Alexei didn’t like how it felt to be jealous. He didn’t like the painful, sinking feeling in his chest that came with it, and he didn’t like how that even though he knew that there was probably nothing between Kleo and Flora, his heart didn’t listen. Jealousy wasn’t rational, and neither was the heart. When Alexei climbed the stairs to Kleo’s room, he didn’t intend on eavesdropping on their conversation. He didn’t even realize that anyone was there except for Kleo until he heard a girl’s voice. He tried to pay it no mind, but it wasn’t like Kleo had a door to his bedroom, and the sound travelled. Maybe he should have made them aware of his presence before, but admittedly, his curiosity got the best of him when he swore he heard his name.

“I’ll do it after midterms, I promise. That way, no one has exams or projects or anything on their mind and I can just come clean and be honest with him.”

Alexei froze, realizing that that was something he probably shouldn’t have overheard. Who would Kleo need to come clean to, and about what? He didn’t know or understand what was going on, and he didn’t want to jump to any conclusions. He made his way up the stairs and planned to pretend that he didn’t hear a thing but for some reason, seeing them together left him feeling worse than he thought. It was completely innocent and Alexei knew that there was probably nothing going on, but for some reason, he couldn’t shake that something was being kept from him.

He saw the way Kleo smiled at her and hated the way it twisted his heart. There was suddenly a knot in his chest and he couldn’t look at him anymore. He focused on Flora as he tried to act normal. He shouldn’t care that she was there, right? If Kleo liked her, he would have told him, right? To be honest, he wasn’t so sure anymore. He didn’t even know that they were more than just work friends, but here she was, in his room and lying about whatever reason she had for being there. Alexei didn’t know why she needed to lie, and maybe if it were to anyone else, she would have gotten away with it, but no, not with him. He didn’t have to look at Kleo to feel the nervous energy radiating off of him. The moment he saw Alexei enter the room, Alexei noticed the tells of his anxiety building up. The fact that Kleo had yet to even say a word, spoke volumes, and Alexei knew something was up. He was hurt, and that was quickly turning into frustration. Why was Kleo hiding things from him? They never kept secrets from each other and all of a sudden, here he was with some girl, doing just that. Was he dating her? Was this what this was about?

Alexei quickly ended the interaction, recognizing that he needed some space to clear his head. He wasn’t being fair to Kleo, honestly, even if he was hurt. Kleo didn’t belong to him and he could hang out or date whomever he wanted. Alexei knew this, but it didn’t stop the pain that formed in his heart. He knew he needed to get over this crush and regretted letting it get this far. He should have learned his lesson last year, but of course, once he had the smallest bit of hope, he latched right onto it as if his life depended on it.

He needed some space, emotionally. He needed to focus on his coursework and his job and not worry about his feelings about this. So, Alexei did what he did best in this type of situation, and he shoved it deep down where he couldn’t reach it. He detached himself from it and focused on what needed to get done. It was the week of midterms, he had exams to take, assignments to grade, and a whole lot less shit to give on whether Kleo was dating Flora or not. Sure, he acted normal as best he could. He put on the mask of a smile when needed and acted as if there were no issues at all. He tried to forget about what he heard Kleo say and the implications of what it could be about and to who he would even need to confess something to. He didn’t need any of that on his mind, and yet, as he laid in bed at night, it was all he could think about.

His heart battled his brain, not wanting to feel the pain of the “what ifs” surrounding the whole situation. He absolutely hated it and the way it kept him up at night, arms tight around his pillow and eyes squeezed shut as he tried to think about anything else to get it out of his mind. Maybe he should leave for the weekend, go visit his family now that they’re settled back in New York. A few days away would maybe help? He hadn’t partied with his sister since New Years and that could be a great distraction. He didn’t really have it in him, though, to travel up North. He didn’t like running away from his problems but this was always a problem he couldn’t quite solve.

The week was filled with too many restless nights like these, but thankfully, the distraction of his exams were enough to bury the rest down for just long enough to get through the week. Now, unfortunately, his heart was free to focus on the bottle of emotion he hid away, unscrewing its cap to flood his mind. He couldn’t deal with this right now, he just needed to step away. As if hearing his plead, the universe responded gifted him an offer for his reprieve in the form of a text from his old roommate.

Chris: Yo! It’s been a minute dude. Delta’s throwing a party tonight if you want in?

He was right, it had been a while since he hung with his old crowd and that would change tonight.

He showered and changed his clothes before starting to head out. The moment he reached the Apothecary floor, he noticed Kleo and Flora behind the counter. Flora noticed him first, sending him a wave as Kleo turned to look at him.

“Hey, you headed out?” Kleo asked.

“Yeah,” Alexei said and before he could think about it, a lie flew through his slips, “Some of the chem students were getting together to go over some stuff. I’ll be back late.” He didn’t know where it came from or why he did it, but there it was. Kleo seemed none the wiser as he nodded in response. He smiled at him, and Alexei felt a small pang of guilt for not telling the truth. It’s not like Kleo would care, so why did he lie?

“Have fun, I hope it goes well,” Kleo said and Alexei tried to return his smile before going. He really didn’t need the guilt from some dumb lie resting in his chest alongside the churning mass of complicated thoughts and feelings.

