Dear Rosey,

My mom and I had the talk. Okay, so she wasn’t even surprised I was sexually active, in fact, she already knew as much. I had to tell her everything after I ran away to her house to escape the prison. I told her about us, about Blythe, even about Clara and our one night stand. She knew I was having sex. What she didn’t know was that Casta and I were having sex, which was a different story.

You see my mom knew I had sex with Blythe while she was over, turns out we were not so quiet as we thought, or maybe the walls are way too thin, either way, she knew. So her finding out I was also sleeping around with Casta was an issue.

“Want to explain?” she asked.

It was morning, well morning-ish and we were the only ones in the house. Casta had left to go and sell off some of our spoils.

“What?” I took a bite of eggs.

“I thought you were with Blythe.”

“I am-ish”

“So then what about Casta?”

“What about her?”

I was purposely dodging her.

“Okay let me set some rules, obviously things are going to be different here than what you are used to. I try to give you freedom and room to express yourself. That said, I do not enjoy waking up to the moans of my daughter having sex in the next room. Nor do I enjoy that it went on for hours. Sex, though it is a way of expressing yourself, shouldn’t be done when there are other people in the house. Understand?”

“Okay, sorry, I just got caught up in the moment.” I felt my face flush.

“Imagine having to listen to me have sex for hours, I am pretty sure you would not find it pleasant.”

“Okay, I think you’ve proved your point.”

“I am not finished.” She said when she saw me getting ready to bolt.

I groaned and sat back down.

“Why was Rose here?”

“She came by to make amends.”

“Are you back together? You know how your father feels about that.”

“No, we aren’t. We are just friends.”

“Emm hmm.”

“Okay, so we may have slipped up a bit, but seriously we are just friends.”

“Slipped up as in sex?”

“Almost,” I muttered.

She sighed.

“Can I go now?” I said, done with that awkward conversation.

“Not done yet.” She sang.

I sighed and shoveled more egg into my mouth.

“So, just we are clear. You are sleeping with Blythe, Casta, and Rose all at the same time. Correct?”

“Rose and I didn’t---”

“But you wanted to right?”

“Yes,” I admitted.

“Zara, you do realize just because you are a lesbian doesn’t mean that you can just sleep around. You can still contract diseases.”

“None of them have anything.” I quickly defended.

“I know, I am just precautioning you since you are sleeping around with every girl that walks your way.”

Ouch. My mom basically just called me a whore. In a nice way, but still, I knew what she was getting at.

“Now can I go?”

“Why are you sleeping around? Please tell me you aren’t just using them.”

I pushed my eggs around on the plate.

“Zara.”

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Zara!”

“I want to be with Rosey! But she doesn’t want to be with me. I also love Blythe. And I can’t lose Casta as a friend. She ambushed me okay, told me she loved me and that if I didn’t love her that there was no point. I couldn’t lose her. Besides, I am lonely. The more the merrier.”

“Zara Scottsdale. Those girls have feelings you know. You can’t just go playing around with them. You may be enjoying it now but you will soon come to regret your actions.”

“I am lonely okay. Sad and hurting on the inside. It’s better than having a burst of anger for no reason. Sex is a way for me to remain in control of myself. It makes me feel good, makes me forget about all the pain. Don’t tell me to stop.”

“You sound like a drug addict.”

“So what you think I’m a sex addict? Gee thanks mom. You’re a real pal.” I huffed and got up.

“This isn’t healthy. Using sex to forget about your problems only makes things worse. You need to start dealing with your anger and depression or soon you really will be an addict if you aren’t one already. And yes a sex addict is a thing.” She followed after me.

“I’m not a sex addict! I can quit whenever I want to! Just let me be loved will you, it’s none of your business anyway!” I could feel my anger bubbling.

“Do you even hear yourself? Those are the words every addict says to themselves.”

“Leave me alone!”

“Zara I am just trying to make you see. The road you are going down isn’t a good one. The sex may be good now, but if you keep doing this soon you will feel nothing. Soon sex will be just that, sex. You’ll become numb to it. Sex isn’t about achieving orgasm, it is about expressing your love for someone. Please just think about it.”

I knew she was right, but I couldn’t hear her out. I wanted out of there. I needed out of that confrontation. I wasn’t ready to get help yet. I couldn’t see how right she was. Not then, but I see now. Because something happened.

I put my shoes on and stormed out of there, headed for the Hangout. When I got there, I thought I was alone. But I wasn’t, Riley was there. I found her sitting behind the bar with water in one hand and a book in the other. It was still hot in there. Not as hot as it was on the surface, but still hot because of the lack of air circulation.

