I could only ponder on the incandescent gleam of the galaxy’s fragments. There was never a more perfect moment in the history of the universe, well none that I knew of. Yet, her image was an ember, burnt, yet fading. Her smile engraved into my mind perpetually. I lay awake that night and stared into infinity. All life had left my shell, I felt numb, loneliness slipped over me. Somehow every second I saw that ember it hurt because it wasn’t mine to keep. “...next time”, Her voice echoed the phrase with a sense of nostalgia that I never could have fathomed. I wondered, was this what the kids these days call ‘catching feels’. Isn’t it strange that I, a sixteen-year-old, doesn’t refer to himself as a kid. At least I don’t call myself one of those ‘I was born in the wrong generation’ kids. Normal people would say they felt butterflies, I felt more of a storm. I had gotten to the point where I indulged in the darkness of the coming Monday. Because the slight possibility that I'll see her lustre, made it all worth it. Even if the only place I could see her was in prison; also known as school.
But I had to get my way through the weekend. A culmination of forty eight hours in which I had no hope of seeing Alaska. Woah…. suddenly I was taken aback by the utter of her name. The sensation travelled to my core. I've run out of anime, what should I do with my life now? I could find Alaska on social media and message her or at least investigate her. I shouldn’t message her yet it’s kinda too soon.(Pffft I’m so not a stalker. Dear reader, please stop judging me. You know you do the exact same thing and we all just pray that we don’t like that one fifty-four-week-old photo.) In moments I found her, Alaska May. She had thousands of followers. Each photo was a work of art, each caption was goals and every status update was funnier than the last. She was truly the person I dreamed her to be. The person I dreamed to be. She fitted in, yet was unique, held together by will power rather than medication. I lost my train of thought from infatuation to my condition, why does my mind always wander to such depressing thoughts? Anyways, back to Alaska. That sentence fills me with an unfamiliar sense of pride. Not only because it’s an amazing play on words. Rather because it's the first time in my life I felt wanted. For once I wasn’t drowning within my own mind, funny to think one person could do this…
Speaking of medication, I should take mine. ( My medication takes about 72 hours to take full effect so it should be in full effect on Monday.)
"Wait...does she know I have schizophrenia?"
"What if she doesn’t know?"
"Should I tell her?"
"But what if she finds out when it’s too late? Then she’ll definitely leave."
"I mean how could she trust a liar..."
"You know what the real question is?"
"How did I invest myself in a total stranger?"
I romanticised the idea of her and thought of our future. What infatuation does to the mind is somehow more significant than any drug could wish to. Well, all I can do is ‘stalk’ her and hope that she reciprocates these emotions. But let’s not start our relationship on social media. Let me get to know her first. She can’t know I like her. That would put her at an advantage. After all, dating is the mental hunger games.
Slowly and agonizingly, the weekend passed by filling me more with a sense of deprivation of her stars’ glow.
You could tell it was a Monday, every being was lifeless. Usually I would've followed but I felt a sense of ecstasy. Because she was my new addiction, a new chimera to chase, maybe she was a phantasm, maybe she wasn’t? The ghost juxtaposed with reality… Gothic words, a gothic concept and yet not a gothic reality. I did not feel as these poets, writers and artists did at all. I felt no fear of nature, fore I was it’s product, a being of the earth. Seeking the chimera that dwelled hidden within the forests… but my chimera, was in the cosmos.
And so I trudged forward through the school’s main quad, to my locker found in B-wing. As I looked around. Instead of the fear and anxiety, I felt in crowded areas such as this, I noticed that I was completely alone. I was a lone wolf among the social packs. In truth, I am the peculiar one because Homo Sapiens are social creatures. But this isn’t a new thing. I’ve always been alone. I have always been the ‘weird’ kid, instinctively no one would risk their social ranking for my sake. But on reflection, even when looking up Alaska on many forms of social media. I had little to no followers or friends while she was always in the thousands. (It actually doesn’t bother me...The real question is where am I going with this really long explanation? In all honesty, I forgot so let’s just say it’s to make the book slightly longer… I honestly can’t remember why?)
“Anyways, I have noticed everywhere that there are groups and then somewhere among them there’s the speck (me). I am honestly sick of this.”
