I walked to the school full of hesitations. I don’t have the courage to continue while thinking of the outcome that might happen first thing in the morning. Plenty of “what-ifs” ran across my mind. It simulated around my brain with no end, but one thing that stood out was the same of what I’ve witnessed yesterday. What if they waited for me at the school entrance and take me to the back of the school building, then initiate their punishment like what that girl experienced? That would surely hurt…

Just then I remembered:

“Embrace the pain”

Why did I forget about that too soon? The only way for me to continue was to wholly accept my fate. It doesn’t matter if I was always driven to the corner, as long as I was capable to withstand their everyday torture, I could call myself a victor of this nonsensical affair. Even a little, my bravado worked that I could lift my feet up to walk towards my warring destination. Upon my arrival, I heaved a sigh of relief saying in my inner thoughts: glad that they’re not here. I continued my strides until I opened my locker. I was startled by what I’ve seen inside. It was a letter enclosed in a small white envelope.

At first glance, I couldn’t tell whether this was a love letter or not. First, this was an all-girls school so assuming me triggering that kind of event was very unlikely. Ugh… why did I think of love letter? Who’d be the crazy person brave enough to send that? The next thing that I thought was in connection to those three bullies, maybe the contents inside would spill nothing but insults or heaps of hate. If the case was the latter, then I found no problem. Being used to scorn and everything, caustic remarks had been a part of my daily life that I don’t care anymore. To stop my train of thoughts, I opened the letter and read its content:

First and foremost, I want to apologize by sending this letter to you. I’m sorry that I can’t face you right now in person, I just don’t have the courage to do so. Hope you understand me. I want to say sorry for all the things that I’ve told you on the first day. Sorry for revealing to everyone about your dreadful past. Now, I am alone same as you, I obtained the same feeling of solitude. It made my days distressing that I’d cry myself out in bed. I want to ask for help. As of today, I might get bullied again by our new classmates, I don’t want this to continue so please help me. Please meet me at the entrance to the shopping district after school.

A new trick up their sleeve, I guessed? From the moment I read the beginning of the letter, I already have a doubt of its true sender. As far as I could tell, that girl wouldn’t resort to that option unless she swallows her pride and accepts that she was “different”. Even if I placed myself to her shoes, there was no way I’d ask for my enemies’ aid. Well, how could she expect help from someone she bullied countless times? That action was too egoistic on her part. Perhaps the three girls thought of me as kind-hearted, or easily drawn out whenever the opportunity of developing companionship comes in.

Yes, I once assumed of befriending that bully, but after I was stressed with hanging out to the three of them, my excitement about companionship was buried deep. What’s worse? Now I think of friendship as a pain in the neck. Having friends would consume plenty of time and effort, and exerting effort to doing things you were forced to do was too bothersome. Now, I’d rather choose to be a loner than a follower of a false leader.

In the English word friend, there was always the word “end”. When a person lost a friend, his days would change into something that he wasn’t used to. Like what was happening to that girl today, because of going to such nameless town, she lost all her friends and her life changed to the worse condition. Unlike me, I don’t have anyone to rely on from the start so I have nothing to lose wherever I go. That was no doubt the advantage of loners. I learned how to stand up by my own feet for I have no one to hold on to. In fact, thinking of it that way means that I was stronger than them. Maybe it was time to stop looking down to myself. Despite my miserable years on elementary up to now, I could still lift my head to face forward. My middle school days must be a stepping stone for a brighter future.

I went on until I embarked inside the classroom. I averted my gaze after the three girls went in. Taking a seat, I again thought that they’d approach me without hesitation. I thought that my rudeness yesterday was enough for them to do nasty acts in public. I was wrong, though. As if I was “non-existent” again from their eyes, they headed to their seat and chattered about topics that meant nonsense to me. I heaved a sigh of relief at that, however, I couldn’t rest at ease for I knew that they were planning something horrible afterschool. Too bad for them, I wasn’t lured by their fake SOS letter.

As soon as our homeroom teacher began checking the attendance, I realized that the girl -who was asking for my help by means of a letter- was absent. That situation arose doubts around my intuitive assumption. Was it really a fake SOS letter? Because she was absent, I couldn’t help but think that she was bullied the hard way. Perhaps yesterday, the three girls vented their anger towards her after my sudden escape. If that was the case, then I’d be held accountable for it. No. I must stop having that mindset. I don’t have to be responsible for other people’s faults. I always have the right to save myself, she too, has the will to do that. She was unfortunate for being caught. If there was anyone to blame here, it was either the group of girls or that bully.

Arriving in that conclusion, I decided to call it a day when the classes ended. I stayed in the classroom while holding a piece of an envelope that I obtained from the locker. Once I put it to display, I stared at one of the girls. We exchanged glances for a split second as she smiled to their leader. The smile was delighting to look at, but at the same time, it has a sinister feel. They smiled at one another, sending each a sign language.

That was the mark that filled my little doubts. Just because of that simple stare, I found out about their plan. I displayed the envelope on purpose so that they could be certain that I’ve seen it. Their eyes and expression tell that they knew something. They were the persons behind this. After they left, I waited for around twenty minutes before leaving. While walking on the way home, I couldn’t stop thinking of the possible things that the girls would do from now on. If they were pissed off today, the start of greater violence would commence tomorrow. I sighed in dejection upon thinking of the worst possible outcome.

