The first thing Hugo thought when he woke up one morning was ‘fuck it’. It was a strange way to wake up, but it was far better than the awful sweaty feeling he got when he'd had nightmares or the nonchalant boredom of normal days. He shook his head with a frown and got out of bed.

He didn't realise what it was he said 'fuck it' to until he was slowly chewing on his cereal. He wanted to go to the GSA. It would be on that night if he was remembering correctly. He didn't have work, so he could go if he wanted to. And apparently, he did want to. A week of thinking about it and he finally figured it out.

He would go after class. It was on the other side of the campus but that didn't matter. But he wasn’t going to bring Renee with him. He had no idea what she thought about that kind of stuff and he was too scared to ask her about it. He would go alone, if he needed to speak, he would just write it out if no one understood sign language, which was probably the case. He'd gotten lucky with Renee.

Speak of the devil and he shall appear. His phone flashed with her name and he smirked in amusement. She was calling him for some reason, despite the fact that he wouldn’t be able to say anything. It had happened before and usually he wouldn’t answer, but he was in the mood for a laugh.

"Hey loser," Renee croaked over the line. "I feel like crap and won't be in today, would you be able to get today's notes for me?" If they were face to face or if she had texted him, he would have said yes. Getting notes for her wasn't going to be an issue. "Hugo, you there? Hugo?" There was a beat of silence where Hugo laughed, the air coming out in short puffs. "Oh, shit, I'm an idiot! Sorry, Hugo! What the hell did you answer the phone for, you arse?"

She hung up, leaving him to laugh in silence in the middle of his dining room, grinning at the phone’s black screen. She was sick so it made sense that she had called instead of texting him, but he still couldn’t help laughing at her. His phone buzzed again and he texted her back with a smile on his face.

Hugo: I can get you the notes, it's all good

Renee: Sorry I called. I'm really out of it atm. Thank you so much

Hugo: No problem, feel better soon

Renee: Thanks loser

Hugo shook his head at her again. "What's got you looking so happy?" a voice asked. Hugo's father walked into the room, an exhausted look on his face.

"My friend tried to call me," he signed in response. "She forgot."

His father smiled at him. Even early in the morning, he could be in a good mood too. "I haven't seen you laugh in a while. I'm glad," he said. "Your friend seems to be good for you. I want to meet her at some point."

He couldn't explain it, but something about the words made him nervous. Who knew what his father would say or do if he met Renee. "Maybe one day," he replied. "I have to get going or I'm going to miss my train."

Hugo's father waved to him from the door as he walked down the steep driveway. It was such a weird morning. His dad in a good mood, Renee sick and forgetting that he couldn't speak, and him wanting to go to a place where he would no doubt panic. It was strange, but for once he wasn't doubting himself. Maybe some new friends would be good. He spent all his time with Renee and he hadn't seen Stefan in a while because they were both busy.

More friends seemed like a strange idea. He didn't know what he would do with them. He'd told Stefan that he only needed two, but maybe he was wrong. He didn't know what was thinking. It was just a good idea to get out of the house that wasn't for the same three things. If he went, at least he could say he tried, even if it didn't work out as planned.

He couldn't explain why he wanted to go, not when he'd been so against it a week ago. There was something in him, something that told him he needed to try it. If it was bad, he could leave, it wasn't a big deal.

He thought about it all the way to the train and to his class. He didn't even pay attention to the number of people crushed up against him, lost in his thoughts. He probably would have missed his stop if it weren’t for the robotic voice that yelled out every station.

His classes came and went. Lectures and practical lessons filled up his day. He emailed all his notes to Renee at the end and made sure she was looking after herself. It was getting colder, people would be getting sicker and sicker. But with only a few more weeks of class before they had their midyear break, there wasn’t time to be missing classes.

As he walked from his classroom to the meeting room on the other side of the campus, nervousness bubbled away in his stomach. He didn't know how many people were going to be there. How could he be so stupid to think it was a good idea to go to something like that without having any idea what he getting himself into?

He was an idiot, that much was certain, but there was no point turning back now. He was so close to the meeting room. He'd told himself that morning that he was going and that was that. Even if it was only for five minutes, it didn't matter. He had to at least walk through the door. All he had to do was ignore the awful feeling in his stomach and control his breathing.

He would be alright and if he wasn't, he could leave. It wasn't that hard. Just looking at the sign on the door made his breath hitch. In the tiny window in the door, he could see a table filled with laughing people. There were so many of them. He had hoped that there would only be a couple, but there were far more than he was ready to handle.

The door swung open before he had the chance to run. "Hi," a cheerful voice said. A tiny red-haired woman smiled at him through dark lipstick. "Are you alright?" He hesitated before nodding at her. "Are you hear for the GSA group?" Another nod. "Come on in, then. Don't be shy, we're very welcoming."

She gestured for him to follow her through, but he didn't. There were so many of them. He tapped her shoulder and she looked at him curiously. He signed to her, the usual explanation that he was mute, and she stared at him with wide eyes. She gestured for him to wait outside and he shifted from foot to foot, watching through the tiny window as she talked to the others in the group.

"Um, I don't have anyone here that's fluent in sign language," she said, a worried expression pulling at her soft features. "A few people know a few words, but it isn't much."

