The last two nights we hadn’t met up after work due to working overtime and the thoughts about Jane had struck me the second I had a moment to myself to think. Sleep last night was hard and I trudged tiredly into work when I saw the ginger in my office.
Sighing aggravated my tiredness kept me unable to handle his idiocy this morning and I was dreading to walk into the room. speeding into my office sounding annoyed I stomped immediately to my desk not even looking at him.
"I told you to get out of my fucking office Jake! This isn't your play area! You have your own office so bugger off!"
"You aren't even going to look at me?"
"No I'm fucking no-...."
Eyes widening I looked up from my work and stared at the ginger, she was just as beautiful as the last time I saw her and I couldn't stop the tears falling from my eyes, she immediately stood up and walked over to me hugging me closely and all I could do was blankly stare and cry as her warmth infected me, but she pulled away when she noticed how much thinner I was.
"You lost weight!! A lot of weight!! Have you been looking after yourself properly!?'
"J-Jane, y-you’re here...I...I missed you...so much"
"Hey calm down, you can stop crying come on look at me properly I'm probably all blurred with all those tears in your eyes"
She pulled out a tissue and dabbed my eyes then giving it to me so I could wipe my eyes properly.
She smiled at me with those sweet perfect lips and her eyes were so bright and full of life I couldn't help but break down crying again. I don't know how long I spent crying in her arms but when I eventually calmed I had a headache and was hit by a dizziness I was too weak to fight off.
Jane spent a long time getting me water and patting my back until I was fine again and we sat down at the sofas and stared awkwardly at each other though I couldn’t hold the gaze for long. Jane spoke first, her voice slightly more hoarse than i remember, her now tanned skin caught my eye whilst she spoke as she had always been a pale person even since we were young. There was an apologetic tone in her voice but something about it felt wrong or off.
"I'm sorry Lizzy, for disappearing like I did."
"...yeah"
"Um, how are you?"
"...."
I didn't reply to her question, afraid I would become angry at her and blame her for my suffering, afraid I would burst into tears again. Afraid I would make her disappear again. I said nothing forcing the awkwardness in the room to rise.
"Um, well I'm doing okay! I uh, I travelled to Italy and toured there and then I went to Greece and toured there too so that was fun!"
It pissed me off, she was travelling the world having fun whilst I was going through my everyday life in pain and agony.
"Uh...my parents are still abroad, I came home on my own...you know I've always been afraid of being alone"
"Please..."
"Hm?"
"Please, stop talking"
My head had dropped even lower than it was before. How could she be so oblivious to my pain, why didn't she understand?
Then the door flung open causing both of us to stare at the ginger, Jake had a look of disappointment and he stormed into the room stopping in front of me.
"What're you doing!!? She's here isn't she!!? So why aren't you saying anything!!!?"
"H-how can I?"
"Stop wimping out!!! Get up and talk to her"
He grabbed my arm and yanked me to my feet dragging me round to her side of the table and plodding me down next to her, she just stared at the two of us shocked.
"Listen to me Liz! If you don't tell her anything then I will!!"
"What kind of cliché bullshit is that?"
"The kind of cliché bullshit I'm willing to spew to save your fucking relationship!!"
"What relationship? She hates me"
"I don't!!! I could never hate you Lizzy!!"
"..."
"Fine! I'll say it because you're too wimpy to say a single thing!!"
Jake sat down opposite us and glared at Jane who just stared wide eyed at him.
"Jane! It's your fault! Everything that she's been through is your fault!! You turned her into an unhealthy, unsleeping skeleton whore!!"
"How dare you!!" Jane yelled, but she was briskly cut off by Jake’s come back.
"Because of you she goes out nearly every night, drinking enough alcohol to drown herself, sleeping with any girl who will take her and staying awake so long she's late for work in the morning. She barely eats any food anymore and she doesn't get enough work done, she's nearly been fired 3 times this year!! That's never happened before!!"
"Wh-what?"
"If I hadn't of butted in when I did then she'd be dead by now!!"
"What are you saying?"
