Dear Listener,

There is so much I have to catch you up on. Today was officially the first day of summer, and I haven’t seen either Blythe or Rose in months. Blythe and I sort of broke up? Okay maybe broke up? It’s still not clear as to what we are at the moment. Why is that?  Remember when I mentioned Blythe was acting off? Well, it’s because she was getting ready to move. She moved away due to her dad getting a better job. Which Hinds sight 20/20 I should have seen it coming being as he went out of town a lot.

I haven’t written an entry in months because of everything going on. I lost my job at the Bleak. After many days of not showing up to work they finally took me off the schedule. Here is a very short and painless summery as to what happened after Rose and I were caught in the act. Well as painless as I can make it anyways.

There was yelling, lots of yelling. You see my dad completely just forgot how unstable I was and went off the handle. He lost it. For Melissa on the other hand, she was in shock. I could see the wheels turning in her head as everything slowly fell into place and a lot of things started to make sense about Rose’s and mines behavior since they moved in.

We got dressed and tried to explain things. Which was hard because technically where we stood in the relationship with each other was very confusing for us, let alone trying to explain it to a belligerent father and a shell shocked stepmom. We told them about how we met and how we started dating. I had to explain why we broke up and how even though we broke up we still had feelings for each other.

My dad just couldn’t handle it. It was the secret that broke the camels back. He was livid. He blamed me for everything. Said I was trying to ruin his new chance at a family, I zoned out because I was too focused on Rose, who was a blubbering mess trying to explain to her mom how she was Bisexual. She wouldn’t let me comfort her. 

She turned on me.

She just, I don’t even know how to explain it. I never saw that side of Rose until that day. She wasn’t the Rose I fell in love with, instead, she was… Awful. She pinpointed the exact moment it all went wrong for her, rehashed every horrible thing I did to her. She, like my father, blamed it all on me. She told me her life was over for nothing, that I wasn’t worth it. Said that I ruined everything. That she was “normal” until she met me.

My dad sort of went into a stunned silence at this. And Melissa finally snapped out of her daze and tried to calm Rose down. It was like the sky came falling down and instead of standing there and waiting for it to crush her she pushed me in its path and ran for cover. Leaving me alone to get crushed.

By the time she had spat her last accusation at me, I was completely shattered into thousands of pieces. I didn’t know what to say, or what to do. I was at a lost for words. I thought she loved me, but at that moment all I saw in her eyes was panic and betrayal.

There the four of us stood and all fingers pointed to me. My dad didn’t know what to do with me, so I ran to my room and shut myself in. I called Blythe. Which was a mistake. While she was at school I dropped the bomb on her that my dad and Melissa caught Rose and I having sex. I had to tell her I cheated, again. She hung up on me. I tried for several hours to talk to her but she ignored me. So while everyone was “sleeping" I am a thousand percent sure Rose was awake. I packed a bag and ran off to my mom’s house. She was at work, so I just let myself in. It was sort of alarming how easy it was to break into her house.

Blythe would only come to talk to me two days later to say she was moving away. I cried like a big baby. I tried to fix us, I tried to mend it. But there was no undo button for what I had done to her. She told me she loved me and that she would always love me. Then I never saw her after that. Which is why it is unclear if we are over, but I am pretty sure it is? You see we still text sometimes to check in on each other and maybe call every once in a while, but nothing serious.

My dad figured out I had run to my mom and you know what he told me? He said we deserve each other, that we are both home wreckers. Told me to stay away and never come back, to not ask him for anything. He made me give him back my phone, and my car keys, and basically everything he ever bought me except for my clothes. He stopped paying for therapy and my prescriptions.

Today I ran out of pills. Took the last one this morning. Which is why I am writing a new entry. I am panicking. My mom is too much in debt to pay for my therapy or buy my prescription. So I have to go cold turkey. Dr. Spinner occasionally calls me to check up on me, and we have mini over the phone sessions. Because even though I can’t afford her services anymore, she still cares about me. She said I am one of her favorite clients.

My mom is doing her best. It’s not like she expected me to move in with her a few days after we reunited. Supporting the habits of an unstable teen girl is harder than it sounds. I should know I can’t even support myself.