He waved her away, the easiest way to say that it wasn't a big deal, and then mimed writing. He'd already been caught outside, he might as well head in. She still looked worried, but he smiled at her and pulled a notebook from his satchel bag. She gave him the smallest of smiles and gestured for him to follow her.

It was worth a shot. He couldn't just back out now, not when this stranger had gone to so much effort to see if anyone could talk to him. The group in the room stared at him as he entered, awkwardly shuffling about. "Alright everyone, we have a new person here today," the woman with the red hair said, gesturing to him. "Can you write your name and pronouns for us, hon?"

He obliged, jotting down 'Hugo' and 'he/him' in his neat handwriting. A chorus of "Nice to meet you," almost deafened him. There were kind smiles on their faces, but he could tell they were trying to be as nice as possible because he was different. People either brushed him off or acted like he was fragile, there was no in-between except with Renee and Stefan.

"I'm Rose," the red-haired woman said. "Come sit with us. I promise we don't bite. We're just meant to be watching a movie today. I was even able to steal a whole heap of beanbags." She pointed to one of the walls, where a laptop and interactive whiteboard were set up. A worn leather couch sat in front of it, beanbags spreading out around it like a flower.

At her words, the group of people rushed over to them, finally opening their mouths to speak again. They were loud, friendly towards each other, but loud. Hugo hesitated for a moment before he joined them, sitting off to the side while he watched them chatter among themselves. The voice in the back of his head kept trying to tell him that staying was a bad idea, but he ignored it.

Rose instructed the huge group to go around the room and say their names and pronouns. Hugo tried to remember as many as he could, but there were so many of them, more than the night at the restaurant with Renee's friends. He wouldn't be able to remember many of them. Finally, it got back to him and he held up his notebook with the same words as before.

He didn't know the movie Rose put on for them, but it wasn't as though he could learn what it was. The instant Rose pressed play, the room went crazy. It was as though she had actually pressed play on every single person in the room. Laughter rang out as everyone tried to yell over the top of the movie.

Hugo brought his knees to his chest and tried to focus on the movie, but there were no subtitles and he couldn't hear a word that was being said over the top of the cheerful people. They acted like teenagers, not adults, and it surprised him. He would have thought they would be a bit more chilled out, but obviously, he was wrong.

One man tried to throw a ball of scrunched up paper at the person sitting in the beanbag next to Hugo and missed, hitting Hugo in the head before he could realise what was going on. The man gave him an apologetic grin but said nothing. He tossed the paper back and dropped his hands in his lap, trying to put all his attention on the movie.

He couldn't do it. No matter how hard he tried, the people around him always ruined his immersion. He wrung his hands together in his lap and took deep breaths. He couldn't panic in the middle of the room, it was embarrassing, but he also shouldn't have chosen to sit in a bean bag of all things, they were hard to get out of.

With his eyes close, he tried to ignore the feeling of the room closing in on him. It was real. The room was big enough, but there were people everywhere, pressed up against him in the cramped space in front of the projector screen. He shouldn't have come. What he had been thinking? It was stupid and look where it had gotten him.

He should have just stuck with Renee and Stefan. Two friends were enough. He tried to make other friends that were similar to him, sexuality wise, but it wasn't going to work. They were too crazy for him. He didn't want it. Renee and Stefan were relaxed, they knew what he could handle. And he couldn't handle this.

And then the movie was over. Before he knew it, the credits were rolling and the crazy animals around him were getting up to grab their bags. A few of them left that minute, saying they had work or family to get to, but most stayed behind for a few more minutes. Rose smiled at him as he struggled out of the bean bag.

On the table in the middle of the room were snacks. Lollies, chips, even doughnuts tempted him from the middle of the table. But what drew his attention were the bottles of water at the end. He rushed over to them and gulped down half a bottle before he could realise what he was doing.

"Are you alright?" Rose asked, a concerned frown on her face. She wouldn't have seen him during the movie. She would have no idea how much he was panicking on the inside. She seemed nice enough, it would be a shame to tell her that he wasn't coming back. He couldn't. It was far too much for him.

He nodded at her nonetheless. His notebook sat unused on the table. In all their craziness, not a single one of them had bothered to ask about him. They didn't care. They just wanted to act like children and make him uncomfortable. He could still feel it, in his gut, the panic and the anxiety. He was surprised he hadn't needed to leave in the middle of it. If he had, he wouldn't have come back.

She sighed and bit down on her bottom lip. "I swear they're not usually like that. We just did something a little different today and I think they got a little overexcited," she explained. She looked so apologetic. All Hugo wanted to do was tell her that it was alright. "I'll send them all a text tonight and let them know that they need to calm down a little. You don't look so good but come next week. I promise they will be much calmer; we're just doing the same thing we usually do."

Hugo tapped at his notebook with his pen. "I'll think about it," he wrote, even though he already knew the answer.

Rose smiled at him. "If you need someone to talk to, there's a clinic just down the road that I work for, they allow free walk-ins," she said. He shook his head. He didn't need to talk to anyone, it would only make things worse.

"Thank you anyway," he wrote and gave her a polite wave before he left the room. He wouldn't be going back. It was a bad first impression and a bad idea to go back. He tried it and it wasn't for him, they were far too active for his liking. But at least he could say he had tried.