchen, my long-ass shower taking its toll, I was running just a little bit late. I grab my phone, ID, and wallet. I spot a note pad on the kitchen counter and decide to write a note for Nate, I’m not sure why, but I think I should. I scribble down where I’m going to be and who with, and run out the door.

~

Of course, being the idiot I am, I missed my bus. But luckily, it’s not too far of a walk. While making my way down a busy street, my phone starts to ring.

“Hello?” I pick up without looking at the caller ID, somewhat winded from running earlier.

“Alex!” Lucia shrieks through my phone, forcing me to pull it away from my ear.

“What the hell Lucia!” I shout right back, earning me a few glares from various pedestrians.

“Who are you going out with again?” Lucia said, sounding nervous.

“Luka, I told you this already,”

“Last name?”

“Eliot” I sigh, exasperated with Lucia’s antics, “Why?”

“Because my friend Marie went on a date with a creep, his name was Luka,” Lucia seemed to be relieved, “But he had a different last name, I just wanted to check on you, alright. Have fun!" She quickly hung up, back to her chipper self. I roll my eyes, having finally arrived at the cafe. I push the door open, take a deep breath, and walk in.