Dear Rosey,
Things have been oddly okay. For once. To be honest I expected hellfire and brimstone but nothing like that has happened. It’s been a week already! The dance is this weekend right before school lets out for spring break. We said we were going to go together and make it a sister thing, but you and I know the truth and Blythe.
Blythe has been strangely humane about this whole thing. I expected claws to come out and dirt to be slung, but she is being good for once. It’s almost too good to believe that everything is going so well. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it hasn’t.
“Wait so you two made out while your future stepmom was downstairs?” Blythe squeezed a pillow to her chest.
We’ve been hanging out, just like we used to. Our parents were totally cool with us being friends again. Yes, there was an initial shock, and if you ask me I’d say her mom is still suspicious of me but other than that they are cool with us hanging out with each other. Which let me tell you is weird.
I mean yeah we used to be best friends when we were younger but it’s been like six years since we were ever this close. Six years of hating each other just wiped away in a couple of weeks. I’m still trying to get used to this.
“Yes, that’s bad right? gah! This is so weird.” I shoved a pillow in my face.
“Did you, you know, we both know how sensitive you are.” She wiggled her eyebrows.
“Shut up! And yes it was very embarrassing.” I hit her with the pillow.
“I knew it.” She laughed.
“Shut up. You’re the worst.” I complained.
“Zara, Zara, Zara, and where is your Rose now?” she crawled over to me seductively.
“She is with her mom looking for a dress for the dance.” I shoved a pillow in her face.
She sighed and laid next to me. we were silent for a while.
“Are you sure you are okay with me talking about this stuff? I won’t talk about it if you don’t want.” I said.
“It’s fine, besides I need to know how good my competition is if I’m going to win you back.” She teased turning to face me.
“Blythe don’t make this weird.” I turned away from her.
“I’m just being honest.” She wrapped her arms around me.
We laid like that for a few minutes, Blythe breathing down my neck. I couldn’t help but relax in her arms.
“What do you like most about her?” Blythe asked to break the silence.
“Her spirit, I love how carefree she is. I love how she never judges a book by its cover. How she is always open to new experiences. I wish I could be more like that.” I said.
We were silent again.
“Blythe you don’t have to pretend you’re okay. I won’t talk about this stuff anymore.” I pulled out of her arms to face her.
“But I want you to. I want to know what it is that you like in a person. I want to know all about you.” She moved some hair out of my face.
“Stop doing this to yourself. You’re just hurting yourself.” I said.
“But it’s a good pain.” She smiled.
“I’d feel better if you had no pain.”
“Remember when we were 10 and my mom took us to the playground for the day. There was that big fat kid picking on you. He pushed you off the slide, remember?” she asked.
“Of course I do, you called him a lard ball and punched him the face.” I laughed.
“Yeah, then he and his friend starting hitting me, but I kicked him in the balls. Got in trouble and got some bruises but I had protected you and that’s all that mattered. That was a good pain too.”
I just sighed and kissed her on the forehead.
“Are you going to the dance?” I asked.
“Are you asking?” she wiggled her eyebrows.
“No. I’m going with Rosey. I still don’t know what to wear I was wondering if you already had your dress?” I asked.
“Well I do, but I don’t think I’ll go.” She sighed.
“Why?”
“Watching you and Rose slow dance, yeah I’ll think I’ll pass.”
“What about your other friends, you can hang out with them,” I said.
“Yeah I don’t know if you noticed but I sort of committed social suicide the moment I started dating you. They haven’t talked to me in weeks.”
“Really? What assholes.” I grumbled.
“Tell me about it.”
“Well, what do you think I should wear? I’m not really a dress person, but I don’t want to wear a tux and everyone think I’m butch or something. God, why do things have to be so formal?”
“It’s a dance nimrod, not a pep rally. This is like the only time us “kids” get to try and be fancy like we think adults do.”
“Well, I think it’s too much pressure.” I turned over.
“Well I think we should go and look for you the perfect outfit, I mean we have nothing else planned.”