"You nearly killed her because she was so depressed about you leaving. She's loved you her whole life!!! And you just left because she told you she loved you and she kissed you. How could you do this to her!!"
"What, n-no... Lizzy? Is it true?"
I stayed quiet not being able to answer her and she looked between me and Jake hoping for an answer from one of us. Jake sighed and threw a pillow at me I immediately glared at him and threw it back.
"Don't be a dick!"
"Stop ignoring her!"
"I'm not!"
"Well then answer her!!! Why are you being weird!! You've been waiting all this time and now you won't talk!!?"
"Lizzy please, I want to understand. I'm sorry I didn't even know you were going through this I thought you would be okay because you've always been so strong"
"I'm only strong when you're by my side. I'm nothing without you"
"That's not true! You're beautiful. And charming and ..."
"I'm not...I tried so hard to stay the same after you were gone but I couldn't. You're my entire reason for living and when you left it was like hell had opened up and the devil was torturing me every single time I opened my eyes to a new day. I tried to have other relationships but the pain grew. I tried so hard but after realising you weren't coming back...I- I...Everything else... turned into a blur afterwards...I just kept continuing on...hoping you'd come back...that's it"
Looking at Jane my eyes widened when I saw her crying and Jake smiled offering her a tissue I felt so drained of emotions seeing her cry like that felt unreal, I remembered the day she left me, she was crying at that time as well. Back then I could hug her for hours and she wouldn't question it but now...I can't even touch her without scaring her, at least those were the thoughts rushing through my mind. As if she had a protective shield that I couldn't get past, being locked out always. Able to look but unable to touch.
Then she hugged me.
Jake smiled eagerly but stayed quiet and watched the scene before him unfold. And I forgot he was there, even Jane might've forgotten he was there.
Letting go of me she held my face in her hands forcing me to look at her.
"I'm so sorry I did all of this to you, please please forgive me"
"Jane I-"
"Maybe.... Lizzy whilst I was away I thought heavily about what you said and what it meant to you, I knew it was important but I guess I didn't quite realise how important. Lizzy I didn't just forget about your confession, I...I have an answer for you"
My eyes widened and my heart pumped faster than it ever had before. I could feel my body pulsing and my blood rocketing around my body. These two painful years had all be in wait of this moment.
"I don't love you"
.....tears streamed down my face as my heart shattered into a million pieces and crumbled to dust, Jake was so in shock his jaw hung wide open and his eyes were so wide they could've fallen out of his head. She smiled at me sadly and asked to be friends and I went home in a daze so unbelievably thick that I had no clue if I was really home or not.
Then my eyes opened and the sun hit my face so strongly I thought I would burn. Jane's face appeared and blocked out the light.
"Good morning sleepy head"
"J-Jane?"
"Another nightmare?"
"..."
"I'm sorry I left you for two years I can't believe it was bad enough for you to have nightmares about it"
"Is this real? Or a dream?"
"Oh come on are you serious!? You don't remember me telling you I love you? It's been a week already if you're really going to act like this every morning I hope it wears off soon"
"What the-....mmm, no...I do remember you saying that...you did come to my work place...that did all happen didn't it?"
"Lizzy, come here"
She held her arms out and I sat up falling into her hug, it was warm and gentle and full of the love and care i’d missed so much.
"I love you Elizabeth"
"Ew don't say my full name"
"Heh, I'm sorry I did all that to you, but hopefully now you can forget all that"
"I never thought this would come true"
"...it took a long time, I wasn't sure if I could love you, you've been my friend for such a long time and I've always liked men...I wanted to return your feelings, I really did. But I couldn't...I had to spend those two years learning to love women...learning what it meant to be like that"
"Don't tell me you slept with other women!!?"
"No no, I might've kissed a few but I didn't sleep with anyone I swear!!"
"Hmpf!"
"However!! You were quite busy weren't you!!"
"I was fucking away the pain! You destroyed me! What was I supposed to do, your last words was "try and find another relationship" so that what I did!!"
"How many times do I need to say sorry!!?"
"Until these nightmares stop"
"Well then please stop them soon, I don't want to have to apologise my entire life"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~End~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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