Lucas sank down, and Aiden, blaming the adrenaline his heart was pumping through him, climbed onto his lap. He could feel the tension in Lucas deflating as their lips moved together, and with hands on his hips, Aiden let himself sit back and catch his breath.

“So” Lucas said slowly, his brow creased, “You think I’d rather – wait you think being gay is stepping out of line?”

“No!” He objected immediately, “But you know what this place is like – it’s full of old fashioned farmers and even if people don’t mind being gay will still be something for everyone to gossip about.”

Lucas wasn’t looking any happier, but Aiden was on his lap and he couldn’t go anywhere.

“I’m just a bit anxious.” Aiden added, hoping to play a sympathy card.

“That isn’t what you said. You said that I was going to change my mind – that whole time you thought I’d pick my, I don’t even know what, my image I guess?” Lucas’s expression screwed up into something extremely vexed, “You think I care more about what people might think about me than what I feel?”

Aiden’s hopes were sinking faster and faster. Problem was, he had been thinking that, and it was hard to outright lie and say no to Lucas’s face. “You said yourself that you’ve know you were gay for years, but you still dated girls.”

“I was trying things out!” Lucas snapped.

Aiden flinched. “I’m sorry.”

He climbed off his lap and sat in his spot, he stared ahead, feeling a burn in his eyes that threatened tears. It had taken him two minutes to screw everything up.

The lord of the rings theme song played in the background, almost drowning out Lucas’s angry breaths.

“I’ve been honest with you.” Lucas said, his voice deadly calm, “About me and about how I feel.”

“I know you have.”

“And why don’t you believe me?”

“I do.”

“Fine, yes, you believe me now, because I came here like an idiot. Why not then?”

Aiden wanted to curl up as the sharpness in his voice grew. He swallowed hard. “I believed you then as well Lucas. I believe you meant what you said, as you were saying it. But, I also thought that it would probably end up like it did before. We’d get back here, and everything would go back to normal.” He was proud of himself for speaking levelly, but he didn’t want to risk looking at Lucas and breaking down. “I’m sorry Lucas. I wasn’t pretending about anything out there either, and I’m sorry for doubting you, but I haven’t known you since we were kids. A week doesn’t really make up for that.”

Lucas was silent for a long time. So long that the steam stopped rising from the coffee cup, and Aiden wanted to throw something at the tv to make that music stop.

“Why did you kiss me just now?”

“Because you were going to leave.”

“And you didn’t want me to?”

He looked down at his sling, and the fingers clenching his knee. He felt exposed enough already, and he didn’t want to do this any longer. “I got the feeling you wouldn’t be coming back.”

“So you decide to force yourself on me?”

Aiden jolted, a burst of anger shooting through him. “Like you couldn’t shove the guy half your size with a broken arm off you?” He stood up. “Forget it, just leave.”

“Right” Lucas rose up too, “I have to listen to you talk shit about me, but I say one thing and that’s going too far?”

“I’m sorry.” Aiden snapped, “I’m sorry for forcing myself on you, clearly kissing you was a mistake. I’ll be sure never to make it again.”

Lucas flinched, and his hands clenched into fists.

“What?” Aiden glanced at them, “You want to hit me too?”

Lucas stepped forwards, but then stopped, his jaw clenching so hard the muscles stood out. Aiden could see his pulse jumping in his throat. “Why are you picking a fight with me?” He demanded.

“Me?” Aiden let out a breath of disbelief, “You’re jumping down my throat no matter what I say!”

Lucas looked like he was going to snap something else, but somehow stopped himself. He turned around sharply and snatched up the tv remote, hitting mute.

Aiden’s breaths sounded much louder in the sudden silence. His heartbeat was thundering against his ears. What were they even fighting about?

“I’m sorry.” Lucas said, his voice still tense. “I guess I am snapping a bit.”

“A bit?”

Lucas shot him a wry look but didn’t respond to the jab. “It doesn’t feel good being doubted like that.”

Aiden didn’t say anything. He was busy regretting ‘forcing’ himself on Lucas.

“I guess I’d better go.” Lucas said awkwardly into the silence.

“Yeah.” Aiden agreed.

Lucas hesitated as he passed Aiden, as if expecting him to reach out and stop him. His expression screwed up when Aiden didn’t say anything. There wasn’t any door slamming, only the quiet hum of his car’s engine and gravel crunching underneath his tires as he pulled away.

Aiden sank back on the couch. He rubbed his mouth and took in deep breaths until he calmed down. Why didn’t he just say ‘yes, I can’t wait for dinner’? That argument wouldn’t have happened. Lucas wouldn’t have left. Aiden wouldn’t feel as sick and awful as he did now.

He hung his head, feeling embarrassed with himself, and ashamed. Of course, Lucas would be upset to hear Aiden had been doubting him the whole time. The more he thought about it, the guiltier he felt.

“Give me a call if you need a lift home.” His dad said.

“I will.” Aiden climbed out the front door, “I’ll see you later Lily.”

Lily complained and told Aiden to get back in the car, and it had turned to crying as they pulled away. Aiden winced. It wasn’t a great start to the day.

There were three cars stuffed into the driveway, the one with the black hood was nearest the road. He walked up the gravel to the house. The white on the wall gleamed and the blue window sills looked freshly painted.