“Hey.” She smiled when she looked up at me.

“Hey,” I slid down to sit beside her.

“Rough morning?”

“Something like that.”

“Where’s Casta?”

“Pawn shops I think.”

She went back to her book.

“What you reading?”

“This dumb book, it’s part of my summer reading list. I got it from a garage sale.”

“Oh.”

She sighed and closed the book.

“Want to talk about it?” she asked when she saw I wasn’t going anywhere any time soon.

I shrugged.

“Just tell me. Did you freak out and trash the house again? lu told me what happened.”

“No, my mom thinks I am a sex addict.”

She looked at me and then burst into laughter.

“It’s not funny, I am being serious.” I playfully pushed her.

“Oh yeah? How much sex would you say you have in a week?”

“Well this past week, four times.”

“Four times! Girl, there are only seven days in a week. That is more than half! A normal person is lucky to get laid once a month.”

“So you agree with her then, I’m an addict.”

“Depends, is it always with the same person?”

“No.”

“Hate to break it to you but sounds like an addict to me.”

I sighed and buried my head into my arms.

“Do you use sex to make yourself feel some type of high or something?” she asked.

“Yes.” I admitted.

“Holy Shit Z. you really are a sex addict. I’ve never met one before. Sure, drug addicts, and alcoholics, but I’ve never met a sex addict.”

“I’m not an addict!” I defended myself.

“So, you can just quit cold turkey then and be fine?”

“Yes.” I lied.

I knew it was a lie, I knew that I was too depressed and desperate to actually go through with it. I was weak, but I wanted to seem strong.

“Is there like standards then for who you sleep with?”

“Yes, I don’t just sleep with whoever.” I snapped.

“What’s your standards?”

“Uh…” I wanted to be clear, but I didn’t know if I had standards. Blythe, Casta, You, none of you had anything in common. What were my standards?

“Yikes, okay this is awkward. I think I’ll go home now.” She got up.

“Please, I just need someone to talk to,” I begged.

“Alright, but this is getting weird. Sex talk with you, not on my daily agenda.” She walked towards one of the tables. I followed her and we sat down.

“I’m not an addict.”

“Who you trying to convince? Me or you?”

“I just, I can’t explain it. Inside of me, there is this lonely desperation. I just want it to go away. Sex is the only way I know that makes me forget about it. Makes me feel good. That doesn’t make me an addict.”

“But it does mean you have a problem. Using sex to forget about your issues isn’t exactly healthy.”

“Well, what do you think I should do?” I asked honestly curious.

“How the hell should I know? I got my own issues to worry about.” She laid her head on the table.

“Like what?”

“My boyfriend is totally cheating on me. he lies and says he isn’t, but I know he is. I saw him with her, I’ve looked through his phone. What a jackass, he can’t even be a man about it. I am too much of a coward to approach him myself. So I am sort of stuck in the shitty situation.” She sighed.

“Well get back at him, he’s only cheating because he thinks he already has you. He knows you’re his and now he’s moved on to the next. Show him that he doesn’t have you, show him that he is the one missing out. Works every time.”

“And you know this how?

“I cheated on my girlfriend, then lost her, then got super jealous when she got with someone else, which caused me to cheat on the girl I cheated on her with just to try and get her back.”

“Yikes.”

“Which is how I know it will work, I have been the jackass so to say.”

“Okay, so say I do try and do this? Who would I even get to hook up with me? Guys aren’t exactly lining up at my door. Which is part of the issue.”

“Who says it has to be a guy?”

“I’ve never been with a girl before.” She pondered out loud.

“It’s fun,” I smirked.

“You would know.” She playfully nudged me.

“Hey, I’m just saying.” I giggled.

She looked at me, really looked at me, and I felt my face flush.

“Maybe there is a way I could try it out, see if I like it.” She moved closer to me.

“Maybe there is,” I said moving closer to her.

We stared into each other’s eyes. I kissed her, she kissed back. My heart did a summersault in me. It gave me a rush to be doing something so wild. I have never tainted a straight girl before. Instantly the desperation in me was forgotten and all I could think about was the rush I was getting from her.

I wasn’t in love with her, or even attracted to her for that matter, but it didn’t stop me from messing around with her.

Am I a sex addict?

One thing quickly led to another. I picked her up and slammed her down onto the table. Her hat fell off. Our tongues fought for power, my hands roamed her body. She moaned into my mouth. I quickly slipped her shirt over her head and removed her bra. She moaned and arched her back off the table when I sucked her breast into my mouth.