“Really? You’d help me?”
“Hmm let me think getting to watch you try on many outfits and get all hot and flustered, count me in.”
I rolled my eyes at her.
That is how we ended up at the mall. I swear we went to every store in the freaking building. I must have tried on over a hundred different things. Some of them were just so Blythe could tease me.
“Okay enough, we are never going to find something I like.” I slumped down onto a bench by the food court.
“Well if you wouldn’t be so picky.” She sighed slumping next to me.
“I just want it to be right, you know?”
She sighed again.
Then my phone rang. When I answered it, it was you.
“Hey, where are you it’s getting late.” You said.
“I’m at the mall with Blythe. I was trying to find something for the dance but it’s hopeless.”
“We have about an hour to find something before the mall closes,” Blythe said to me.
“Just come home, I miss you.”
“We’ve only been apart for a couple of hours,” I smirked.
“feels like forever.”
“Okay, can you please hang up before I barf,” Blythe said.
We both sighed.
“I’ll be home soon, I think we have one last store,” I said.
“Well hurry.”
“I will, bye.”
“Bye.”
“Okay now back to the task at hand.” Blythe pulled me off the bench and forced me to go to the last store.
Instantly I knew this was the one. I saw the dress I wanted in the display case. How many times did we pass this store? Why hadn’t I seen it before? Either way, I wanted that dress. It was simple, not too girly. Something I would feel comfortable wearing. It was in my favorite color too, red.
“Are you thinking what I am?” Blythe asked. We had been standing outside looking at the dress for like a whole 30 seconds.
“That’s the one, come on.” I dragged her inside.
When I looked at the price tag my heart stopped. It was way out of my price range I’ll tell you that much.
“Aw, no way. Why me?” I rested my head on Blythe’s shoulder.
“Just call your dad and ask for more money.”
“Ha! Yeah right, he’d never let me waste that much money on a dress I’ll only wear once.”
“Just try, we did not spend hours browsing to give up now.”
So I called my dad. After explaining the situation and telling him the price and a long painful silence he finally agreed. I was shocked. I’m telling you he has been body snatched. This man is not my father.
So with the perfect, and expensive dress in tow, we headed home.
“That wasn’t so bad I guess,” I said to Blythe as I was getting into my car as we arrived at her house.
“It was great for me, I took a picture of you in that leather dress.”
“You did not, Blythe!”
“I couldn’t resist, and I’m not deleting it either.”
“You better.”
“No way, this moment belongs to me.”
“You really are the worst.” I hopped into the driver seat of my car.
“Maybe, but that’s what makes me the best.” She winked at me.
I felt my face get hot.
“Night, see you tomorrow at school,” I said.
“Night.” She kissed me on the cheek.
Then I drove home.
“Let me see, let me see, let me see.” Melissa practically clawed the dress out of my hands.
While she was ogling the dress you snuck up behind me and planted a quick kiss on the back of my neck. Close to my jawline. I felt my face get hot.
“Oh it is so beautiful, you girls are going to look so pretty.” Melissa cooed.
“Okay mom, you can look at it better this weekend, my turn.” You yanked the dress from her hands.
“Well, did I do good?” I asked.
“Perfect, we are going to match.” You smiled.
“Good because I don’t think I want to go anywhere near a mall for a while.” I sighed.
“Come on let me show you mine.” You dragged me upstairs.
We walked into your room and you locked the door. Then you set my dress down on your desk before tackling me to the bed and kissing me.
“What got into you?” I giggled.
“You know I hate when you hang out with Blythe, especially for long periods of time.”
“Well if this is what I’ll get every time I do it, then I should do it more often.” I teased.
“Shut up and kiss me.”
You tasted like bananas and ice cream.
“You still haven’t shown me your dress.” I laid my head on your lap.
“No way, I want it to be a surprise.”
“That’s not fair I showed you mine.” I pouted.
“You snooze you lose, you should have been here when I got home then you would have seen it.” You ran your fingers through my hair.
