Like most Wisconsin winters the winds felt as if it were ripping your flesh clean off your skeleton. The snow towered at three feet. At the end of my driveway, it was even higher thanks to the plows. With that and the windchill, everything was closed. But, you’d still find that occasional idiot trying to navigate his way through the needle wind towards the bus stop.

At least when the snow fell the evergreens were picture perfect. They toward high with their white dresses draped over their trunks. When we were kids, Lucas and I would hike through woods of white trees near his house for hours. At times building forts and creating games. Other times just collecting sticks and stones.

In elementary we learned about the different types of trees. There was a small area outside surrounded by those massive evergreens. As the teacher went on about the other various plant life, we would listen while sitting on the stumps of fallen trees, or we’d count its years. Lucas was particularly interested in the different kinds of trees. He even started collecting fallen leaves and kept them in a white binder. He was so proud of that little collection. He’d even shown it off to our teacher.

Now that I thought about, that was one of the last times I ever saw a smile on his face.

“Hey!”

I flinched. I spun around, a little too quickly, and fell on my ass again.

“Ow…” I groaned. I shot a glare of death toward the owner of the voice. Keith leaned over his center conceal in the warmth of his silver pick up truck. “What!” I snapped.

He cocked a brow. “Where are you going?”

“The fuck do you care?”

He rolled his head back. Then sighed. “I just was wondering if you needed a ride somewhere. It’s cold out.”

I stared at his warm, inviting, car and debated against the strong, agonizing winds. Now that I was back to reality I realized my fingertips were numb, despite my gloves. “I’m going to Lucas’ house,” I explained.

“Why?”

“What do you mean why? His anniversary was - oh, wait, you already knew that, didn’t you?”

“I didn’t mean to offend you. I don’t hate you.” He promised. “I just hated him.” I didn’t even bother responding to that. “Come on. Let me give you a ride. He lived out in the country, didn’t he? You can’t possibly walk there.”

“I was gonna take the bus.”

“Just get in.” He leaned over to open the door for me.

I eyed him with suspicion before I climbed into his truck. As expected, it was clean as a whistle. He really hadn’t changed.

“So why are you going to his house? I mean… what’s there to visit?” We pulled away from the curb and as the engine grew louder, he moved a stick between us. The engine quieted.

I shrugged. “Malory found a strange message in his room.”

“What strange message?”

“Just a decimal number. I’m not entirely sure what it means.” I relaxed a bit in my seat as we stopped at the red light just before the on-ramp to the freeway. “I was hoping I could find something else if I looked in his room.”

Keith nodded slowly before speaking. “Could it just be a game code or something? How do you know it means anything at all?”

“Shaultz was written in the corner.”

“Well, he was in love with you, so -”

“He wasn’t in love with me…” My face warmed up. “He just liked me.”

He laughed. “Seriously? What part of his absolute obsession with you be anything but love?”

“We were eighth-graders.” I shifted around uncomfortably. “And when you say absolute obsession it makes it sound like he’s a criminal.”

Keith shrugged as we drove up with traffic onto the freeway. “Kay, but in his suicide note, he used the word love.”

Probably one of the most embarrassing parts about making that document public was the reception that came with it. A lot of people suddenly knew my name. I’d gone from being a no one to being the most popular student overnight. “You hated me too… after that letter was published.” It wasn’t attention I enjoyed.

“I don’t think it should have ever gotten published.” I sank in my chair. “Letting everyone know about Lucas’ thing for you made things way more complicated than they needed to be. Didn’t it?”

I huffed. “Yeah. No shit. You wouldn’t talk to me after that.”

“We were growing apart and you know it. Even before… I wasn’t about to chase after you like a little puppy with him standing guard.”

“But you ignored me when you came back.” Suddenly the glove compartment fell to my knees as Keith rummaged through it for gum, nearly killing us as he drifted into the other lane. He jolted us back when an angry trucker blared his horn beside us. The car on our other side delivered us the finger. “Seriously? You couldn’t wait for that?”

“Fuck off. I’m trying to quit smoking. It isn’t easy.”

I frowned. “When did you start smoking?”

“After my mom died.”

I hesitated. “I'm sorry.” I’d almost completely forgotten about that.

“She's been gone since fifth grade. I'm over it, but cigarettes are hard to beat. You're smart for never getting involved in this crap.” He chuckled. “You know, my sister said had I stayed friends with you I wouldn't have smoked my first one. But let's be honest, you were so shy you would never tell me not to do it.”

I shrugged. “I dunno… I might have.”

“You're still shy.”

“What?”

He laughed at me again. “You still don't talk to anyone. I am curious, though,” He hesitated. “Did you like Lucas back? Like… are you… gay?” He said it like it was acid rolling off his tongue.

“If I am?”

He paused for the longest time. “I… Don't mind?”

“You seemed to care when you screamed at me in the classroom.”

He flinched. “It was a joke. I thought it'd be funny. And I can't stand Lucas.”

“I got that part. But you yelled at me not him.”

He sighed. “Yeah, I guess. Do you want me to apologize? Sorry.”

“Fine.” I pressed my forehead to the window. The glass was freezing against my warm skin. It made me a bit sleepy.

“Then are you?”

“Gay?”

“Yeah.”

“I'm… probably. I think I am.” I didn’t dare look at him and brought my knees to my chin. “Do you hate me now?”