I'm writing this in class while waiting for my professor to hand back our most recent exam. Instead of sitting here just waiting, I decide to pass the time by writing whatever this will turn into. It doesn’t take me long to figure out what to write about because oh my god I feel so fucking anxious! I hate writing with people so close to me!

I don’t think I struggle with writing in public. I often write in coffee shops when I don’t have enough time in between classes or work to go back home. I struggle with writing when someone sits close enough to read what’s on my computer! Like inches away. Our shoulders are almost touching. Like every time the girl on my left tilts her head towards my screen I wonder if she’s reading this. Is she reading this? Why would she want to read this? It’s none of her business. But more importantly, why am I so stressed?

I know I’m being paranoid and silly, but despite that, I’m still very aware that whenever she wants to, the girl on my left can glance over and read the first draft of my personal work. I feel exposed. I don’t like that. It makes me count the seconds of when I’ll get my exam back and wondering why it’s taking my professor so long. I should probably put my computer away if I don’t like it, but at the same time, I know I’m being silly and have nothing to worry about.

Here are the potential scenarios. If I put my computer away, then I don’t get my work done, and nothing happens. But, if I don’t put my computer away, I get work done, and nothing happens. If nothing’s going to happen, then I should get my work done. But the longer I sit here next to the girl on my left, the longer this emptiness in my chest sits. Then the emptiness grows. It grows larger and larger and I become more aware of it. It irritates me. Like there’s a giant air bubble lodged in between my rib cages. And the air bubble expands past my sternum, and down my arms, and my arms feel numb, and maybe I need go to the doctor? Would they fix my nerves?

I think I know the cause of this fear. A few years ago, I was on an airplane on a very long flight and thought what better way to pass the time than to write. I sat in a row of three seats, and I was the unlucky passenger to sit dead center. To my right was a dad who was watching his kids in the aisle adjacent to ours. He didn’t bother me. To my left was a guy in his mid thirties who drank five shots of I don’t know what, but he passed out drunk an hour into the flight. I thought he was asleep and that it was okay to write. You can probably tell by the direction of this story that it wasn’t. I wrote two paragraphs when he stuck his face square into my screen. I felt so embarrassed. I pulled my laptop away and scolded him, which was really stupid of me trying to reason with a drunk guy. He smiled at me. Looked me dead in the eye and smiled at me. My computer stayed in my bag for the rest of the flight.

I am aware that situation was special, but it still scarred me. I think it’s time for that wound to heal. I still haven’t gotten my exam back, and the girl on my left is still uncomfortably close. (If you haven’t caught on, there’s no one on my right). Is this the best way to overcome my nerves? I think it is, but I also wonder if there’s a better way? Maybe what I really need to get over is the fear of having a stranger read my unfinished work? Even before the airplane incident, I have never like someone seeing my work before it’s finished. I have always felt uncomfortable and worried that it wasn’t good enough. But what is good enough? Especially when it comes to creative fields like writing. But wouldn’t it be better if they saw my best work and in return gave me their best criticism? But is that something I can reasonably expect?

Probably the best way to fix my problem is by answering the question posed in the title: what is the best way to get rid of nerves? Other than drugs, and I wouldn’t consider that the best way. Then again, is that a question that should be answered? There are arguments that reason why nerves can be good. For instance, they keep us alert and make us less likely to make mistakes. Nerves also prevent us from making decisions that can hurt us. But, nerves can also prevent us from taking action or, in my current case, make taking action more difficult. Maybe a better question to ask is what is the best way to balance our nerves? How can we recognize when our nerves are valid and when they are silly? The best way to understand this is probably to defy your nerves as much as possible. Identify your tipping point. If you encounter a situation that is similar to a bad experience, then don’t repeat it. At the same time, understand that we grow as individuals. The person who encountered that bad experience in the past may not be the same person placed in that situation now. We need to experiment with trial and error, and through those experiences, we’ll learn more about ourselves.

I don’t know if that’s the best answer, and I’m open to hear others. I’d actually be grateful if you can share your thoughts.

By the way, I got a 98 on my exam.