My anxiety came back. "Was I wrong again? All this time?" My faintings got worse—well, those bewilderments that now felt like I wanted to leave my body behind all the time. Sometimes I was so fucking worried about what was I going to do just to find myself fidgeting with a coin, staring at it, and watching it vibrate when trying to balance it; waking up in front of my computer. In front of those e-mails.

One day I went for a walk at eight in the morning. I felt my brain tickling. I needed to relax. I felt existentially crooked again. "What if I kill myself?" Bewilderments over and over again when I thought about actually doing it, always with that melody at the back of my head, which made me have quick spams.

"What if I do it? It's not cowardice, I'm immortal. Maybe I'm going to wake up away from the IRS, from the paedophiles, and from those fucking idiots who lost my documents. I can start again. I don't think I'm being selfish. I saw it. I was promised a lot of things, and I even fought for them. What's supposed to happen now?"

By ten o'clock in the morning, when the sky got all cloudy and purple, I went into a museum and fell asleep in one dark room where they were screening an old Mexican movie called The Young and the Damned. The gunshot sound during the final scene woke me up. On the screen, there was a boy, dying. He was lying on the ground with a bullet hole on his forehead, and I could hear his voice in off while he was dying—"I'm alone. Alone."

"As always, my son. As always. Sleep. Sleep, my son. Sleep," whispered the voice of a woman.

I felt nervous and went outside to see the heavy rainfall.

"But I've never killed myself. No, not like this." More dizziness. “What if my friends were right and I'm not actually dying all the time? And what if the theory was right? Am I selfish enough to leave behind my family and friends in this life? I need a clue."

"What do I have to do?" I whispered looking at the sky.

"You can either run away from your problems, or you can face them," I heard my dad inside my head.

"Or you should think about getting a companion pet if you think your anxiety is not getting better," I heard my cute redhead shrink from years ago.

"What? Why the fuck did I..."

"Meow," I got interrupted by a stray kitten rubbing itself against my leg, all wet and cold. Its fur was white, patched in both orange and black spots.

"Is... this... part of a... plan or something?" I asked, looking at the sky, and it replied with thunder. It was so loud that made the kitten cry, and it covered itself inside my jeans' left bottom hem. I picked it up, I bought an umbrella from the souvenir store inside the museum and started to walk home with the feline inside my jacket.

"Maybe it ran away, just like I'm trying to run away from my problems. It's totally scared. I hope it doesn't die of cold. I should buy cat food, and litter. But what am I going to do with it? I'm not even allowed to have pets. If my landlady sees you, that bitch is going to throw you back to the street. But maybe she doesn't need to find out."

But she found out. She saw me holding it against my chest and carrying cat food and litter, with the help of the plastic litter box I bought on the way. I said that it was going to sleep outside, that I was just going to take care of it during that night and then I was going to look for someone else to adopt it.

I improvised one shelter with card boxes and blankets outside my door, but that night the rain decided to fall heavier than ever, so I expanded everything, and I stayed in there with Amon the whole night, feeding it, and holding it close to me to keep it warm. We slept hugging.

“Fuck, I shouldn’t name it. The universe is a bitch. It knew I was emotionally unstable. I’m getting attached to this cat way too fast. The motherfucker kept biting and scratching the whole way here. But that sweet purr when I gave it the food. This is probably a test. I don’t know if I can keep it, though. Fuck. I’m going to find a home for you, Amon. Don’t worry.”

Next day I made a fort for Amon so he wouldn't escape, and I left my flat early in the morning without having breakfast. I went to my former university and asked everyone if they were interested in a cat. I kept walking past the afternoon, asking in many other places. After some hours, when everyone said no, I smiled, and went back home—starving, but feeling... truly happy.

"Fuck her! I'm about to move so why does she care if I have a cat or not? I earned it! And I want it! The universe is trying to give me clues about my life to come, and that cat is related to that, I can feel it. Fuck it, even the cat earned me! Amon was lonely and cold, and it found me. We were meant to be together, and we are going to get out of this mess together."

"Amon, I'm back! Where are you?"

"Good afternoon, young man! Are you looking for that animal? My sister took it with her, she said her daughter wanted a kitten as a present for her graduation. You said you were looking for someone else to adopt it, right? You're welcome."

...

I cried during the rest of the day, and by midnight I bought LSD using bitcoins.

***

This is a message from ffsd79g6fs5g7fs8.

I need more more storage. I can pay half the total one month and other half next month. Want this or want other arrangement? It is emergency.

[Typing…]

>_ Hi, ffsd79g6fs5g7fs8.

>_ Sure.

>_ I just need a gun.

***

"Hello, dad? I... I... I'm calling because I don't know what to do... I... I haven't slept in six days... I haven't eaten either. I feel like I'm dying. My anxiety, my depression—I don't know what it is, but everything feels awful. Worse than ever. I think I'm going to die."

"Oh, son... Well, you know you only have two options, right? You can either run away from your problems... or you can face them. I love you, son. Don't worry... Hey! Things happen for a reason, remember that..."

Both my gun and drugs arrived the same week.

Sorry, dad. Paul. Friends. Amon.

Fuck you, universe.

I...

used to think...

that we were...

forever... ever... ever.

And I... used to say...

never... say... never.

But... we-eeh...

are never... ever... ever...

getting back... together...

Like... ever.

BANG!