Even though you said we weren’t ready, I wanted it. I wanted it more than anything in the world. I could tell you wanted it to, the way you clenched your legs together tightly, trying not to feel the friction between us. It didn’t take long for things to get heated again.

This time you pushed me down on to the bed, you climbed on top of me. I could feel you grinding your hips into me. I ran my hands down your back and to your hips, letting you rock into me. I was getting close, very close. I trembled under every touch, moaned at every flick of your tongue in my mouth.

I quickly pushed you off and yanked your pants down. You didn’t fight me this time. I could see how wet you were, how soaked your panties were. My mouth watered at the sight of it. I slowly kissed my way up your bare thighs and to your wet center.

I looked to you for permission, you didn’t fight me. You had lust in your eyes. They were glazed over as if you were confused. Wondering how something so bad and wrong felt so god damn right between us. Neither of us was in control of our emotions and that was the problem. That is what got us into the situation we were currently in.

It took everything in me to pull away. To stand up and step away from you. Because I knew if I didn’t stop then, I wouldn’t have been able to stop. I had to look away from you, to catch my breath. When I did look to you I almost lost it.

You were still laying on my bed, your legs still spread. Your body trembled and your eyes were closed as you tried to catch your breath. Your fingers had dug into the blankets, desperately needing something to hold on to. Your chest heaved up and down, it was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen.

“Rose please, if you don’t get a hold of yourself I won’t be able to hold back.” I whimpered.

You turned your head and looked at me. Your eyes watered, I knew you wanted me, but I also knew that you knew we had to stop. Before things got too complicated again. Before we found ourselves back into that horrible situation.

“Zara, please.” For the first time, it was you who became the weak one. You who couldn’t see clearly past your desires. That was usually my job. I felt my face flame up.

I swallowed loudly and undid my pants, letting them slide past my ankles before walking back over to you. I crawled on top of you. I smashed our lips together once more. It was going to happen. We were going to be weak together.

That is until your phone rang. We jolted apart as if we had once again been caught doing something we shouldn’t have. You didn’t even see who it was before you ignored it. Then you grabbed my face and kissed me again. I kissed back.

“Zara you up yet?” My door swung open. It was Casta.

Again we jolted apart.

“Oh, I see, sorry.” She said awkwardly before shutting the door.

I sighed and rested my head on your forehead.

“I should go.” You said.

I nodded afraid my voice would betray me.

Then we both got up and got dressed. I was still trembling, still right on the edge. I walked you to the door and we shared a look.

“We should probably keep our distance until we get a handle on what just happened.” You said.

“But---”

“That doesn’t mean we can’t still talk and see each other. It just has to be in a public place. Where it won’t be easy to fall into that. You still have my number. Call me, text me. I still want to hear from you.” you grabbed my hands in your own.

“Okay.” I smiled.

“See you soon.” Then you leaned in and kissed me one last time.

I nodded when you pulled back, feeling my tears well up again. Then I watched you walk away to your car, which used to be my car, and drive away. When I closed the door a sob escaped my lips. It hurt to watch you go, even if it was on good terms.

Someone wrapped their arms around me from behind, I knew it was Casta. She pulled me in close and held me tightly.

“I’m sorry,” I said because I know I hurt her.

“We are in an open relationship.” She pointed out.

“I’m still sorry,” I said.

She sighed and kissed my neck.

It was like something in me snapped. Watching you leave again, not knowing when I would see you again. I wanted you to love me, more than anything that is what I wanted. But I knew you couldn’t at the moment. You couldn’t trust me yet and for good reason.

I was desperate to be loved. I took it where I could get it. Which meant Casta. I turned in her arms and smashed our lips together. She was caught by surprise but quickly reciprocated. I pushed her to the couch and sat on her lap. She moaned into me.

“Your mom is here.” She warned.

“Shh.” I bit down on her neck.

She held back a moan.

“Zara, she’ll hear us.”

I grabbed her off the couch and pulled her to my room, shutting the door behind us. Then I slammed her against the wall and latched onto her neck. While I was doing that I undid my shorts and once again let them fall to the floor. Then I stripped out of my shirt.

“Fuck me.” I moaned into her ear.

She shuddered.

“Please,” I begged, pulling her to the bed.

She pushed me down and got on top of me but it was clear she had no idea what to do. This was only her second time having sex. She was completely lost. It frustrated me. I practically ripped the clothes from her body and slammed her down on to her back.

I know I was being a controlling monster. I know I was taking out my sexual frustrations on her. I know I didn’t love her or feel what I felt with her the same as I did with you Rose. But you left me high and dry and I needed satisfaction.

I was already so wet, which she discovered by letting her hand travel down there in exploration. I slid her underwear down, as well as tossed my own to the side before I brought our legs together.

“Oh god.” She moaned once I started grinding into her.

We went at it like a couple of rabbits. Several hours passed before I stopped to take a breather. I know my mom was awake, I know she was probably hearing us, still, she never came in to say anything.

I was dripping sweat, my whole body shaking. I was breathing as if I had only one lung. I was thirsty because I was dehydrated from all the sex. I was also exhausted.

“No more,” Casta begged. Her body twitched under me.

I think the reason I kept going at it, is that I wasn’t satisfied. Sure I climaxed more than once, but it didn’t scratch the itch in me. It didn’t fill me in the way I wanted it to. Her touches did not bring me electrical joyous shocks. Her lips did not make my insides soar up into the sky. She did not fill me the way I wanted her to.

She was out of breath, also covered in sweat. Many hickeys covered her skin. Between her legs was swollen and puffy, bright red from all the irritation. Her legs shook so much It made me question if she was okay

I leaned down and kissed her one last time, finally collapsing next to her on the bed.

“Okay,” I said.

I heard my mom leave for work, she didn’t even say goodbye. She definitely knew what we were doing in there.

She curled up next to me, her body still shaking then she passed out from exhaustion. I passed out with her, letting myself go to sleep unsatisfied.