Haircut
Apr 15, 2019
I finally did something I'd been meaning to do for years: I cut my hair short. I've always felt like my hair is a big part of my identity. I had waist length hair until 8th grade. I didn't particularly like it, it was annoying more than anything. I kept it because it was a pretty thing and an identifying factor. I felt like most of my worth was in my hair. In 8th grade, I hit a low point. I didn't think I was worth anything. 8th grade was also when I really realized I'm a dude. That was when I cut my hair shoulder length, effectively freeing myself. I wanted the rest cut off almost immediately but I put it off. I didn't want to out myself. I spent the next two years in denial of my gender. I didn't feel like a girl at any point, but I tried to cling to being non-binary, same as I did in 6th and 7th grade, thinking that maybe if I didn't need to transition across the whole binary spectrum it would be easier to live as I was. Last fall I finally came out to myself, I guess you could say. I accepted it and began trying to figure out what to do with myself. I hesitated to cut my hair because I liked hiding behind it. It masked my feminine face shape and guarded me from the world. When I cut off my hair at last, it felt so strange. I didn't feel like I was looking at myself in the mirror. But I'm getting used to it. I think I might be coming closer to liking my reflection for the first time.
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