The Palace of Heavenly Purity was in chaos.

Servant women in their long white dresses scurried to and fro like nervous mice as eunuchs marched about and gave commands in their high, flighty voices. The hangings of calligraphy on the walls fluttered as people ran past them in every direction, frantic to make every last detail perfect, as it must be.

I stood completely still in the middle of the chaos even as my stomach twisted into nervous knots. I kept my eyes obediently trained forward and my chin held high as women dressed and beautified me. They were good at their work, and as efficient as a well-trained army.

They gently applied white powder to my cheeks until they were as pale as the moon, glowing and fine. They painted my lips into a perfect, full shape with their crimson dye. I concentrated on not accidentally licking my lips in nervousness- mother would have my head if I did that again.

My gown, expertly pinned and tucked to my frame, was made of silk imported from the Wei province, down on the empire’s southern shores. It felt like water rippling gently against my skin, like the softness of down feathers. It was bright red naturally, the color of luck. The skirt shimmered with fine golden trim. On it was embroidered an intricate design of fish swimming upstream in a river, their tails a pattern of shining silver thread, their fins a slash of bronze whorls. The sleeves of the ensemble were even more grand. They draped over my wrists and hung all the way down to the floor, trailing behind me. Their design differed from the skirt. Each sleeve was etched with a flying golden dragon dancing its way across the fabric. The two dragons were identical. They were sinuous, joyful creatures with an open, grinning maw and large whiskers like a catfish.

I took a deep breath and released it slowly. They were auspicious symbols meant to bring me good fortune on an equally auspicious day.

The only part of me that was not ornamented was my hair. My long black tresses were combed until they shimmered, but I was not adorned with a delicate headpiece as was usual. Instead, a servant woman knotted a simple bun on top of my head, and let the rest of my hair fall down my back.

Of course, this was a requirement of the Guanli ceremony- the ceremony of the hairpin.

Just remembering it made me feel queasy again. I didn’t dread the ceremony- rather, it was nervous excitement that made me feel so on edge. Excitement for what the ceremony represented, and what it meant for my future. Nervousness for fear that, somehow, I would mess it up.

I’d dreamt about this day since I was a little girl. The royal concubines of the harem would always play with my short hair and tease me, laughingly telling me that I hadn’t earned the right to grow it out yet. I’d run to Madame Fu crying and demanding that I be allowed to grow out my hair like the other beautiful ladies in the palace. Why did I have to be different? The old nanny had merely clucked her tongue and tapped me lightly on the wrist.

This is the rule for all royal children, she told me then. You simply have the misfortune of being the only girl amongst three brothers. For the princes, it won’t be so hard. Men don’t understand how we women wear our hair like medals, like spoils of war. For us, it is like showing off a crown jewel.

I remember how I’d sniffled and looked up pleadingly at the old women with red eyes. I had begun to understand then how much the Guanli ceremony really meant. As a princess, I didn’t automatically have the right to flaunt my hair like common women; I had to earn it.

And so, every six months from the age I was six, my hair had been cut to hang just below my shoulders. I was miserable every time. For the first few years, I threw horrible tantrums that sent the servants panicking. Each time earned me a sharp reprimand from my mother, and I quickly learned to bite my tongue and suffer it in silence. But every year meant I was one step closer to the day of my hairpinning ceremony. That day would mark my transition from a girl to a woman. I would earn the right to grow out my hair. I would, in fact, be expected to never cut my hair again for the rest of my life, as it would now be considered too sacred to cut. After that day, my father would be free to arrange a marriage for me and make me a fine bride. It gave me a happy little rush just to think about it.

I remembered with sharp precision the Guanli ceremonies of each of my brothers. I’d burned with jealousy each time. First had been Li-bai. He went through the ceremony with all the poise and grace of a firstborn son, never showing a hint of emotion or relief of any kind. Next was Jian-yu’s turn. He purposefully smirked at me as the monk had presented him with his hair pin, and I’d stuck my tongue out at him. Last of all had been Shun. He’d been almost as nervous as I was now, but out of real fear rather than excitement. His hands had shaken under the sleeves of his robes throughout the whole ceremony- I’d been glad when he made it through without fainting.

And now it’s my turn. I had to keep my face in an expression of total neutrality for the women applying my make-up, but my mouth hurt from trying not to break out into a grin. Finally, it was my turn.

The women at last finished their work. They each stepped back, covered their fists with their palms and bent forward at the waist into a bow.

From the entrance to the chamber, the low, vibrating tone of a gong sounded once, twice. I turned around to face the door.

“Thanks be to the divine beings, her majesty Empress Pei-hua has arrived.” A courier announced loudly.

All activity in the room halted. Servants and eunuchs froze, instantly orienting themselves towards the entrance. The two heavy mahogany doors were pushed open and my mother strode through them.

All the servants bent forward, falling to their knees and placing their foreheads on the ground. I didn’t fall to my knees, but I too put my fist against my palm and bowed at the waist.

“Heavenly fortune to your majesty!” We recited in unison.

My mother’s voice was clear and sharp. “You are all dismissed. I will speak alone with my daughter.”

The servants rose to their feet. Keeping their heads bowed respectfully, they filed out through the doors one by one. The large doors were closed behind them, and then it was just me and my mother.