hand guns,

we’ve all done them before,

little sideway L’s we made with our fingers,

kids did them while playing cops and robbers,

adults do them to attract someone

whether it was to be cheesy

and make that person laugh,

or they were just that one

awkward kid in school,

the one who didn’t get social norms

or is just to introverted

and shy to talk to others,

as for teens on the other hand,

they typically put the fake gun

up to their temple,

and push down the trigger,

it’s usually done as a joke,

a joke about wanting to die

because of something embarrassing,

or merely just joking about death and suicide,

and I’m no better,

I’ve been around people like this

and done the same,

but even when I’m not around people like that

I’d do it in secret where no one would see me,

I would do this every time I thought of a mistake I made in the past,

or when I did something stupid,

or said something I couldn’t take back,

then I’d imagine that hand

was an actual gun,

I’d pull down my thumb,

essentially pulling the trigger,

and feel that imaginary bullet

fly through my head

and explode out,

but for those bullets which didn’t come out,

they stayed in my mind,

and poisoned it with their imaginary lead,

making my mind toxic and mad,

looking at the past more,

despising myself more,

and lodging more imaginary poison in my head,

I still am