I’m not miserable? This was the first time that I could remember, that I wasn't. The everyday feeling of melancholy was finally gone. It’s 6AM at this point and it’s freezing outside. Luckily, I can only see the cold as I gaze ‘alone’ at the rain from the protection of my glass sliding door. I can’t seem to sleep anymore. Ever since last night, I’ve been drowning in a bewildering state of euphoria.
“Guys?”
My hollow words rang throughout the barren labyrinth of my mind. But for once, I was kinda okay with being alone. For once, I wanted this silence even though I often described it as deafening. It’s truly strange. I, the introvert, now yearn for the thing I used to run from. It makes me question if my personality is nothing but a façade. Am I me, or am I a shell built to protect my true self from harm? Am I both? The fractured self… A true, postmodernist conundrum but that doesn’t matter. What matters is Alaska.
Terra felt even closer to the cosmos after being pulled closer by the chimera.
Why her? Why must I fall for her?
If I fall for her, I could lose her…
Then again if you wake up at 6am on a Saturday because she’s all you can dream and think about... It’s too late to ask why you fell for her.Ugh. I let out a long sigh as I looked out at the grey, rainy sky. And almost as if just out of convenience for the narrative the rain stopped. The beautiful grey skies left behind as my sigh ended. (Whoever is writing this honestly sucks like could he be more cliche?) Well since I can’t think straight, I might as well walk around the neighbourhood and try to take my mind off her.
And so I got dressed in the bare necessities. Sweatpants, a hoodie, a dad hat, my phone and headphones because what are grey skies without music that makes you feel like emo trash. I walked for ages and felt as if the area were dead, frozen in time. But maybe it was just early. Everything in this neighbourhood has been the same since it sprung up in 1972. The neighbourhood somehow had always looked new though. The municipality was always hard at work but only in this neighbourhood. And with the residents especially, one could swear time never passes here.
As I made my way to the nearest park. Its known around town as the best place to do drugs. Its situated near a church ironically. I thought about the time the primary school I went to, that Alaska apparently went to as well, came to this park. (I’m surprised that we went to the same primary school for 7 years but I never knew of her). Ahh to be young. Oh, how I don’t miss it. But it would have been nice to have come here with her... Well there goes the idea to get my mind off her. But it’s weird. It feels a lot better to think about her. As if a restraint is gone. I really must be falling for her, I’m starting to like thinking about her. Normally I just like thinking about buying stuff, like the materialistic monster I am. I wonder if she knew me from primary school, like she knew of me but just didn’t wanna say anything? Oh well, I guess.
From the park I went on to go to the local shopping centre, still closed, typical early morning stuff. Out of all these years that I lived here, statistically we were in this place at the same time at least once. It really would have been nice to know her earlier on. Or would it have been? Would the old versions of us have been attracted to each other? Oh my word. I talk about her as if whatever I feel is mutual… I can’t fall for that trap. It’s gonna make taking the rejection harder. At least I finally subconsciously have kinda sorta given in and ‘said’ I am attracted to her. But I have to be certain though. I can’t risk my friendship with her because she’s honestly is all I have.
I began the short journey home. The ‘date’, her smile, her words, they all replayed thousands of times in my mind. With some of the most cliche songs ever playing like Gum by Mooseblood. (Which so isn’t my ringtone for her pffft what, stop assuming stuff my dear reader…). And I couldn’t help but smile and brim of ecstasy. Something I had never felt before. If drugs felt like anything, it definitely felt like this. (After doing drugs, I approve of this problematic metaphor). She gave me a new sense of being alive. She was giving me the kind of feelings one would write a novel or maybe a light novel about. This honestly wasn’t a bittersweet experience. Unlike the description my thoughts painted, because while I experienced all this, I was grinning like a cheshire cat and singing along, completely out of key, to all the love songs I had available on my phone. I somehow didn’t wake up the entire neighbourhood but I hope to never do that again. As I opened the garage door of my house I realised that the walk had been beneficial after all. Because I finally knew I could say, I like Alaska May.
And when I passed through the threshold of my bedroom. I passed a magical divider where, I magically seemed to forget about her for the day. I treated it as a normal Saturday. I went on to lie in bed and watch anime and eat lunch and have popcorn that night to go with whatever I decided to watch. I just continued to pretend. And time has this weird habit. There comes the realization of the world and a reflection of one’s life that can only happen between 1AM and 3AM. It’s at that point in time, that the divider melts. The past, future, all that I felt, my decisions and every thought I have had or will have, seemed to drown me.
The journey I took this morning and all the emotions I felt every step of the way charged at me and engulfed me. And just as suddenly the pretending ended. The act of pretending it was okay, pretending it was a normal day and pretending not being with her was okay. Ended….
All I could do there as the waves washed over me. Slowly sinking into the reality of my situation. I was submerged contemplating my choices in a numbed state.
That night all I could to do was to lie awake and talk about her. But tonight was different. I didn’t have the ‘me’s’ to talk to. I was alone. This was the most personal experience I’ve had in a long time. The loneliness was ever more prominent because in missing her, a part of me was gone. The part of me that keep me strong as the ‘cool lone wolf’ and solitary ‘emo kid’. The façade that keep up my fragile identity, had built crumbled before the idea of liking her. To say that losing the safety blanket of my identity was negative would be incorrect. Now, years later, it helped me to take the steps to becoming the person I could be. But in the present of this story, it only added to the torture and pain of being separated from Alaska.