She talks to me and makes sure I’m okay. But most of the time we hardly cross paths being as she goes to work shortly after I get out of school. Running a night club leaves no room for emotional teenage daughters.

I now go to a school called Lavern High. It is a very run down school where all the poor kids and “bad” kids go. Nothing like my old school. I went there for about a month, but now it is summer time.

All that being said I was not by any means in a bad mood when I got up this morning. You see having the shock of the century and losing both girls I love, plus my dad, in a weird way helped me. Yes, I was a miserable train wreck after everything. Yes, I did try and kill myself, Yes, I got fired, Yes, I lost all my stuff, yes, I had to change schools, yes, a lot of bad did happen. But out of the bad came some good.

“You ready yet? I wanna show you, you’ve never seen the hangout before. It will be your first time today. You must go through initiation.” Casta said from my mom's couch.

She had on some baggy shorts that hung loosely on her hips and an oversized off white T-shirt that had an old coffee stain on it. You could see her black bra through the fabric. She also had on a black beanie, despite how hot it was outside. Her brown hair was shoved into it, tiny flyaway strands sticking out. She had gotten her lip pierced a few weeks ago, and was now wearing a black ring, one of her snake bites. She planned to get both. Her dark caramel skin had a sheen of oil on it, she needed a shower.

“Okay, how do I look?” I asked showing her my outfit of shorts, and a flannel tank top combo. My hair was up in a ponytail and I had on some sneakers.

“You look fine, they are not savages.” She rolled her eyes.

You see Casta goes to Lavern high. Not only that but she lives at the end of the street. There is a secret thing they have here on this street, all the cul-de-sac kids have formed a secret club/ hangout where they go to get away from their horrible lives.

I asked Casta once why they weren’t friends in school and only at home. She said that it was special, that being friends at school too would ruin it. That everyone had their own “fake” lives but when they got home they could all go to the hangout and be themselves.

I liked that. I liked to think that I could fit in there. Of course, she said I wasn’t ready yet, that I was still too new to be let in. So after a couple of month of complaining and trying to win her over she agreed to take me on the first day of summer.

Here is what you need to know about Casta. At school, I am her only friend. We are like best friends now. She is an aspiring artist, her art is like really good. She is super talented at drawing realistically. She is also dirt poor. She lives at the house at the end of the street, the one surrounded by the big field. She told me her dad owns it. She also told me her dad is a drunk asshole who is constantly beating on her. They get food stamps, but he always sells them for money to buy beer and cigarettes.

She is like the leader of the hangout because she is always there, hiding out from her dad’s wrath. And I thought my dad was bad. Being friends with Casta has put things into perspective for me. I've learned that though I might have it bad, someone always has it worse. My dad may be bad, but at least he never really hit me.

I have also learned that what I needed wasn’t love, or sisterhood, or family, all along what I needed was a genuine friend. Someone who would listen to me and be there for me. Someone who understood what I was going through and could give helpful advice or put me in my place when needed. Casta has become that friend.

“Okay, I’m ready.” I took a deep breath.

“Follow me.” she wiggled her eyebrows at me.

“I’ll be back mom!” I called, she was in her “office.” Doing some paperwork. Something about numbers not adding up.

“Okay, be safe! Don’t stay out too late!” she called back.

Then Casta led me down the street. We walked over to the big field and past her shabby house. We had to run by it, she didn’t want her dad to see her. Then towards the way back of the field was a tiny picket fence sign.

Lost Souls Only.

That is what the sign said. On the ground was a hatch to an underground bunker.

“Okay, before you go in you must do the initiation.”

“Lay it on me, what do I have to do?”

“You see that pile of rocks over there.” she pointed and in the distance, I could see a pile of medium-sized stones.

“Yeah?”

“You need to grab one and bring it to me. If you can break it in front of me, you can come in.” she crossed her arms.

“Really?” I eyed her.

“I guess you don’t want to come in then.” She turned away.

“Wait! Okay, I’ll do it.”

“I’ll be waiting.” She smirked.

I rolled my eyes at her and headed towards the pile. At the time I didn’t get it, but I do now.

I walked over to the pile, maneuvering my way through the tall yellow grass, and picked up a stone. It was heavy but not unbearable. I carried it back to her and then threw it on the ground. It did not break.

