Dear #2, 

This is the first time I've ever shown this part of myself to anyone. One of my deepest secrets. Please read it with care.

*Below mentions thoughts of ending one's life. Please read with caution and remember that you are never alone. You are loved.*

Oh man! Talk about a dark time for me! Most people say that when one considers suicide they aren't in a right state of mind, but the other day I read an article saying that if you plan it out, that is a sign of a perfectly well and healthy mind. I considered it for so long that year. If I died I wouldn't have to feel like this, and who would it hurt since no one cared anyway? I couldn't follow through with my plan though. Later, in that same article, the author wrote about what suicide does to your family. Now I wouldn't say that I am particularly close with anyone in my family, but the thought of them finding me made me feel awful. I could never do that to them. It tore me apart. I prayed every night that the good Lord might take me in my sleep. If I'm being honest, I still do. I don't wanna wake up. There's a key reason of why I began to start hating myself. 

Do you understand how lucky I am to be alive and living the life I have? I have everything I want and more. I went to a private school for the majority of my life! Why can't I just be okay with that? Why am I so ungrateful? How can I be so selfish? I have the nerve to PRAY that I don't wake up the next day when there are people praying that they will or for the life I've taken from them. Why would He give this life to someone who doesn't deserve it? I need you right now, but I don't wanna bother you. I don't need you knowing that this is what I beat myself up about when I'm alone. I don't want a babysitter for my mental state 24/7. I really want nothing more than to be honest with you and just spill the beans, but you don't ask, so I don't tell. I wanna cry. I wanna scream. I hate seeing my old "friends" hanging out and having so much more fun without me in their lives. They never needed or even wanted me from the start. But as much as it breaks my heart, it makes me so happy to see that they're happy. I would never wish any kind of evil upon any of them. 

When people would ask me why I decided to switch schools I would lie and tell them the excuse, that wasn't a lie, just not the entire story. I switched schools because I felt a "calling" to go to a public school. It was just my time. I didn't wanna be a wimp and sent to therapy for "not having any friends." I can deal with my problems on my own. No one needed to know the real reason. They never asked either. I didn't realize how I really felt until I wrote a paper for English that next year. I poured my heart and soul into that short essay. It felt so good to get it all out. I would consider it a cry for help, but the teacher didn't read it. However, when my mom found it, she was in tears. I couldn't bring myself to talk about it anymore but somehow she understood and we have yet to speak about it again. 

I need you right now, but I'd never tell you that. You mean so much to me and I'm so glad to know you and call you my best friend. Ugh I wanna cry again. This is your fault! >:( You have my feelings all over the place Paul. I don't think I've ever fallen this hard for anybody. I don't want you to ever leave, but I can still live without you, rest assured. It means more when I want you in my life instead of needing you to survive. I want you to choose me over everyone else, not because you have to. It's not often that I say what I really want, believe it or not. I want you to be happy. I've come to love your nerdy smile. The way you look at me gives me butterflies. It's hard to believe how much I've come to love you or that you're even real, like, is this really okay? What if you're supposed to be someone else's night in shining armor? What if you realize that and leave me? I would put up a fight for you, but, ultimately, your happiness means more to me. I just want you. I want you in my life forever and no one else. 

I can't fall asleep, but I have a feeling you knew that when you hung up. You put me in a mood.