I wanted to prove myself. I felt the need to.

Somewhere within my mind, I had questioned my belonging. I wanted to be content with who I am. However, I was unable to convince myself of my own worth. And due to my desire for confirmation, Silvi stood as the catalyst, becoming the perfect image of someone I never wanted to lose to.

Thus, I searched for equal ground. One that included no one else but me. Because I knew, anywhere else, I would have lost. If both of us had not fought solitary, the outcome would be inevitable.

But unknowingly, in search of a leveled match, I stooped down to hers.

And understanding that my worth was not proven, I laid my anger onto her. Unconscious of the fact that I have degraded myself in the process.

Was I truly in the wrong?

Am I truly the same as her?

How can I even be?!

But even with my vocal refusal, I was already caged with my realization.

I was no different from Silvi. As how she needed others to prove her strength, I attempted to make her prove mine. Similar to her, I was also a mere prey. Perhaps, when faced with the rules of the world, no one could not be. And maybe, I should have aligned myself with society. Then at least, even though I will still be a prey, I would not have to feel this way.

As I was consumed with the overwhelming feeling of denial, I bit my already cut lip to wake me from my ever-evolving nightmare, forcing the time to move. Due to that sharp pain from my opened wound, I abled myself to quickly grab my belongings and dash out from the room. Without the strength to look anywhere else but forth, I left.

I slammed the door of the girl’s locker room close, finding myself outside, no longer choked by the suffocating atmosphere. And although my chest still felt burdened, the serene evening sky granted me a tiny sense of tranquility, allowing me to calm my unorderly breathing. As the unbearable weight started to float away, I collected my thoughts.

Calm yourself down, Gwen.

I had to indeed.

Because directly ahead of me, the coach was still on the court, tidying the net while picking up the shuttlecocks that were scattered, utterly clueless to what had happened just across from himself.

Once I gauged that I was calm enough, I hastily walked towards the badminton court, approaching the coach while keeping a cool demeanor. As if everything was of the usual, I casually spoke to his turned back.

“Coach, if you’ll excuse me.”

“Ah, Gwen, have you done some cooling down?”

As the coach was still busy picking up the scattered shuttlecocks, he replied without turning his back around, which was favorable.

“Don’t worry, I'll jog on my way home.”

“I see, be careful on your way home, th-”

But at the last moments of our exchange, coach turned around and faced me. Under normal circumstances, a farewell should have both parties facing each other. But I do wish that he did not act polite for this once.

“Thank you.”

“-en...”

But with that final phrase, I immediately fled from the scene, disallowing him to initiate any more interaction.

The coach must have been surprised at what he saw. But knowing adult authorities, they would try to forcefully meddle with the conflict, trying to reconcile both of the parties involved without truly understanding the context of the situation. That will just piss me off even more.

I hurriedly made my way out of the school. And when I have finally arrived at the front school gate, I took a short moment to relief myself. After a number of short sighs, I reached for my school bag and searched for my favorite pair of earphones.

The pair was the kind that could hook to the back of your ears, specifically made to accompany exercising activities. As jogging after badminton activities had become a habit of mine, I would always bring these earphones in my bag. Because alongside that prior habit, another one was to listen to some classical pieces while running. I love Chopin’s works the most.

As I ran, I unconsciously matched my pace with the tempo of the music, each of my steps resembling a ticking metronome. The mixture of the gentle breeze and the sound of piano tuts somehow eased the pain on my left cheek, allowing me to dream for a little while. I guess it is true that music can take you to another world.

"That sounds quite cheesy."

I thought to myself while trying to force a peal of laughter. But instead, it only came out depressing.

Yeah, there is probably a good reason as to why humans are defined as social creatures. Unfortunately, people just do not think of me as another human being. And as such, no amount of interaction can be created due to the perception. One does not have to be biologically dissimilar to be perceived as different. With humans, even the exceptional is deemed as an oddity.

“Heh, it’s as if I was bragging by calling myself a genius and all.”

But isn’t it ironic that the talented are the ones who were having the most trouble? Logically, those who are considered to be geniuses should be able to produce better results with less effort compared to those who are perceived as average. And therefore, I should be having an easier time, shouldn’t I?

But what rested inside of me was nothing but ease. Instead, everything felt like a burden.

Am I just being ungrateful?

Perhaps.

Maybe, that is another human psychological pattern where one would tend to want something that they do not own. If so, I was not much different from the people I was critiquing, who belittled me due to their jealousy of what I have.

In that sense, I was a mere hypocrite. Somewhere along the line, I was also envious with the things those people have. The way they are treated, the way they are welcomed, and perhaps, the fact that they care and are cared, regardless of them being genuine or not. I was unable to accept the fact that I did not have them. In the end, I was also hiding behind my words by acting strong. And to cope with everything, I belittled everyone else, just so that I could justify myself for being alone.

Yet deep inside, I knew that I was weak. That is why I lost myself. That is why I felt the need to hurt Silvi. Because otherwise, I will not be able to confirm my individuality. But again, in the end, I was powerless. Powerless to change the things that were not even caused by me.

My classmates, my club mates, the way they treated me... Mother... Everything. I cannot change anything. They were predestined long before I even understood the word “consent”.

Then... How is that fair?

If everything was predestined by fate, then what can I possibly do?

Perhaps, it was the sweat running down from my forehead. Maybe, my eyebrows were not doing their given job. But as my eyelids became heavier, I knew. They who were asleep, woke up, forcing their answer upon me.

“Focus on the things you can change.”

It was an answer that everyone would typically give. One that embodied my troubles. And hearing it, I was filled with another fit of rage.

Become better? Anyone can become better.

Yeah right. No one could even define what it actually means.

In the midst of running, I found myself gritting in rejection. Knowing, that I, was not entirely conceited.

“No. It was exactly the opposite.”

Because of what I cannot change, I became who I am. As the world became what it is, I had turned into something that others do not desire.

“Is it really me?”

No.

“Did all of this happen because of me?”

No... right?

“Do I have to change myself to become better?”

…

As I have said, my school is not that far from my home. I should probably have reached it by now considering my jogging speed. But somehow, it felt as if I was never going to arrive home. In disarray, I felt my strength leaving me as my knees refused to lift up. And even if they managed to do so, I was unsure of where they would take me. And knowing that I was looped, trapped between uncertainty and self-depreciation, my cheeks were flooded, exchanging sweat with tears.

And in sequence, my body numbed its senses as if telling me to take a rest. A suggestion which I agreed upon as I understood that it was not the greatest idea to run while I was sobbing. But I guess, that too, was one of the worst decisions I had made today.

I did not see it. I did not hear it coming. And when I did, I did not have the strength to run away from it.