“Go on, I’m waiting.” She said.

I picked the rock back up and tried again. Nothing. When I looked at her she was just staring expectantly with her arms crossed. I picked it up and tried again. Nothing. I could feel my anger and frustration getting the better of me. It was just a stupid rock, but it wasn’t it was more than that.

It was this desperate need in me to belong somewhere. To be a part of something bigger than me. I get it now. I had to prove that I wanted it, that I wanted it more than anything. I had to show her that I was indeed a lost soul looking for a place to call home.

I grabbed the rock and kneeled down repeatably ramming it into the ground over and over. The ground was too soft, it was not going to break. I looked at her, I could feel tears forming in my eyes. She didn’t say anything, she was waiting for me to give up. But I was desperate.

I went back to pounding the rock before an idea came to me. I ran back to the pile of stones and grabbed another before carrying it back. She watched me silently to see what I was going to do. I used it to smash the other stone to pieces. She smiled at me.

“There.” I huffed, dusting my hands as I stood up.

“Welcome Zara Scottsdale to the hangout.” She opened the hatch.

Inside was nothing I had ever seen. It was an abandon war bunker turned into a teenage hangout. There were several rooms. It was like half the size of the field. The main room had busted up tables and couches, obviously, things people intended to throw out but the kids repurposed them here.

There was a makeshift bar where lots of snacks filled the shelves. I’m talking chips, soda, candy, you name it. There were also a lot of boxes lying around filled with random junk that they thought might come in handy one day. Old clothes, ruined computers, deflated balls were some of the things in the boxes.

In the next room were bunks, lots and lots of bunks. Beds for soldiers now repurposed for kids hanging out or needing to hide from abusive fathers.

The room after that had all the intended bunker supplies for the soldiers in it. It was filled with old uniforms and helmets. Books on protocols and code. First aid kits and food rations. An old radio, and anything a soldier could need if they had to hide out here in case of a bomb.

There was a showering area and bathroom area, but Casta told me that there was no running water to this place. So it was mostly used for expression. Meaning graffiti and makeshift gym equipment. One stall, in particular, she told me was called lucky number 3. She says sometimes they use it to have sex and get “lucky”. She says it’s casual sex, no strings attached. Just used for venting sexual frustrations.

It was like heaven in there. I was a kid in a candy store. It was perfect, everything about it was perfect. Except one thing, once you graduate high school you can never step foot in there again. It was the rule, you would have to pass it on down to the next gen of kids. Both Casta and I were already about to hit that mark in a year. I just found it, the thought of abandoning it made me sad.

“New girl huh?” some chick called.

“Yep, Zara this is Riley, Riley Zara.” Casta introduced us.

Riley is what you think of when you hear the words trailer trash. She was pinky skin toned, white until you touched her or she was in the sun and then her skin would turn pink. She had lots of freckles all over her body. Bright orange hair and brown eyes. She wore a camo baseball cap and a tank top that was skin tight and bright pink. She also had on shorts that were two sizes too small, I could see her butt crack when she turned around. Top it all off with some cowboy boots.

“Bout damn time.” a guy said hopping off one of the bunks.

He was dark skinned. Really thin and lanky looking. Someone built for basketball rather than football. He had a small afro going on, it was not big or out there, just wild. His eyes were a dark brown so dark they looked black. He wore basketball shorts and one of those free t-shirts you get when you donate blood.

“Zara this is Jermal, or J for short.”

“Hi.” I smiled sheepishly.

I wanted them to like me.

“Where’s Lu?” she asked.

“He got stuck looking after his little sis again. Mom hasn’t been home in days, I took him a care package this morning.” He said.

“Lu is short for Lupe.” Riley clarified for me.

“Oh.” Was all I said.

“He usually hangs out with us,” Casta added.

“Just us today.” Riley shrugged.

“So what’s your story?” J asked.

“Um it’s a long one, but I guess you could say I am a suburb reject. I didn’t quite fit in where I come from. As my mom put it I was a hummingbird in a sea of pigeon and crows. I’m gay and that is not something my dad is very approving off.” I summarized.

“Sounds like you are right where you belong.” He nudged my shoulder.

I got a warm feeling inside when he said that because for the first time in my life I felt at home.