“Then it is official. No longer will I be alone. I have a new side quest along with the main quest of somehow tricking Alaska into dating me. My new side quest is to somehow make friends.”
“We can do that? It’s not too late to make friends right?”
“Let’s start with online friends and bring that friendship into the real world?”
“We should make friends with someone at my school, so that meeting them is easier?”
“Yeah. We should probably do that.”
“Ugh, this is going to be one heck of a side quest. I deserve a trophy for this like in any other game.”
“Huh… a game? When you’re schizophrenic, you can’t tell fiction from reality so life might as well be a crappy dating sim.”
(Dear reader, don’t be alarmed. That was simply my thought process. If you’re wondering why there seemed to be more than one person talking, there was. Well, I guess you could call them different versions of me. Representations of the many voices with many different opinions. This is a symptom of my schizophrenia, at least that’s what the internet and every doctor I have ever seen said. Anyways back to real time, and yes that whole conversation took a mere instant in the real world. It’s almost if I was frozen in time because to me in my mind the entirety of that conversation took at least ten minutes. I feel like time is longer for me, like I get stuck in it sometimes…. It would explain why my mental age doesn’t match my physical one. All the time missed in the real world adds up to the extra three or four years of maturity that my mental age has.)
Finally getting to my locker, I picked out my books for the next two periods to come, Bio(logy) and Maths. As I put my phone off, I got a reminder to get more medication because about this time of the month, I run out. I often have to remind myself to get it but meh. My mom will get it for me...then again I am almost out of medication. Anyways, I love Bio class because I have unknowingly moved myself next to Alaska at the back of the class. (Turns out she is in my Bio class, pretty convenient right?) I usually seat myself at the back of the class. It helps lessen the impact of the bullying and isolation of being the ‘weird, mentally unstable kid’.
And so the bell rang, sending the hordes of students into their many tutor classes. We're seated here to check attendance. I would often fake going through some kind of schizophrenic episode to get out of it. Because I can’t handle the way school makes me feel. Firstly, I feel as if I’m just another student and that makes me feel self conscious of my own existence. Other times I just can’t handle the isolation. While you can say being at home is isolating myself but in that case I chose to be isolated. At school though, everyone else chooses for me instead. Whether it’s done consciously or not they reject me.
The bell rang and again and off we went to class. Cattle herded to their various corrals. Each turn dispensed the groups we travelled in as we all went our separate routes. Sure I would walk near people I knew but I could never say I was walking with them. *sigh* Just another form of rejection.
And in a minute or so I found myself in my bio class. And I made my way nervously to my desk. Looking down the entire walk like the socially awkward mess I was. When I looked up finally upon arrival I saw no one was there. Alaska hadn’t shown up. And I thought to myself, “Maybe she was just late?”. But she didn’t show up for the entire lesson. Thus, I couldn’t even hope to nonchalantly stare at her in admiration from my desk.
“Wow...These things always seem a lot less creepy in my head but on paper... I'm concerned about myself. I have schizophrenia but this socially-awkward thing seems like an even bigger problem.”
Many different versions of me exclaim, “Definitely…”
And so I wandered through the day. Then continuing to do so for the next four days, and everyday, Alaska wasn’t there…
I went on to suffer through another weekend. Two more days of lonely agony.
“I wonder if she’s okay?”
“She’s probably is okay, don’t worry so much.”
“Yeah, you’re right…”
“Well, It’s almost 12AM, I should get to sleep.”
It’s Monday, week B, meaning the first two periods are Bio and English the two subjects, I get to see her in. The morning passes by gratifyingly because with each second that passes, I might get to see her. The morning class roll call ends and I was practically sprinting, brimming with joy to class. In all honesty, I was speed walking but that’s not the point.) When I got to the class, out of character, I held my head high and saw her. My somehow eventually to be girlfriend and the joint desks we shared in the very back of the classroom. She looked my way and smiled at me as our eyes met… well I hope she was smiling at me. Instinctively, my head fell in embarrassment. She did the same thing when she realised what had happened.
“Hi, Alaska….”
“Hi..Uhm I would add your name but sadly you haven’t told me yours.”
“Oh, yeah, right...My name is Oliver. Oliver Pines.”
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