He knocked, thought about how early it was, and wished he was anywhere but here.

As footsteps approached he rehearsed what he’d say in his head. If Lucas’s mom opened, he could push the old friend angle. If it was Connor, he’d be annoying and probably know why he was there. Connor’s dad… he didn’t know about that one.

It was Lucas’s tired eyes that greeted him.

Shit.

The sleepiness went from Lucas’s gaze in a moment, and his eyes widened. “What on- what are- are you here to see Connor?”

“Obviously not.” Aiden said.

Lucas’s eyes narrowed.

“Sorry.” He internally slapped himself. He was too nervous. “I’m here to say sorry. It was crappy of me to assume you’d flake out on everything you said.” He felt like the words got tied together on his tongue, and not a single syllable of the apology he’d practiced got out.

Lucas cleared his throat. “Is that all?”

And just like that the urge to apologise was gone. “You want a speech?”

“No! No, I don’t mean ‘is that all’ in an ‘apologise more’ kind of way” Lucas gushed out quickly, “I was the one who exploded at you, and I’m really, really sorry for doing that. I didn’t mean anything I said. I was just bummed out. I thought we were on the same page and finding out you weren’t expecting to meet up with me again made me feel stupid.”

“It’s not that I didn’t want to.”

“I know.” Lucas said quickly but paused with a wince. “At least I hope. Do you want to come in?”

“Sure.” Aiden’s voice came out more confident than he felt.

Lucas’s lips twitched into a brief nervous smile, and Aiden saw his gaze scanning him as he walked into the hallway. He ran his palms over the dark blue jeans, tugging at the edge of his shirt. He’d put too much thought into what to wear. He’d gone for something Roma told him he looked cute in, and hoped it wasn’t obvious to Lucas that he’d dressed up.

“I was about to make breakfast; do you want something?” Lucas picked up a box of cereal on the counter and shoved it quickly into a drawer. “French toast?”

Aiden didn’t say yes because he was hungry. The dread of another possibly yelling match, or even worse, being sent away without even looking at him, had done it’s work on his stomach. But Lucas looked hopeful, and it felt like a peace offering.

“How’s your arm?” Lucas questioned idly.

“Still broken.” Aiden looked around the kitchen. The utensils were newer, and the walls were pale green shade instead of blue, but it was the same as he remembered, only smaller. When he looked back he noticed Lucas frowning into the pan. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Lucas’s turned over the bread, and then rested the spatula on the counter next to him. He ran his fingertips over the handle nervously. “It’s my fault, isn’t it? You said as much at the cabin.”

“You’re not responsible for how your friends behave. We said that at the cabin too. No, actually, that was next to the camp fire.” He made his way over to Lucas. “If you feel bad about it, I’ll feel bad that you feel bad. So don’t.”

Lucas looked confused and said “okay.”

“Do you want tea?”

“Sure.”

Aiden set the table, and two steaming plates were set out next to their drinks. Smothered in maple syrup, Aiden found that he could eat the French toast. “This is good.”

Lucas smiled, and finally took a bite out of his own portion.

“Something smells good.” A voice from the hallway declared. She entered the room a moment later. Green eyes that matched Lucas’s widened when they landed on Aiden. Her hair was a stark black that was too dark to be her natural shade, and thrown up into a messy bun. She didn’t look any older than when he’d seen her last.

“Aiden!” Bianca smiled widely as she hugged him. “Oh it’s been too long.”

“Nice to see you.” Aidan chuckled, and despite having known her since she was small, the hug was still long enough to make him uncomfortable. She just kept squeezing him.

“Mom.” Lucas sounded put-out, “Mind his arm.”

Bianca fussed over the sling, and it was a solid thirty minutes before Aiden could take a sip of his coffee. The food was cold, and Lucas cleared the uneaten plate.

“Are you staying the night?” Bianca asked with a bright smile.

“It’s only nine.” Aiden answered with a smile. He was sure his wasn’t as cheerful as hers.

“I was speaking with Zara the other day” Bianca sat in the chair Lucas had vacated, “She said you have an interview in Limerick in a few weeks?”

“UL do their music auditions a year early.” Aiden answered, wondering if his music teacher often talked about him with Bianca.

“You’ve already decided on your course? That’s brilliant. I can’t even get Lucas to look at college websites, never mind individual courses.”

“I have had a look.” Lucas grumbled, “I’ll do something in Engineering or whatever.”

“You don’t want to do an English course?” Aiden asked, slightly surprised by the choice. He didn’t recall Lucas ever having an interest in Engineering, but then he thought that he hadn’t known him inside the school setting and perhaps it wasn’t a weird choice for him.

Lucas looked at Aiden, surprised or confused. “Why English?”

Two sets of green eyes were intently focused on him, and he felt like he was being interrogated. He played with the hem of his shirt again. “I just figured since you read so much, you’d pick a course that would include that.”

Bianca hummed. “You’re a good boy Aiden.”

It was Aiden’s turn to look confused.

She pat his shoulder, and said she was waking up Dennis, her husband, to come meet him.

“Why good boy?” He asked Lucas.

“Want to go to the cinema?” Lucas asked.

Aiden was a bit thrown by the sudden question. “Okay?”

“Great. I’ll be ready in ten minutes.”