Thursday morning, I blacked out for a moment.

“Why the hell did you ignore my request?!”

I fell in shock after returning to the real world, observing myself seated on the cold floor of the classroom… while sensing a liquid running down my nose. Wiping it off, I realized that my nose continued to bleed roughly. I heard soaring voices of complaints and hate. While lifting my head up, I saw that girl. Did she just punch me in the face? No doubt, it was powerful enough to knock me down for an instant. How great… Although that girl stayed blurry from my sight, I could tell that her face contorted in madness. She continued to open her mouth wide, exclaiming with the loudest of her voice. Little by little, I comprehended what she was saying.

“I am only asking for a little favor, aren’t I? Fuck you! You’re the reason why all this is happening to my damn life! From now on, if you don’t obey my orders this will happen over and over! Remember that!”

She breathes heavily after the non-stop yelling.

Are the threats over? I wanted to question that to her, but I decided to stop for I knew that it’d just make things worse. Neither displaying a body language of retaliation nor a sign of hate, I chose to keep my mouth shut to observe her give up. She turned around with teeth still gritted and fists clenched tight. She bit her lower lip while going back to her seat. That girl has awful problems in the head, I guessed at this point in time, there was no cure for her. No one could change that ill manner.

She was still living the delusion that she was dominant in the class, so her requests must be fulfilled without complaints. Since I neglected her letter, that also meant I ignored her entire presence. And this was the result. I was beaten up for good. It was unexpected to think that my conclusion yesterday was all wrong. Well, that wasn’t my fault. How would someone assume that she -of all the people in this old town- was asking for my assistance? Was she driven to the corner that far? While mulling about that question, I looked around to glance at the three girls. Each of them was smiling, enjoying the scenario. Meanwhile, my other classmates played the usual role of being an “observer”. Since I was aware that bullying worsens each year, I researched that topic beforehand. Indeed, the statistics made sense.

The older year you get, the more observer classmates you’d have. They wouldn’t do anything, even our class rep herself, couldn’t oppose the bully. All that she did was to stare at me in defeat. The observers would always be in safe condition unless they interfere, that was always the rule inside the classroom. It was all the same, during grade school, scenarios like these were common too.

This is the start, huh.

As expected, my weeks on the first year of middle school worsened. The three girls though, -even if I knew their true nature already- strangely played an observer in the class. Truth to be told, the girl from grade school was the only student who kept on harassing me. Maybe… just maybe, the three girls lost interest in bullying me for knowing that I have suffered enough. All that they do was to laugh whenever I was beaten to the edge. I haven’t seen them together with that girl either.

The level of bullying varied from time to time, calling me as “Germ” or “Plague Girl” aside, she also messed up my locker, threw a wet towel on my face, sprayed the chalk from the blackboard eraser to my head, hiding -or sometimes throwing- my indoor shoes or any of my personal belongings away, punches me whenever she wanted to, purchasing an orange fruit just to spray the few citric acids from its skin to my eyes, writing vandals around my desk saying that I must die or go to hell, and other sorts of things that may either cause physical or psychological disturbance.

April, May, June, three months came along since then until a week followed that the girl ceased from bullying. Of course, I’d find it strange, but before I start to look for answers our homeroom teacher responded to my pondering via an announcement.

“Ayanokouji-san’s paperwork was settled by her parents. After the summer break, she’s going to transfer schools.”

Change of schools, it was no doubt the announcement that I’ve heard. Although the news brought relief to me, I still find it unusual and sudden. I assume it has some connections to her parent’s work? So she was Ayanokouji-san, now that the teacher mentioned her name, I’d keep that in mind. Who knows, maybe one day when we meet again, I’d plot out how to exact my revenge. Today she was absent, didn’t want to hear that announcement herself perhaps. The next day, and the day after that, Ayanokouji-san didn’t come to school. She wasn’t missed by anyone, though.

Nonetheless, all her classmates -myself included- were eased for they knew that without her, there wouldn't be violence towards me. One by one, my classmates started talking to me, saying that the change in schools was favorable on my part. Some of them even apologized for doing nothing when the continuous bullying happened. That day, I told myself, “Glad that I embraced the pain”. This was the moment when I could call myself victorious. In case that girl still tried to bully me next week, I wouldn’t be bothered any longer. After all, I’ve resisted against her long enough that I was used to it, so a week of abuse doesn’t count.

Or so, that was what I thought. Ayanokouji-san was absent on her remaining days in school. Meanwhile, on the day of the send-off party, I didn’t have the courage to face her, to give flowers and a letter out of compulsory. I stayed inside my room surfing around the internet with my laptop, letting the time pass until it ends, then start a new life tomorrow while promising to myself that from now on, I’d seek friendship from my concerned classmates. It was around 4:00 PM when I was called by my mother. On that day, she was on day-off, which made it more convenient.

She knocked and opened the door of my room saying, “Someone’s looking for you. It’s your classmate from school.”