HER comes rushing up to Q at full speed and grabs her jacket as they stand on the rooftop across from Nyx’s warehouse.

As HER sharply turns Q around, tears well up in Q’s eyes. Her hair covers her face as the tears cling to her hair.

“So what should I do then!?!” She shouts at the top of her lungs. Her body collapses and her knees hit the ground. I let my legs be a rest for her head as she struggles for breath.

“How can we change what our society has become if we do not fight for what we believe in? This is what we have to do.” She hits my thighs, pounding her fists into me over and over again.

As I feel my body being pushed back over and over again, I try to hold my ground. “Is this really what we have to do? Or is this what we’re told what to do? What good is fighting? Hasn’t that always been the solution?”

She hold my pants now. Pulling them into her fists. “If I hold a gun. Shoot Nyx. Done. Problem gone.” She starts to hit the cement. The fists hitting rhythmically.

I bend down and place my hands over her fists and pull them up from the ground. “A bee is gone. Not the hive. If you kill the bee, it does not destroy the entire system that created the bee.”

“But what if I kill the queen bee?”

“Is there a queen bee?”

I feel her arms wrap around my legs. And I let myself go. I fall down with her.

“Q, what Nyx does, what he represents, is the fears of so many… of why so many aren’t sure about this new world society? How can we be okay with giving up something for others when no one has done this for us? How can we be okay with giving up weapons when the weapons were what kept us alive these past twelve years? This is vulnerability. But with vulnerability comes faith. We have to have faith that if we sacrifice we can live in a better world.”

“What does a better world look like? And for whom? Will a better world truly look better for everyone?”

I place my head on her forehead. And feel the heat from her face radiate onto mine. I feel the sweat the tears. Her breath hit mine.

“I can’t remember a life outside of war.”

“I can’t either.”

I breathe in through my mouth and take in the cold.

“So do we decide to take the life now in front of us with all the insecurities it might come? Or do we go back to what we had? War, fear, individualism?”

“I want to kill Nyx. I want to kill everything he stands for. For what he did to you.”

“He did nothing to me. I… I just let myself let go and forget.” I place my hands on both sides of her head, keeping my forehead against hers.

Q pushes me away and I see her eyes. Clear. Unwavering. “When I close my eyes at night, I see his face. I see him and I hear him tell me…”

I can see the fear creep into her jagged breathing.

“Shoot him.” We both say at the same time.

“Shoot him.” I repeat “Or there will be another soldier just like you to take your place.”

Q begins to cry unabashedly.

“I was 14 years old. I WAS FUCKING 14 YEARS OLD. And he found me. And he told me I wouldn’t be 14 anymore. I wouldn’t be vulnerable. I would just be a soldier. Like everyone else. I would be… 6723. Not 14.”

“I know. I know. But it felt right? In that world, it felt right.”

“Why do you defend him? It wasn’t right.”

“Why must you kill Nyx, Q?”

“You're not answering me. You’re not answering me! I don’t have another reason to live. I just live to eat. I live to stay alive. I would rather know that I have lived to remove him from hurting others. Why don’t you feel the same way? Why don’t you get that he brainwashed you? He made you believe is his ideals. They are not your own.”

“When you stole from me that first day out of the bunker. After living years in the bunker, I immediately thought that this was the first real life I had seen in years. You smiled and laughed as you stole from me. You have more life in you than you realize.”

“Life? That was stealing to eat. And you? What about when you draw? You are enthralled. You don’t see anything else. Just the page in front of you.”

“Did you know what I was before all of this, Q? Before the protests and the raids and the soldiers. I drew. I drew everything. Courtroom scenes. Landscapes. People’s dogs. I loved drawing hands. I barely got paid to do this before. Will I be able to do it again? Will I want to do it again?”

I hold onto her with everything I have. Because I know how badly she wants to end it. Wants to kill Nyx because it will make her feel better.

“If killing me would make you feel better, I would do it.”

“Haven’t you already survived? Why do you have to put yourself in danger? Why do you have to solve something that is bigger than you? Won’t there always be another Nyx. Another disillusioned leader that can make others believe him? That can sweet talk, that can take the fear you are experiencing and turn it into anger, rage, and murderous intent? I cannot imagine a world where this isn’t him. But what if we tried? We’ve already tried everything else haven’t we?”

“We’ve already tried blowing up the enemy? The evil vile bad guys? I’ve killed the dictators, the soon to be dictators. I’ve done that. I have been a part of the chaos, the destruction. The inhibited mess of revenge. That is neverending.”

“If you could live, Q, without fear? Would you do it? Would you walk away from this and start over?”

I hold her head up, “Have you even tried? Have you even tried to see what your life could be like without this?”

“WHAT ABOUT YOU? How do you know what it is like to live in this hellhole? To know that your body is not your own? Not even your mind? It is full of HIM!”

“Cannot it not know something else?”

“I… I don’t know… I have always lived with the mind to live. To examine nothing. To fear everything. To give loyalty but not expect anything. I don’t expect freedom. I don’t expect to live. But I wanted it for so long. I.. I wanted it. And now, I don’t know what to do with it. To be told your whole life what to think, to eat, to do, to kill. I can’t think it will be over until he dies.”

I just pull her in and hug her. I hold the back of her head as I feel it shake from left to right. And she struggles, she tries to push me away half-heartedly. But I put all my energy and heart into making her feel that I am here for her.

“This is so big a burden. So much life you have to live from what has been taken away from you. Do you realize what it must mean?”

“No”

“That you’re alive!”

“This pain. These questions. These choices that you are about to make right now. They all mean that you are alive!”

“You now have this choice, Q! To end your life right now. To walk away. To kill. You now hold this choice.”

“What will make you happy?”

“What will make me happy?”

“Will living? Wait, will trying to live make you happy? Will you make yourself happy?”

“Huh… I...”

“Let’s give this a try. Let’s walk away from this and give it a try. Just for today. For right now, can you make this choice? For right now, can you make the choice to just breathe and feel your heartbeat. To feel my heartbeat.”

“Breathe. Please. Just breathe.”

I grab her and hold her head pressed up against my chest. I put my hands on the back of her head and just hold her.

When she finally breathes again.

“Okay.”

And we walk away. Alive again.