THE MESSAGE

~ a Casey Jewlz story ~

“I used to know a guy, well, to be frank ‘e used to hang around us, wherever we went for a pint. Me friend and me wuz always talkin’ about opening a pub and how cool that would be and that we could always have a place to hang and get a couple of brews in our bellys and maybe make a few bucks in the works. You knows, biwinning type of situation. And before we knew it the guy actually did it. You understand, this guy wuz simple as beer...”

“Actually Mr. Jewlz..am I pronouncing it correctly? Jewlz?” the man in the suit asked

“Yeah, baby! Like 20 karat diamonds ‘n’ shit! Had it legally changed, i did.”

“As I was saying Mr. Jewlz, beer is quite a complex thing. The chemical changes that happen during the fermentation...”

“Do youz want to hear the story or not?”

“I apologize Mr. Jewlz, please continue.”

“Alright, as i wuz telling youz, this guy wuz boring plain, no imagination whatsoever. So ‘e opens a pub and calls it Pub’s Pub and ‘e’s doing alright for ‘imself. There was no joy in ‘is work though, no spark. ‘E ran it with a clear head and was very ummmm… practical ‘n’ stuff about it. So this bloke makes some money, right? And ‘e buys a new Beamer, new make right of the assembly line and what do youz think ‘e puts on the plates? BMW!” Casey Jewlz yelled and started roaring with laughter.

“Does this story lead anywhere Mr. Jewlz?” the man in the suit asked with a sour expression on his face.

“Hell yeah it leads somwheres. Hey, listen, yous wouldn’t happen to have some beers around the place.”

“I’ll ask my assistant to bring some if we have, now please go on.”

“Alright, so back to the story. One night me and me mate wuz at this guys pub, you know, having a beer, scanning the place for some good times, the works. This guys wuz at a table crunching the numbers, makin’ reports on sales and such. I tellz youz, if i didn’t have 20% friend discount i would never step foot in ‘is pub. So there i wuz, having a good time when one of these things appears out of nowhere. And it wuz an ugly bugger, fangs and claws and bloody spikes everywhere. The next thing i know this guy and some others stand up from theyz tables, start screaming theyz lungs out and drop down dead. So i take me beer bottle, smash it on the counter edge and jump at it. And i start swinging like crazy, left and right and up and down, until i’m left with this little piece of meat all slashed up in front of my feet. And that wuz me first kill. You never forget your first one.” Casey Jewlz relaxed on the back of his chair, folding both hands on his chest in a satisfied manner.

The two men in suits were watching Casey Jewlz from across the table without any sign of amusement. They’re faces seemed to be chiseled in stone.

“So, youz reckon this is good enough for a book deal, innit” Casey asked opening his arms broadly.

“Mr. Jewlz, there are a plethora of books out there on the topic of fabrications as you might know. We already know they have a hive mentality and the little drones project images inside the human mind and are able to tap into the human brain pain receptacles and overload them till the person is dead. There are medical books on them, history books covering the entire occupation period, fantasy books, you name it.” said the young man sitting across the table from Casey who had done all the talking.

“What we would like to know is more about that message.” the man in the leather armchair asked, speaking for the first time. He was older than the man sitting at the table and sporting a bald head. The only things they had in common was the taciturn behaviour and the black suits.

“I dunno mate.” Casey replied.

“Then why did it say ‘Casey Jewlz, you asshole!’?” the bald man asked with emphasis on the word ‘asshole’.

“What my colleague is trying to say is that we are curious why, right before all these fabrications started dying out by themselves, was this message blasted out to all the people on Earth?”

Casey knew what the men were talking, he’d felt it too. A rush of colors and lights and then those words ‘Casey Jewlz, you asshole!’ and then darkness. The entire population of the world had experienced it and had fallen asleep for exactly four hours afterwards. Every man, woman and child waking up at the exact same moment, confused and probably asking themselves what that was. The following days reports came pouring in from everywhere: fabrications were dead or dying. People found them lying on the street, full of sores and convulsing. The specialists had stated that they were dying due to a degenerative physical and neurological disease they had never seen before, but in some ways similar to human syphilis.

“Oh, youz want that story. Well, in that case you better get them beers in ‘ere and bucket of chicken.” Casey said. “And, mate, make it a big bucket. Don’t be stingy.”

Four beers and 15 hot wings later Casey belched so hard pieces of chicken came out of his mouth and fell on the table in front of him.

“From the asshole, out through the throat!” Casey said and burst into a loud, irregular laughter.

“Mr. Jewlz, please tell us about the message.”

“Message. Fuck me blind if I knows anything about that message. But i will tell yous a story.”

