Getting home from work at a ridiculous time in the morning I was about ready to collapse onto my bed and sleep for eternity but habits got the better of me and I wandered over to my laptop, turning it on still standing I checked my emails and my eyes widened when I saw a familiar yet unfamiliar email address. I didn’t expect the email to be from that person.
-Dear Lizzy,
It's been two years since I last saw you, i'm sorry I haven't kept in touch but after what happened I didn't think I could talk to you fairly. I decided to travel the world, that's why I disappeared, but I haven't got very far. I've only seen a few countries but you wouldn't believe how much walking I've done. I may have beaten our record for "longest walk in hours"-
My heart had crawled into my throat, my bag dropped to the ground and I settled into the chair beginning to read it properly.
-But, I've decided to come home, these last two years I might have been looking for the answer, maybe I was trying to find an answer to your confession-
Whimpering I feathered my hands to cover my mouth not wanting to read on but forcing myself to find out what she was going to say. I already knew who it was, the email was that of her father's, I wondered before why their house was being rented. Of course, they’d all went together to travel the world.
-At any rate, I miss my town, my house, my friends...And...I miss you as well. I'm sure I've put you in a lot of pain since I left and this email will probably hurt you more but...I finally have an answer for you. I'm coming home now so I'll see you soon.
From Jane-
I'd buried my head in my arms, tears falling yet my shaken voice was loud and clear, as if I thought the screen could hear me.
"Give me a date you idiot. How am I supposed to stay calm, when I don't know when you'll show up?"
I don’t know how long I sat there for, but what was certain was that I wasn't going straight to bed from this. Instead I wiped my eyes, jumped into my pyjamas, made dinner and a hot chocolate and sat back down at the computer, reading the email three more times whilst drinking my drink and eating my dinner.
That night I went to sleep nearly 3 am thinking and dreaming about Jane, the next day my thoughts were full of her. I got told off at work and even walking home I almost walked into traffic because my thoughts were full of her, thankfully a stranger saved me and lectured me about being safe immediately after. I got home and she wasn't in my apartment like I thought she would be, I ate food and went immediately to bed.
My life continued like this for a month by which point I had given up on her coming to see me, only a small drizzle of hope flowed through my body, I had stopped thinking of her, yet my heart ached to see her.
First day of the next month and my work was piled up, thinking so much about Jane I was late on almost all my assignments. I worked hard throughout the entire day and managed to catch up on a lot of work. Yet only two hours left and an annoying person decided that now was the right time to bother me.
A knock on the door of my office broke me out of my workflow and I stared at the door wondering if I had imagined the knock, but a second knock told me a real person was outside.
"Come in"
A ginger walked through my door, but my heart dropped as I realised it wasn't who I had hoped for. Jake a young 20 year old guy who was new at our workplace, walked through my door closing it behind him.
"Jake? What do you want?"
The cruelness in my tone was clear to hear, this person was the one who annoyed me the most.
"Wow so mean! Is that any way to treat a fellow co-worker?"
"Jake, I'm too tired and have too much work to do, to deal with your bull-crap."
"No fun are you?"
"Again, what do you want"
"I need you to check over my concepts for the advert that C company want us to make for them"
"I'm not in charge of that project, why don't you give it to your supervisor?"
"Well the head of the project is ill, and the boss said he was too busy to check it over"
"So he sent you to me"
"Yeah, well you are pretty much the untitled second in command"
"Yeah that's a load of bull, I just get my work done. And I'm too damn kind"
"Tooting your own horn aren't you?"
"Give me the prints already Jake, I don't have a lot of time. I'm behind on all my paperwork"
He handed over the concepts and began walking around the room, looking at my piles of paperwork.
"Why are you so behind? Usually your office is...Tidier"
"None of your business"
"...Say...What happened with you and that girl?"
"What girl? I know a lot of girls"
"Y'know, the one from the party last Christmas?"
"Don't know"
"Really? She was kinda hot. You should've stuck with her"
"I don’t need your input on my romantic life!"
