“We’ll have a sleepover at Mattie’s house,” she says. 

And right on cue, Charlie and Theo cheer.

You watch fondly as Matt’s mom arranges the pillows around the sofa, it reminds you of your own mom, when you used to have sleepovers with your cousins.

(Did you? It seemed like something you would have, you can't think straight, can't remember). 

You miss her so much, you really hope she’s okay.

Matt’s apartment is tiny, of course they’ll have to make some space in the livingroom.

On an impulse you can’t begin to understand, you kneel next to her, watching her closely.

She can hear the kids playing in the kitchen, and for a moment you see her stop, her hands trembling. You lift your hand up, wishing you could caress her cheek.

She’s clearly trying to smile, but tears start forming on her eyes and then they start rolling down her cheeks and you…

You should have avoided this. 

You should have helped more. 

You know Matt's attempt isn't anyone's fault, but it feels like it is.

Yours. 

Matt's mom wouldn't be crying, Matt would be okay, if you weren't here. 

“I’m sorry,” you whisper. 

You can't help but think of your mom. 

She must have cried like this, she must have felt this undone. 

You wish she'd hear you.

But Matt's mom crying doesn't stop, and you try to stay by her side. 

You wish you'd be able to tell her that you care about Matt, that if you were alive, he'd have a friend. 

Your time's running out. 

***

You’ve got three days left.

At night, your thoughts inevitably come back to Liz. 

There’s only Liz left.

You think about writing a letter. Maybe Matthew could say he found it somewhere, or that you two were actually friends and you told him about your feelings.

And that somehow Matt kept a letter meant only for Liz.

Ugh, it doesn’t sound real at all.

You’re interrupted by Matt’s mom getting up at five in the morning.

She just wakes up and starts crying quietly, Matt’s siblings don’t even wake up when she leaves the bed and heads to the bedroom. 

She doesn’t even say a word, doesn’t turn on the lights, she knows exactly where she’s going.

She gets into Matt’s bed and hugs him.

For a moment there’s just silence and heavy breathing.

“Baby, please don’t die,” You hear her whisper.

You close your eyes, your chest filled with a growing sense of grief and guilt.

They fall asleep like that.