Dear #2,

I know that I haven't always been the best friend to you and its mostly you helping me, but I just want you to know that I really do appreciate you and everything you do. 

*Briefly mentions the question of living on. Please read with care.*

Letter 5:

Take a seat for this one hun. This is my biggest secret yet. I've never told anyone, not even Mimzy (my stuffed animal). It's actually the only part of my life thus far that I can't recall clearly. That's because my way of coping at the time was to just forget it all. Honestly, I'm sure this is what pushed me over the edge. Why I'd wake up and wonder why I did. Why I wanted everything to end, just I wouldn't have to hurt anymore. A year ago I met this guy online. His name was Jarred. He told me he was my age, he looked and sounded like it too. I met him on a messenger app that I used to talk to my other online friends since making real life friends wasn't working out so well. We'd call every now and then, but we mostly texted since it was convenient. I remember clearly that he really enjoyed singing, especially for me, even if he was barely average at best. We'd spend a lot of nights staying up way past our curfews to talk and text. I remember us fighting a lot, about what I couldn't tell you. I think I just like being upset so he would be nice to me.. or maybe we were just too opinionated for our own good, haha. In no time we were best friends. We kinda just clicked and little fights never really mattered. We just enjoyed the same hobbies and topics, it was always an easy conversation.  I remember one night I fell asleep without saying goodnight and woke up to a picture of my favorite animal and him saying "Your favorite." That really made my day, but I never heard from him again. He later confessed to a friend of mine that it was all just a joke. He didn't feel that I was worth him wasting his time on, even if it was just a joke. I didn't think it was funny. I felt like a wast of space and I really did start to beat myself up about it. The worst part though, was having to bear that burden alone. I never told any of my real life friends about my online life, I mean to them I would've just looked stupid. So I had to tuck a painful memory away and move on with my life. 

Later on I met Lucifer. Now my relationship was very long and always off and on. One minute I would be head over heels and the next I'd be crying into a pillow saying that I hated him. He put me through a lot of emotional abuse and questioned me non stop. I've got a feeling that's a reason of why I'm not very well with the whole trust thing and opening up. He would try to use anything and everything I said against me so he could get what he wanted. 

Even though I grew to hate than app, I had trouble deleting it. When I finally did, I had 4 real friends who I still talk to today. I'll tell you about them when you ask. They're actually all super awesome.