My annoyance was obvious but he kept pushing all the buttons that wound me up more. This guy is the only person in my workplace who knows my preference. Everyone else just believes I like guys like ‘normal’. But this ginger, he just happened to walk in on me making out with another girl at the Christmas party at a bar last year. He never told anyone but he uses his knowledge to blackmail me. Because I know that the majority of the people in my work group are uncomfortable around homosexuals.
The reason I know something like this is because one of my male co-workers had a break down a few years ago, he got drunk at a party and told everyone he was gay. They didn't alienate him at work, but they didn't exactly spend a lot of time with him either. It's not that they hated him they just didn't really like him either. Even our kind-hearted boss didn't want to spend very long in his presence. Of course I still talked to the guy but 6 months of being treated like that and he left the workplace, I still talk to him sometimes but the sad thing was that he had to get a job three hours away from his house because the rumours of his sexuality had spread and no one really wanted to be around him.
When Jake caught me I was ready to pack my things and leave work as well, but he never told anyone. A few days later he caught me on my own and used my preference to blackmail me. I was his personal waitress, cook, cleaner, I was made to do everything a maid would do. But after only a month of that he stopped. I don't know why but he still blackmails me when he wants something. It's one of the main reasons I hate him so much.
"Hey, you've been acting kind of weird for a while. I don't see you in the canteen anymore and now I've looked around your office..."
"It's none of your business"
"Liz, do you realise how ill you look? You're really thin too...And all this paperwork-"
"I'm fine!"
"Maybe...You should stop sleeping around?"
"What!!"
He had my full attention, I'd slammed my pen down and was glaring at him straight on. Ignoring the concept art on my desk. Though his shiver of discomfort at that eased my heart a little.
"I know you go out drinking pretty often. Sometimes you come into work looking pretty rough"
"Like I said-"
"All these empty relationships aren't helping you"
"What’re you trying to say!?"
"Maybe...Maybe it's time to settle down? Your health is getting really bad. I don't think sleeping with random girls and guys is good for you"
"Right! I've written down notes on where you need to do more. Now take your concepts and leave!"
I stood up slapping his things together and shoving them into his hands. Pointing at the door bitterly.
"Wait! I want to help you! I'm worried! Let's have a real conversation!"
"It's none of your business! I don't need your help!! Get out!"
"But Lizzy!! Your health!!"
I yanked open the door and pushed him through, him trying to speak to me but I slammed the door in his face locking it straight after. Hearing his sigh from the other side I turned round my back to the door sliding down till I hit the floor and covered my eyes with a hand.
I know. I know my health is getting worse by the day. I noticed it a long time ago.
When Jane was with me, we would jog round the block every other morning. I made healthy food and had a three course balanced diet. I didn't smoke, didn't drink alcohol very often. I was good.
But two weeks of jogging on my own I doubted that she would come back soon. I stopped jogging, exercising, my diet dropped down to only breakfast and dinner sometimes only dinner and I began staying up late at night drinking alcohol either on my own or with some girl I didn't know. And of course I picked up smoking to ease the stress.
Ever since Jane disappeared my health has gotten worse and people have told me I look ill or tired, but I can’t fix myself. My heart is too damaged to care about my body.
I just don't have the energy to pick myself up and put myself back out there, even daily life feels like a daze. I know I'm wasting away. I lived for her, I looked forward to every second spent with her and I always waited patiently for the next time she'd come around. back then I could love her smiling face and bright eyes and not feel a weight on my shoulders, I could get away with hugging her for long amounts of time and she'd only think I'd missed her. I could hold her close to me when she was sad or scared and I could comfort her with my entire being. I could share a bed with her and watch her sleep peacefully as she only had nice dreams and sometimes I'd be in those dreams. Everyday spent with her was heaven and I loved all of it.
But now she's not Beside me...now I'm alone the dark loneliness and anxiety seems to be closing in around me. The fear of never seeing her again is slowly suffocating me.
I feel empty
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