I undid my own shorts and let them fall to the floor before flinging my shirt off.

“God this is hot.” She ran her fingers through my hair as I trailed kisses down her stomach to her shorts.

She kicked her boots off and I slid her out of the remainder of her clothes. Then I went to town on her love muffin, eating her out. She moaned loudly and wiggled around on the table. I had to hold her hips in place.

“Oh fuck, you are good at that, uh!” she moaned.

I let one of my hands move to my own wet muffin and tease myself while I got her off. When she finally came, her whole body shook the table as she spasmed around. Holding my head in place. Then I climbed on top of her and started grinding into her, getting myself off.

She whimpered out in pleasure, her hands holding onto my breast. It didn’t take me long before I too moaned at the top of my lungs and collapsed on top of her. It was hot in there, once again I found myself dripping sweat.

Instantly after I came down from my high I felt awful. I felt sick and disgusted with myself. I felt numb. The void was back full force, and tears escaped from my eyes.

“What?” she asked looking at me.

“I think I’m a sex addict,” I whispered the admission.

“It’s okay, you can get help. I bet there are tons of online forums for people just like you.” She brushed the hair out of my face.

“You think so?” I asked, feeling vulnerable.

“Of course. Besides, you don’t ever have to go looking for strangers to satisfy your addiction. Just come to me, or Casta. We can help you.”

The walk back to my house felt like the walk of shame. I got Riley’s number, and we basically already set up a time and date to do it again. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be dependent on sex to fulfill me.

“Where did you go?” Mom asked when I walked in.

“To Riley’s,” I said.

She noticed how disheveled I looked and how sweaty I was. She frowned. I let a sob escape from my mouth and I ran into her arms. She sighed and embraced me.

“I’m a sex addict.” I cried.

“Shh. There, there. the first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have one.” She rubbed my head.

“What do I do? I don’t want to be a sex addict."

“I don’t know, but we will figure it out. I promise.” She kissed my forehead.

I held her tighter.

“Go take a shower, and drink some water.” She pushed me towards the restroom.

I sighed and took a shower.

When I got out Casta was back with stacks of cash.

“This is for the hangout.” She waved a large stack. “and this is for me.” she waved a smaller stack.

“Look at you, very rich,” I said in a fake posh accent.

“Why of course, only the wealthiest of us deserve praise.” She said back in the accent.

We both laughed.

“What's up with the shower?” she asked, indicating to my wet hair.

“I had sex with Riley,” I admitted.

She frowned.

“I have come to terms with the fact that I am a sex addict.” I went on.

“You’re a what?”

“A sex addict. I use sex to hide from my issues.”

“I see. And how did you discover this?”

“My mom basically called me a whore and told me so.”

She laughed.

“Hey, I’m serious! It’s a serious condition.” I pouted.

“Alright, alright, sorry. It’s just, come on, that was funny. I am pretty sure your mom only freaked out because she heard us going at it like wild beast.”

“Well, it’s true. I looked it up, I have like almost all the symptoms. I am a sex addict.”

“Well, then I guess that makes me like your drug handler. I am the supplier, you are the addict. Not good.” She shook her head.

“Will you take this seriously. I am trying to be serious.”

“Okay, okay, look if you really think that way then we can work on it. See what our options are. If all else fails I can just strap you to a bed and leave you there until you calm down.” She shrugged.

“You’re the worst.” I playfully smacked her shoulder and giggled.

“Just thinking of my options here.” She walked to the room.

“So you’re not totally grossed and freaked out by it? It’s okay?” I asked.

“Zara, it’s not okay, but we can work through this. I’m not going anywhere, promise.” She said seriously, grabbing my hands.

I smiled at her and nodded.

“Come here, you cute little cinnamon roll.” She embraced me.

“Thank you,” I said into her shoulder.

“Just one question,”

“What?”

“Since when the hell did Riley become a lesbian?”

“She’s not, her boyfriend is cheating on her, so I said fight fire with fire. Which led to her saying no guys are interested, then I said something like who said it had to be a guy. Then next thing I know we are having sex on the table. She really liked it, said she wants to do it again. I think I turned her to the dark side.”

“Well you are really good at it, anyone would be corrupt after you.” She sighed.

“Are you mad?”

“No, just, jealous I guess.”

“Sorry.”

She kissed me on the forehead.

I now know the main issue I have to work towards fixing. It felt good to finally have a label for it, even if the label wasn’t exactly correct. But I finally know what it is that is wrong with me. I understand what I am doing is wrong. But I also feel I have a very long way to go before I am ready for anything serious. Just thinking of the fight ahead makes me tired.