The hollowness was tenfold worse than anything I had felt before. This pain was the reason the me's and I would abstain from other people. But this pain was different. It was a soul-crushing pain much like the kind I experienced when I felt alone...but this, was inescapable. For once I couldn’t run from my emotions by watching anime or reading or going for a walk. I was a prisoner of my own thoughts. For once I had to face my feelings, because for once what I was running from wasn’t a physical entity or truth. Now, I had to run away from everything. (Because unknown to my idiotic teenage brain that’s what she was.)
Later that night as I finally gave in to my melancholy, it suddenly surged in a surplus amount. My heart convulsed invertedly almost as if it were trying to collapse upon itself and pull me into its own black hole of nothingness. The inverted convulsions echoed throughout my body and continued to draw nearer and nearer towards my throat. It peaked in a choking feeling which made my trachea feel as if it was shrinking into the abyss. My entire body was slowly gave into it.
All this because I knew I couldn’t have her and I could do nothing about it. The sadness let me drift into a dead slumber.
The next day was another grey and ‘miserable’ rainy day. But rainy days are the best. Only then can we all lie in bed and be comfortable and cry next to a window like we’re in some clichѐ sad music video. (This so isn’t how I spent most of my Sundays…). In the afternoon my parents decided during the few minutes when the rain stopped that we should go for drive because they claim that spending time together is important or something typical and clichѐ. Looking back, I honestly appreciate it. Those little moments with my parents are things i won’t forget. In those moments, I can forget her. At least for a moment.
But nevertheless we got in the car and drove towards the city. The suburbs would wither away as city's presence and aesthetic would fade in with the rain. From there we continued along the main road and slowly watched as the city died out. Nature’s presence grew as civilisation’s influence seemed to die. This beautiful montage that was my change in scenery melded well with my sound of the day. “I hope you’re miserable” by some band that I don’t wanna mention for potential copyright reasons…. But anyways we just ended up on a spontaneous ‘road trip’ past the city’s mountains and ended up stopping by the coast. We just parked and appreciated the coast in it’s sullen state. I allowed the waves to drag my troubles out to sea. Providing some relief from this existential nightmare. And we all just sat there enjoying the melodies of the rain and sea from the safety of the car.
I was at a loss for words. The me’s have been gone for days. But alas their advice wouldn’t be something I haven’t pondered on within these last few days. I need guidance…. At that moment two me’s appeared out of doors which appeared from thin air in the main hall of my mind’s labyrinth.
“Vanessa!”
“Ophelia!”
They exclaimed in unison.
“Ah, my two new ‘friends’. Well, at least I hope they’re my friends?”
Well I should message Van first cause she and I are closer. But I wanna get closer to Ophelia so why not message them both at the same time ….
And so I spoke to them juggling two conversations with two similar yet different people. The one being a classicist. Steadfast in practicality and consideration of others, the future and greater good. The other the image of romanticism. Brash, passionate acting on feeling with a hint of selfishness. Romanticism was the kind of advice we all wished we followed through on.
Ophelia was a classicist and Vanessa the romantic both gave their views but neither seemed right. Ophelia suggested to just stay friends and avoid the risk at least. Alaska seemed to mean so much to me. She wasn’t worth losing. Vanessa said either ask her out or leave it. Don’t think, act. I shouldn’t waste time on someone who thought of us as just friends.
Nothing seemed right. I felt as out of balance with the world as William Wordsworth. And just when I got home and thought I could restart the process of lying alone in my room and falling into an empty sleep. I was reminded how I had to go to my cousin Robyn’s 21st tonight. The theme was The Great Gatsby, a great story about chasing a girl out of your league, like I needed another reminder. But at least dressing up would distract me long enough so that I would forget her. I could wear a facade and be even less of myself. It was held on a farm in the countryside. It was a typical 21st filled with speeches, congratulations, reflection and obviously some ‘old’ pop music. Old as in, people my age stopped listening to it weeks ago. The dj managed to play some decent songs, some that I might have even possibly liked. But tonight the bass resonated a hollowness that in my chest. The lyrics even struck different cords. Today was one of those days when the hope of drugs and sex filled debauchery meant nothing and filled me with dread. My ribs suddenly changed into a cage that held a bird never meant to be tamed. Crying and thrashing for freedom, for her.
I honestly ran out of the hall as soon as the path was clear. I went to the car to ‘look’ for something. I lay there on the hood of the car praying my mom didn’t see me, ‘disrespecting’ her property, but I didn’t care. I was a trainwreck...no, last year I was a trainwreck now I’m just a mess. At that moment when I calmed down and truly realised how insignificant myself and my problems were. The fact is that Alaska was still viable, there was a chance. I don’t know if it was the rain, advice or bass but I knew I would do everything in my power to be the moon to the incandescent heavens. It may be cliche but this is the beginning of sunsets and silhouette dreams. This moment has taken fate away from the stars and placed it in my hands.
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