“You’re mean.” I smiled up at you.
You just looked down at me with those sparkling blue eyes, moving one of your hands to trace circles on my cheek. I could have stayed like that forever.
“Can I ask you something?” I said.
“Sure.”
“Would you say, your gay or bi-sexual.” I know it was a random thing to ask at a moment like that but it has seriously been gnawing at me. Ever since the first time I suggested you might be gay, the way you answered it back then. Your certainty, it was off-putting. I wanted to be sure you were comfortable with not only who I am, but who you are.
I swear I saw the color drain from your face. Your finger stopped tracing circles and you moved me off your lap. Instantly a wave of dread washed over me.
“I don’t know what you mean.” You said.
“Rosey, I’m a girl, you like me right?” I sat up.
“Well yeah, but that doesn’t mean I’m gay or anything.”
“It sort of does.”
“It’s not like I look at other girls or anything,”
Then you said the words I have been dreading would come out of your mouth since the first time I brought up the subject.
“This is just a phase.”
It was like you had stabbed a knife into my heart. It was like you had just said that I wasn’t really important, that I was just something to hold you over till something better came along. The words Just a phase tell me you don’t expect this to last, they tell me that you are taking advantage of my feelings for you.
This is not just a phase to me, I really like you.
“Wait where are you going.” You said as I got up to make a hasty exit. I grabbed my dress but got stalled by the locked door.
“Zara wait. That came out wrong.”
“No, I don’t think it did.”
“I like you okay, I’m just taking it slow.” You grabbed my arm to keep me from opening the door.
“There is taking it slow and there is outright denial. Which one do you think you are in right now, honestly.”
“Why is it such a big deal anyway? Does everything have to have a label?”
“You don’t get it, do you? This may be just a phase to you, but it’s not for me. I really like you, a lot, and if you aren’t taking me seriously then you’re just wasting my time.” I opened the door and walked out.
“I am taking this seriously.” You chased after me.
It was then I cursed that I wasn’t fast enough to slam the door on you. I could feel my anger boiling, steam rising. I was mad but more than that I was hurt.
“You can’t even admit to yourself that you are different. God forbid that Rose Stewart doesn’t fit into the cookie cutter perfect person mold. I am not ashamed of who I am, and when you just said that, you made me feel like I should be.” I admitted.
I dropped the dress on the floor and moved to my bed, hugging myself. If you couldn’t take me seriously then how am I supposed to tell my dad? How is he going to react when I finally tell him the truth? I don’t want to be ashamed of who I am, but if you think I should be, then maybe I shouldn’t tell him anything. Maybe I’ll take this secret with me to the grave. I’ll just stay in the closet for the rest of my life.
“I’m sorry okay, it’s just hard. It’s not something I want to address right now.” You crossed your arms.
“Then when Rose, when?”
“It’s a lot of pressure! If people found out they would treat me differently. They wouldn’t see Rose Stewart, all they would see Is some gay girl. I don’t know if I can handle that.”
“Everything okay up there!?” Melissa called from downstairs.
“Everything is fine,” I called down.
“I’m scared Zara, I mean you haven’t even told your dad yet.”
“You’re not alone in this, I’m here, we are going through this together,” I said moving to hold you.
“I just can’t, not yet, please don’t push me.”
“Okay, I won’t. I just want you to know where I stand.” I wrapped my arms around you.
You nodded into my chest.
I wish I could tell you that I dropped it, that I let it go and moved on but I still think about it. I can imagine what are break up will be like, with you telling me that it was just a phase. I don’t want to picture our break up, not when this relationship is just getting started.
Because you can’t even admit it to yourself let alone anyone else, how are we ever supposed to go on a real date? What about if people ask why we are so close, are you just going to say it’s because we are sisters? I don’t want that, I don’t want to be just your stepsister.
I wish I could just let it go, I wish I could just drop it but I can’t. now part of me will always be wondering if this is nothing but a phase to you, a joke.
Now I can’t trust you.
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