Finally, I go back and cum at my house watching some porn as I didn't cum at his place. But still I had this empty feeling, so I wanted to try it again, so I go back to kik, ask various people to have sex with me, many are from far place. Many just want to take advantage of me and tarnish me. They are all people from slum areas, who meet and often fuck prostitutes, they don't have cleanliness, they might have STD, and so I have a huge dilemma to go meet them or not. From the person, who thinks whether to send nudes or not, to a person who thinks whether after not doing anal, I am a virgin or not. I have become really trash. Some of the crazy tasks in BDSM groups I did were: licking my shit, masturbating naked in my parking lot, tasting my piss, eating my cum, etc. seeing all the things I've done, I feel disgusted by myself, I just feel that there is no turning back, I feel horny 24/7, even during sleeping I think about it. I just fantasize about being raped by many men. I either chat with someone on Kik or watch movies. I wasn't even bothered about my studies or getting a job. I was so depressed that I did feel many at times that the earth would be better off without me, there was no one to share all these conflicts with. Everyone thinks about me as a good guy and I didn't want to tarnish that image.

Finally one day, suddenly a guy who is a virgin asks me to suck his Dick and I had to meet him in just a few hours. I was so confused but still didn't want to let this chance go. So I accept his proposal but he says that he is kidding just when I'm fully prepared to go. Seeing this as a chance to go back, I say it's ok and talk about all fantasies I have and finally at night I delete the app before I change my mind. I have deleted this app previously for about 50 times and again installed to come back. This is a reality, you can't change totally at once by going through that magical moment, as you see in movies or stories, as if you were struck by some enlightenment, none of those shits happen in real life. If you want to change you should push the thought forward, it takes lots of patience and perseverance, who knows when I might go back. But for now, I just want to stop. I am a good guy in the eyes of my parents, my best friends, my classmates, my relatives. But no one knows how big of a pervert I am. Am I straight? Or am I bi? Or do I want to be a trans? Or maybe I just want to cut my dick but live as a guy, as I hate girl's clothes, they are uncomfortable. For now, I just want to be as it is as I was born. I just want to come out of these addictions and finally, one day reveal this part of life to everyone when I'm in a position where no one questions me.