“Mr. Jewlz we are not interested in random stories. We only want to know about your connection to this affair.”

“Oi, hold on to youz knickers. I know youz guys ain't no publication people. I may be simple, but i ain’t stupid. The way i figure it, youz guys are spooks. If so, youz gonna want to hear what i ‘ave to say.”

The silence in the room was palpable and the two men in suits were staring right through Casey.

“So...” Casey started, lighting up a cigarette “...it all started about three years ago. See, me and me mate wuz in Tokyo taking care of some...ummm...some affairs. You see, we wuz hunting down some proper, honest to god, geisha pussy!” Casey yelled and started laughing by himself.

“Alright, alright. I see youz guys are no impressed with that. Youz one of those sodomites? Youz guys fairies?”

“No, Mr. Jewlz.” the answer came in a calm tone.

“So, anyways. One night we wuz in the pub and me mate ‘ad a pinch too much sake. Honestly, we’d both ‘ad a bit too much. There wuz this birdy there, carrying trays of free sakes and we’d always go for one. So, long story short, me mate made a play at her, her boyfriend was this real ninja type moterfucker, we got in a brawl and that’s the last i remember.” Casey said and punctuated with a belch.

“Fascinating, Mr. Jewlz. Now, we will be leaving.”

“Oi, don’t be like that. Sit down, grab a few pints and listen.” Casey shouted, banging his fists on the table.

“So, anyways, the next thing i knowz is waking up on this hospital bed. I thought it wuz the shite sake i had the other night, but here comes this worm looking, pre-pubescent prick and tellz me me mate is ded and i’m in this research facility lab. So, imagine my surprise when i look around and see this old lady making some broth on a stove next to my bed. I was in that guyz house, for fucks sake. So naturally we proceed to converse like the gentlemen that we iz. I kick ‘im in the bollocks and ‘e tells me ‘e’d done brain surgery on me. Like right there next to his nana. So, naturally, i punch him in the guts and ‘e tells me ‘e’d used a bit of fabrication brain to patch up what Mr. Myagy had bashed in during our little soiree at the pub.”

“You’re saying some japanese guy grafted a piece of fabrication brain to your own? Well, we’ve always suspected they did research, we knew they had captured live specimens, but never imagined they’d go this far.”

“Riiight. So there i wuz with this piece of alien brain in me head so i said my fond farewells to the guy and ‘is nana and went on my way. Then the war started and we all know how that went. So i did what any other good citizen would do for love of country, i enrolled.”

“Love of country and the 500 quid you received per confirmed kill.”

“Mate, why youz want to disrespect me. That wuz a bonus. Can’t go hunting on an empty stomach, can youz?”

“As i recall you did quite well for you and your stomach. Highest confirmed kill count. Not bad for a street brawler. ”

“Yeah, well, you see i seemed to have the knack of seeing through theyz illusions. I saw the buggers as clear as i see you.”

“So that piece of fabrication brain gave you a tactical advantage.”

“I don’t know about all that tactical stuff, but I did killz them proper. So, there i wuz on my world tour, making a killing..” Casey stopped and laughed, snorting “..and i found meself in a little village near Dublin. It wuz ‘bout three weeks ago i reckon and we wuz hunting them down like crazy. Dunno how much action youz saw, but these sods wuz getting meaner. Lot o’ fuckboys went and got themselves killed in action. So, there i wuz, in that little shitehole village and one night i gotz this urge to move and i knew exactly where to go. You knowz, it’s like when youz got youz first stiffy and you know exactly wherez to put it. It wuz like i ‘ad Waze in me brain. I dunno where i went, or how long i walked but i knowz i gots there. And there she wuz.”

“Who?”

“Theyz queen, mate, the mother bee! Wuzn’t you listing? And she starts showing me all these images, and we starts swimming together. But we wuzn’t swiming in the sea, we wuz swimming in space.”

“Space?”

“Yeah, like the cosmos ‘n’ shit. We wuz swimming and there she wuz, this birdy, this mermaid, this little doe, it’s like she changed shape. And i wuz following her. And she shows me this planet, right? I think it wuz her home or something. And then the planet explodes, like blown to shite ‘n’ all. And then he shows me this little rock carrying her through space and she’s, like, crying ‘n’ stuff. And then the rock splashes somewhere in the middle of the ocean. And i keep thinking it wuz Earth. And she keeps swimming in front of me right and i could feel this pain coming from her, like this vulnerability. And yous know i’m a gentleman so i catch up with her and give her a whiff o’ the old frank and beans.”

“Excuse me?”

“I fucked ‘er, mate. And then I left.”

“Oh!”