The moon was rising by the time he got to the Delta house and the party was already in full swing. The sorority house was filled to the brim and Alexei could tell that there were already some who may have started partying a little earlier. He made his way to the kitchen, pouring himself a drink before finding his friend. He gave into this distraction and the smell of liquor grew in the air. The music was loud, the beat drumming in his chest and the cluster of warm bodies paired with alcohol served as a very stimulating way to forget. He let himself become lost in the crowd, smiling and having fun as he felt like bubbles were rising within him. It was nice, very nice, until someone new decided they wanted to talk to him.

“Hey! You a friend of the Deltas?” The guy was just around his height with shaggy, blonde hair and he smelled of whiskey and smoke.

“Some of them,” Alexei’s response was short. He tried not to slur as he spoke, but he could feel it in the way he moved his lips. He didn’t know this guy and wasn’t very interested in making new friends tonight. All he wanted was to just continue getting lost in the music like before. He liked listening to music while drunk. There was just something about being a little gone that made him feel like the music was forming inside of him and playing through his veins. He wondered if it would be better to go to a rave or a concert. Would the feeling be the same or better?

“You seem pretty cool,” the guy said, “I don’t think I’ve seen you around?” Alexei just shrugged at that, trying to ignore him as he sipped on his drink and the guy chuckled. “Not much of a talker, hm?” He grinned and Alexei shot him a glare. He may be drunk but he knew this guy was an ass, and he didn’t want to deal with it. The guy laughed, placing a hand over his chest. “You’re feisty, aren’t you? I like that.”

“Listen,” Alexei tried to say, putting up a hand to ask him to stop. He frowned as the guy seemed to lean closer. “You’re barking up the wrong tree, I’m not interested.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to have a little fun?” The guy waisted no time in asking and stepped closer into his space. Alexei immediately started to stumble back, nearly losing his footing. He silently cursed himself for drinking so much in that moment. He just wanted to have fun, he didn’t need some sleaze creeping up on him tonight. He didn’t come here wanting this. All he wanted was to forget for just a little while and he couldn’t do that with this jerk stepping in.

“Get away from me,” Alexei told him, making his voice firm. The guy seemed to take this as a challenge, stepping even closer to him with a smirk placed on his lips. Alexei stepped back again but felt the wall touch his back. This wasn’t good. Alexei’s eyes darted around the room for a second, hoping to find Chris or someone he knew that could help him out of this situation, but had no luck.

“Come on, let me show you a good time,” the guy’s voice lowered and he reached out to place a hand on Alexei’s waist.

“I said, get the fuck away from me!” Alexei yelled, pushing the guy off. The guy stumbled back, surprised by the force, but the look of shock on his face quickly turned to anger as he pulled an arm back.

Alexei didn’t feel the punch to his face but he definitely felt the hardwood of the floor beneath him once he met the ground. Before the guy could try and get another hit in, someone had come and pulled him away.

“Dude! Are you okay?” Chris was suddenly as his side and helping him up. Alexei shoved him off as he steadied himself.

“I’m fine.” He said, running a hand through his hair. “Sorry, I just, I need to go.”

“Do you want a ride?” Chris asked and he shook his head.

“Thanks, but, I need the fresh air.” Chris started to protest but Alexei just turned and left.

He walked down the street in the direction of his home, and the noise of the party slowly faded away. There was a throbbing in his cheek where he knew a bruise would form and hiccups in his throat. He knew he could hold some liquor but perhaps he went too far tonight. He closed his eyes as he let the cool breeze of the autumn night air sooth his face. He was still very warm from the alcohol and the chill night air felt refreshing. He walked until he found himself in the town’s park. The lights of the street lamps glowed a soft yellow, lighting his path. He found a bench not far from the entrance and took as seat as he felt the sting of tears forming in his eyes and decided to let free. A sob escaped his lips as the tears rolled down his cheeks. There were various reasons he could be crying, starting with the creep at the party and ending with the fact that he yearned to be honest with his best friend. It could have very well been both, but now with just a single thought, Kleo and all that was going on with that was back in his head.

He knew he needed to be honest with Kleo about his feelings if he ever wanted to get over him, and that in itself was a difficult thing to do. If Kleo really was dating Flora, how would he even react to finding out that Alexei felt that way about him. And if he was dating Flora, why wouldn’t he tell him? Was he just supposed to not notice Kleo suddenly sneaking around and hanging out with her? It wasn’t a problem if her were, but why lie about it? Why not tell him?

Alexei wiped away his tears, took a deep breath, and took out his phone. He wanted to talk to Kleo, but he felt so mad at him just then. He was angry, angry of what he could possibly be hiding from him. Angry that he didn’t trust him enough to tell him whatever it was, even if it’s just him dating Flora. He was angry that it felt like he was losing his friend all of a sudden because of his own feelings for him and the pain they were causing. He really sucked. Kleo really sucked right now and he deserved to know it. His mind was fuzzy and full of all these thoughts, and he knew he had to get them out somehow.

He brought the phone to his ear and laid his head against the back of the park bench. The phone rang for a short moment before Kleo answered and Alexei spoke up. He drew Kleo’s name from his lips as best he could, the letters stretching out towards the end. Another hiccup escaped his lips as he waited for Kleo’s response.

“Where are you?”