I hate time-skips but here’s my one in this book… After Ophelia’s party the four of us didn’t see each other for like a month because of term 4 exams. I finally turned 16. No big deal. Alaska kinda just showed up at my house. No gifts. Nothing. It was a spur of the moment decision. She said she just wanted to wish me on my actual birthday. Even though she had just written a 3hr art paper that day she used what little energy she had to visit me. It's one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me. But that isn’t worth mentioning.
Today was the last day of school after exams. It was compulsory for us to be there to fetch our reports this year. It was a horrible experience of wasting 3hrs of our lives. 3 Hours of anxiety for my report. It was horrible as usual. I was basically barely passing every subject. But what did I expect. I had no motivation. All i do is go to school and sleep in class and talk shit to people, go home, maybe talk to Alaska and then watch anime and kinda make sure I don’t feel anything. I’m living a numb haze.
But don’t be fooled. I love Alaska, Ophelia and Vanessa with all my heart. And I’m happy when I’m with them. But afterwards I don’t even know why I’m still here. I feel like besides them, I live for this little bit of happiness I feel for the split second when I’m with them. I’m just chasing this 2 second high because it’s stronger than anything. The withdrawal is more than just physical though. But after that I just kinda claw my way to the end of the day. Without them I’d lose purpose and my sense of self. Because as unhealthy as it seems, I filled my emptiness with their love. With whatever they fed into me. Whether it was the grievances, cute things we say to each other, those small jokes we eventually forget or something stupid like talking to each other every morning. I fucking treasure all those things because they’re all I have. Without them I’d honestly die. But enough of that. Let’s go to my favourite part of my existential nightmare.
It was 2 minutes till our last period before the end of the day. In that one period I’ll get to see Alaska. I walked into class and there she was. My daylily.
“Hey Oliver.”
“Hey Alaska.”
I sat down and it hit me and slumped down next to her, miserable.
“What’s wrong my honeysuckle?”
“Wow, that sounds clunky out loud?”
“Would you rather I call you honey for short?”
“Honeysuckle is fine...” i said bashfully.
“I thought so.”
She gazed at me in confusion.
“Why are you staring at me?”
“Because I’m confoozled.”
“Your what?”
“It’s a combination of confused and bamboozled. Duh.”
“Well, why’re you confoozled?”
“Because you’re sad and I’m trying to figure out why?”
“Oh. I realized how little time we all really have left together.Not like in terms of our mortality. I’ve already come to terms with that. But like highschool. We’ve know this system for 10 years. Will I be able to change? And not only that. What about you? Ophelia? Vanessa? You guys are the only people besides my mom who have have cared about me or that I dare say care about. And to add to all this uncertainty I have no idea what I wanna do. Where will we all go? I’m just aimlessly drifting through the day, trying to not be alone with my thoughts and just make it back to your arms. I’m pretty sure this year is the amalgamation of a bunch of factors that's just a bout of depression.”
“Oh. Well I completely understand. I’m just drifting back to your arms too and for real I don’t have anyone besides you. I don’t know what I wanna do either. Well that’s not true. I like art. Like a lot. Like I wanna be an illustrator or something. Maybe go art school. Do photography as a hobby and then go pro or something or at least do it on the side. Oliver, all I can say based on what I’ve just mentioned is find a passion and run with it till you’re famous. Also don’t be stupid. We will always be with you. We won’t always be together (realistically), as much as I want to be with you forever. You’ll get bored of ol’ Alaska May and what better things. You’ll want a girl that will give you a bunch of things that I can’t. But regardless of all that I’ll always care about you and want to be with you. You’re also the first person I’ve cared about. And if you think you’re depressed go get real help. Telling your girlfriend won’t do anything.”
I began to choke and gasp for air in a dramatic fashion.
“Are you okay?”
“It’s fine Alaska. I just still can’t get over the fact that we’re really dating. And I can’t believe you replied to everything I just mentioned. It’s like you listen to me when I speak or something. It feels weird.”
“I’m your girlfriend, of course I listen.”
I choked and gasped again.
“My idiot.” She replied with a smile.
“Anyways, I guess you’re right. And like we’re only sixteen we can still improve our marks and find our passions.”
“Exactly. So why’re you worrying?”
“Because I struggle with anxiety?”
“True” She replied in a very mature voice.
We both burst out laughing at our mutual stupidity. Moments like these I kinda just wanna marry her….
“Alaska....”
“Yes?”
“I know it’s stupid but can you make what you said earlier a promise?”
“Which part?”
“About how we’ll always be together even if we’re not dating. I don’t know if I’ll be able to cope without you.”
“Don’t worry Oliver. The feeling’s mutual but I just know you’ll be the one to leave me even if it’s not your choice, but for as long as possible I’ll stay by your side and I’ll be your girlfriend. That’s a promise.” she said with an out reached curled pinky.
We linked pinkies. It was such a small thing but she gave me the world in her hand that day.
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