“Huh? What’re you saying? I haven't done anything yet silly. I should be the one thanking you really. You let me stay here whenever i want, i don’t even have to ask. And you never ask me why i’m upset or angry. Its like you always know the right thing to say and do to make me feel better again”
Forgetting about finding me clothes to wear she tiptoed to the end of my bed, placing her hands gently on the frame whilst studying me, i opened my eyes and admired her as well.
“Lizzy...thank you for being amazing. Honestly, you really are a pillar of strength for me! I feel so confident by your side and...i’m not scared when i’m next to you! I really feel...like you protect me”
It caught me off guard, she had never said anything like this before. I thought we understood each other, it never seemed like we needed to talk to understand what the other was thinking. I was sure that she only ever felt happy by my side. But to believe that she felt protected, to think she felt stronger when she was next to me. I wanted to believe that there could be more, it flashed into my mind, a perfect life where we lived together. I would protect her from everything, be there when she was afraid and she would care for me when i was ill or injured. I wanted to believe we could have a future. But it’s impossible for us to be together. I sat up when she said she felt protected by me, but after thinking about what could be i ended up clutching my chest and looking away from her.
“Lizzy? Are you okay? You look like you’re going to cry...sorry, i must’ve shocked you”
“Idiot”
“Huh?”
I whispered it under my breath as i thought of how much it hurt to be with her, it came out without me being able to take it back. It’s not like i had never called her an idiot before, it was just that, those times i had said it in a joking way...this time my voice was full of pain. I’m sure she picked up on it because she gasped and came running over to me, she climbed onto the bed and hugged me from behind, her arms swung over my shoulders and round my neck as she buried her face in my back.
“I’m sorry, i don’t know why...but...i upset you right? I’m really sorry”
“I can’t...it hurts”
“It hurts? Your head? Your nose?”
“My heart”
I felt her flinch, she inhaled sharply and her eyes must’ve widened, her grip on me tightened before loosening.
“Wh-why?”
“...It would be better for both of us if i didn’t say”
“Heh, that’s not fair Lizzy. You never tell me anything”
I could hear the pain in her voice, she shook gently and i hated doing this to her. Who knows what had happened before she came here, she shouldn’t of been dealing with me acting this way, but for some reason i felt like i was at bursting point. For some reason on that day at that time i couldn’t bare to hold it in any longer. Whether it was good or bad that i overflowed with emotions at that time, i still don’t know. But i poured my heart and soul into every word i spoke to her on that day.
I turned to face her and grabbed her wrists pushing her to lay on the bed me above her, I held her gently not wanting to hurt her or scare her too much and she stared at me wide eyed not knowing what would come next.
“It hurts Jane, I can’t hold it in anymore. I’m sorry. I know today isn’t the best day to break...you’ve probably been through so much today. So I really wanted to hold it in. But I can’t, I can’t do it anymore. It hurts too much”
“Tell me...You don’t have to hide anymore”
Maybe she knew what I was going to say, maybe she could feel my emotions or perhaps she had suspicions for a long time. But whatever it was, she took everything way too smoothly. Of course she was shocked when I said it but she calmed down and stayed quiet. She didn’t try to escape or get away from me, she didn’t act scared.
“I love you. Not as a friend. I love you as someone far more than that. I’ve loved you for years, probably...about… ten years. I really can’t love anyone else. Trust me I tried, I tried so hard to date other people. Boys and girls...but no one clicked, I couldn’t do anything and I just broke it off with them after a while. I tried so hard to give others a chance! There was even a girl that said she loved me! She confessed and everything! I knew she would get hurt but I dated her anyway!! But she said I was cruel!! She said it would’ve been better to deny her the chance rather than trying and her realising that I loved someone else!! So...So I stopped after her. I haven’t dated since. I want to be there for you! I want to protect you! I want to live with you! I want to hold you in my arms so that no one else can have you!! I love how much you trust me! How you always come to me for help first, i’m always the first one you call and text. It’s never anyone else!! I love you so much!! But it also hurts! Because I know that you will never love me the same way!”
I had started crying halfway through telling her, my tears dropped onto her clothes, her skin. They fell to her cheeks and rolled off her face, her eyes sad as she felt my emotions run through her. I couldn’t keep looking into her eyes and I let go of her, pressing my head to her chest an endless amount of tears fell from my eyes.
“I love you so much!! But it hurts!! And I don’t want to hurt you! I don’t want to put pressure on you or scare you away! But...But if you left me, if you didn’t want to even been by friend anymore. If you were afraid of me. That would be okay. Because I wouldn’t be able to hurt you. And I wouldn’t be able to feel the pain of being by your side! But..But I don’t ever want you to go!!”
“You contradict yourself too much. It hurts but you love me. It would be better if I left but you don’t want me to go. You don’t want to scare me or hurt me, yet you are.”
I flinched when she said the last one, my tears stopped in my eyes and I couldn’t breathe. I lifted my head and fearfully hunted for comfort in her eyes, mine wide and hers soft, her hand then slowly lifted and held my cheek as I automatically settled into it.
“Maybe i’m not physically hurt. Maybe i’m not physically scared. But seeing you like this, you’re so torn up you don’t know what you want. That would hurt and scare anyone. My chest aches because I can’t give you back the feelings you’re giving me. I always thought that maybe you loved me a bit too much, as a friend, there were a few times through the years when I thought you did something weird. But I passed it off as nothing important. To think you were in this much pain, I really do love you as a friend, you’re like a sister to me, so I can’t see you that way...I want to stay by your side. But if it’s really that painful…”
“Jane…”
I took her hand that had held my face, I held it strongly with my own and pressed my forehead against hers, my eyes closed and the fear of what I was going to say rattling through my body.
“Just once...Please...Just once...I really don’t want to be alone anymore”
“Lizzy? I don’t know what you’re asking…..”
“Let me kiss you”
That made her widen her eyes and gasp, she wasn’t expecting such a disgusting thing from me, of course she wasn’t...But actually, she didn’t find it disgusting at all. She could see how broken I was, and she didn’t hesitate. Pulling her hand out of mine she wrapped her arms round my neck and pressed her lips to mine, what started off as an innocent press of the lips turned into a tsunami of kisses. But what made it special was that she smiled as she did it, I could feel her radiating happiness, I knew it was okay. But I promised that I would only kiss, and I kept that promise. A short while later she let go of me and dropped back to the bed smiling.
“If I was ever going to change...I would only change for you.”
“How much are you trying to hurt me?”
We both smiled at each other laughing slightly, tears in our eyes.
“Give me sometime okay Lizzy? Let me think about everything. But try and forget me, try dating again. Maybe it’ll relieve some of your pain”
“If you say so”
“Heh, whatever I say goes right?”
“Pretty much”
I smiled wiping my tears away and standing up walking away from the bed, my headache was gone and my nosebleed had long since stopped and dried. I got changed and we watched a movie afterwards, she slept on the sofa that night but was gone by the morning.
Now I'm staring out my window at the early morning covered in frost. It’s been three weeks since then and I haven't heard anything from her. The pain in my chest is gone but I still love her, I still want to see her even though I shouldn't. I just hope that she's safe and...that we can move on. Maybe this time apart will help me break away from her or maybe it will reinforce my feelings.
But we won't find out until she comes back...If she comes back.
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