Before I realised, night had fallen and a knock at my door turned out to be my boss telling me to go home. I don't know when i’d returned to my desk but I had continued working and apparently I had worked into over time. My boss stared at me worriedly but he said nothing and left me to it as I packed up my things to leave.
Walking out the building my heart fluttered when I saw short ginger hair and I couldn't help but reach out to them.
"J-Jane!!!? Jane!?"
They turned around and my heart shattered as I realised it was only Jake again. The Dickhead.
"Sorry, I'm not who you were hoping for"
"Bastard! Stop doing this to me!!"
I Couldn’t hide the pain in my voice and my heart felt like it was going to explode, Jake’s eyes widened slightly but I didn’t care, I was ready to speed away but his worried voice stopped me in my tracks and forced me to face him. His face red from the cold wind blowing around us. God knows how long he’d been out here.
"...I noticed that whenever you see me your eyes light up and you have the biggest smile but then it immediately turns to disappointment...so...you're looking for Jane?"
"Don't say her name! Why are you out here!!"
I was angry, I knew it wasn't his fault. It was my mistake but I couldn't help but blame him. How dare he have the same hair colour as her! How dare he trick me every time I see him!!! It was tearing me apart. Just being around him was painful. Thinking someone you love the most was actually someone you hate the most, I was slowly breaking because of it.
"I'm sorry, she must be important to you...I uh...I was waiting for you, I was worried because well, how you've been acting and I was hoping I could help"
"You can't help me leave me alone"
I began walking away but he followed me not giving up as easily as I wanted him to.
"Maybe just talking about it can help? I can't help but feel at fault for this way that you're acting"
I stopped. It felt right, for him to say that, it was his fault...no, because I kept thinking of him as Jane, it was almost as if it was Jane telling me it was her fault.
"I did something horrible and I took advantage of you, I'm sorry. But I want to help you now. "
"...that's not what I want to hear from you"
"It's not?"
I snapped.
Turning to face him my voice became the anguished roar of a lioness, the fierce viciousness of my words trying to cut him but I didn’t care if they did or not. Pain surrounded me and I felt blind as I roared at him.
"I want you to apologise for running away!! For leaving me here in the dirt!! You know I only took this job to earn enough money so I could take you on holiday!! So that I could take you to all the places you wanted to go!! Everything I have ever done has been for you!! So why won't you love me!!! Why did you leave me here with no answer!!! Why did you force me to be alone when you're the one who made me love you!!! It's your fault I'm so messed up now!!! I-I....I....I HATE YOU!!!!"
I loved Jane, I still do. But even though I love her, I hate her. She destroyed me when she left and she didn't even give me closure. This life is torture without her in it. Seeing Jake as Jane, seeing him as her...I screamed out all my frustration, he may have been confused afterwards but he didn't chase me when I ran away. He just watched me run down the street bawling my eyes out.
That day, he truly realised how broken I was, he experienced my pain first hand and took the brunt of my hatred.
But he didn't hate me the next day, he didn't accuse me and work life didn't really change for that entire week.
It was only the week after that things started to shift.
“Urgh, i’m so fucking tired!! I don’t even want to look at my emails!!!”
Despite protesting that to my apartment I still slumped down into my desk chair and turned my laptop on. Just like the first time I sat in shock when I saw an email from a certain person in my inbox. My hands shook and my heart beat fast, but I couldn’t open it and my head fell to the desk.
“I can’t...I can’t go through this again...seriously, what the hell is there for her to say!?”
Despite sitting there for twenty minutes refusing to open the email I still pulled myself up and read the entire thing.
-Dear Lizzy,
I’m home now!! I’m finally home, just settling into the house again, thankfully the people who were living here whilst we were on holiday moved out a week ago. It’s a bit dusty at the house so i’ll have to clean up first but when i have time i’ll definitely come to visit you!! It’ll be sometime in the next two weeks so keep an eye out!! Don’t forget I have an answer for you, just wait a little longer.
From Jane-
“Still no date...in the next two weeks? Where? When? Fuck! I wish you’d just tell me already, this is torture!!”
I didn’t get any sleep that night, thoughts overrun by Jane and everything about her. Despite being exhausted I couldn’t get her out of my head, it didn’t help that i was starving hungry from not eating dinner. I was probably lucky enough to get an hour sleep before my alarm went off to get up for work.
Dragging myself into the office dark bags under my eyes I melted into my chair and started filling out paperwork and editing concepts. Distracting myself with computer work as well as written work, I didn’t stop for a break when everyone else did, I lost all concept of time, everything just blurred together.
I don’t remember seeing or talking to Jake at any time that day but I vaguely remember hot cups of tea being continuously placed on my desk every time I finished the mug. I must’ve fallen asleep halfway through work yet I woke up with a large coat draped over me. The note in front of me wrote.
-Don’t do anymore work today, the manager has given you two days off. It’s the weekend in two days so enjoy your long weekend. I’ll see you on Monday, don’t forget to bring my coat. Check your voicemail as well, the Manager left a message on it. From Jake-
Still so drowsy from sleep I managed to sit up and realised the entire office was pitch black, peering at the time it was 1 am and I couldn’t believe how long i’d slept. Yet unable to believe I had two days off work I checked my voicemail and sure enough the managers voice confirmed what the note had written on it. Barely being able to function I got my things together and wrote on the back of the note leaving it on Jake's desk and heading home.
My note to him read.
-Thank you for the coat, tell the Manager i said thank you. I’ll see you on Monday-
The moment I got home I didn’t even have the capacity to check my emails or make food I simply passed out on my bed and woke up at 2 pm the next day.
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