I pull away after a moment and we stare at each other in shock. What did we just do? We just kissed. He kissed me, and I didn’t slap him into another galaxy?! In fact, I kissed him back! Did he put something in the food that made me lose my mind?
“I’m sorry.” I say pulling my hands away from his face and rubbing them off on my dress. How can I get rid of the feeling of his skin on my palms?
“Me too.” He says. He pushes his chair back into place where it originally was, and then stands there covering his mouth with his hand.
I put my forehead into my palms and rest on the table. What happens now? What do I do? Should I say something? We both seem to be idiots. What do you say to an idiot?
“I didn’t…it wasn’t my intention to do…that. I was just-you were crying so I-“He cuts himself off and I nod in agreement getting to my feet,.
“Yes. It was just a spur of the moment thing. We got too caught up in our conversation!” I say wringing my hands, and speaking louder than I mean to.
“Yes, that’s it! We were both going on about never finding love. Really what can you expect?” He says laughing loudly, and I start to laugh as well.
“Yes! What can we expect?” I say. Awful laughing fills the space where our dignity once was. We must be going crazy. Our laughter fades back into awkward silence. I fiddle with my fingernails not wanting to look at him again.
“Well I’m going to go to bed.” He says.
“Yes, I probably should too.” I say ducking around him to go to my room.
“Ruth!” he says unnaturally loudly.
I stop and turn halfway around. He’s rubbing the back of his head looking at the floor instead of me. Just like me, he’s standing sideways.
“Did you…feel anything?” He sighs loudly letting the question out.
The question catches me off guard and I don’t know how to respond. I felt his lips on mine. I felt how soft they were and how desperate they felt. Desperately wanting to feel something for me. To be in love with me. I felt myself thinking the same.
“No.” I say simply. I can’t lie to him. I owe him the truth above everything else.
We turn to face each other fully. He puts his hands into his pockets and sighs slowly. I think about excusing myself or apologizing as he looks up at me.
“Neither did I.” He says smiling sadly at me.
I look down at my hands trying to find something to say. How can I comfort him? Dos he even need to be?
“I don’t want you to think less of me because of what happened.” I say instead drawing my chest and my chin up.
“Of course not. I ask that you don’t think any less of me either. I initiated this mess.” He says touching his fingers to his lips. Those lips that met mine before our hearts even knew one another’s names.
“I’m going to bed Ralph.” I say and he nods turning to the table and resting his fists on it.
I lock my door as a get into my room. I don’t even trust this man enough to keep my door unlocked, and yet, I kissed him. I must really be going crazy, or maybe really wishing for love at this point.
“Ruth, you have flown over the deep end with this one.” I say to myself. I touch my lips tracing the feeling into my finger trying to imagine what he might have felt. It wasn’t a bad kiss. I guess I was just scared of what it would mean if we got too carried away. If it would even get to that point.
I shove thoughts of kissing and love and Ralph out of my head as I lay out my night dress. It’s been a long day and an even longer night. I would love nothing more than to just wash it all away and go to bed. I hear a soft knock on my door and I shuffle over slowly. What does he want now? He isn’t getting another kiss out of me if that’s what he wants.
I open my door, and see nothing but a small card on the floor in the dark hallway. I pick it up and read the words on the top. I really am sorry, Ruth. I turn over the index card and there is a wad of money taped to it. I scowl at the bundle and look at what’s written underneath it. I hope this makes up for my behavior.
I laugh and think about marching into the dining room, and chucking it at his head. I accepted his apology he doesn’t need to buy my forgiveness, or my silence if that’s what he’s thinking. I sigh and close my door. I set the cash and the card down on my dresser and make a mental note to leave it where he could find it with my reply.
With all that out of the way I head into my bathroom and let the steam fog up the bathroom as much as it can. Screw it all. I think to myself letting the hot water wash away the pain of the day down the drain. I still wonder though did ralph tell me the truth? Did he really not feel anything at all? I wouldn’t say I didn’t feel anything. The kiss felt wonderful, and I wanted to continue, but…I don’t want to be a body he can use whenever he damn well pleases! I don’t want him to think I’m, so easy he can just slither his way under my dress and be welcome with open arms…and legs. I snort as I turn off the water and get out to dry myself off.
I better have the best sleep of my life after the day I’ve had.
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