I don't know if my new approach is working I don't know if trying to reason with her and using logic is helping but I'm going to keep trying because I refuse to let her make me suffer forever

my dad had a doctor's appointment with a heart specialist and I was with him because I've always been there with him through everything and his health is very important to me for the doctor to tell us that the rhythm of his heart is making his heart weaker it scared me and in that moment I let my anxiety kick in and I let the one in my mind take over again but I can't let her do that because right now I need to be there for him so I shut her out till I have time to myself to calm the storm that is the one in my mind

(the one in my mind) what are you going to do now how are you going to get through this you're right back where you started what if he has to have more stents put in or what if he has to have that defibrillator put in you know he's in pain but he's not going to show you you know he's afraid but he's not going to show you so what are you going to do

(me) I'm going to be there for him I'm not going to listen to you no matter how much you try and hurt me and this isn't a step back this is different all I can do is be there for him through this and if he doesn't want to open up to me that's okay I know he's just trying to look strong because he's my father

(the one in my mind) what if you lose him do you think you can bear that do you honestly think that want break you

(me) don't go there I refuse to let you make think that way I trust the doctors and I know that I will lose him one day because nobody lives forever and when that day comes I'll face it no matter what but it's not anytime soon so don't make me think that

(the one in my mind) how do you know that this world is unpredictable and it fucks you the most when you don't expect it

(me) I know that I know this world is unpredictable and I know it has a way of fucking you but for once I'm just trying to have hope that this world isn't always trying to screw me over so why why can't you just stop being so negative no matter what I know I just need to be there for him and that's all I can do