It came back in flashes, usually when she was doing something that didn't require much thinking. Asena's mind tended to wander and because her mind hated her, it always wandered back to the one thing she could never forget, but so desperately wanted to: The trembling of the ground. The screams. The chaos. The pounding of feet over her small body.

But more than all that, Asena could never forget the pair of ashy-gray-gold-tipped wings falling through the sky and hitting the ground never to flap or even flutter again. Every vivid, horrible detail of that day, that moment was ingrained in her brain. Asena could hear the sickening thump of the Queen's body whenever silence fell. She could feel the sticky heat of her sovereign's blood on her skin when it was bare.

The sounds, the feelings played over and over again in Asena's head. She couldn't stop herself from thinking of all the things she should have done. Asena wished that she would have opened her eyes sooner. She wished that she hadn't fallen like a useless coward so Queen Photine wouldn't have died and the world wouldn't have gone to shit. She wished she had reached out to help the Queen, that she had come out from her hiding spot and helped the woman who could have stopped all of this.

Asena felt detached from the world around her though she could still clearly see Rhosyn cutting her mushrooms and Elizeus stirring the boiling water, occasionally chiding Altin for getting too close to the flame. But, none of that mattered as her mind replayed the blood soaking her skin, her clothes, as it replayed the Queen's body hitting the ground, her body breaking and turning at odd angles on the grassy ground.

Tears welled in Asena's eyes. No, no, no, NO. GO AWAY! Some part of her mind screamed. She willed the tears to go away, but wouldn't wipe at them for fear of drawing attention. Asena tried to focus on each cut of her knife against the purple berries before her, even as she felt her breath quickened and her ash-colored wings began to fold in and around herself. Sometimes it helped to distract herself from the memories, but today was apparently one of those days where distraction wouldn't work.

So, the attack began like it always did. Silent tears slid down Asena's pale cheeks as she saw that day, that moment again and again. Her hands began to shake, demanding to sink into Asena's flesh. She gripped the knife even harder, allowing her nails to curl and dig into the hilt of the knife instead of Asena's own skin. Her chest began to rise more quickly, as her breaths became heavier and heavier. Asena's head was spinning and she felt like she needed to sit down. She couldn't quite see the real world anymore, just the memory of the impact of Queen Photine's body against the unforgiving ground.

Asena forced herself to chop the berries, clinging to distraction, begging the Saints to let it work this time. The knife came down and pain lanced up Asena's arm like the nerves there had been set on fire.

Asena screamed.

Rhosyn's head snapped up from her own chopping; the next second, the other girl was beside her, holding a cloth to Asena's finger, putting so much pressure on it that Asena thought she might scream again. Red blood seeped through the white of the cloth. Asena's skin crawled; the memory of Queen Photine's blood on her young skin was too much like Asena's own blood on her now. Asena thought she might be sick. The pain was a good enough excuse for the sobs and hitching of breath that escaped Asena as the memories and attack took hold of her body.

Asena heard Elizeus' low rumble, distantly, it sounded distorted, like he was trying to talk underwater. Altin ran and Asena could only guess his brother had told him to do so. A moment later, his dark hand flashed into Asena's vision, gently lifting the cloth to survey the damage.

Asena counted her breaths: four counts in, hold for four, out for four, hold for four counts again. She repeated it until her hyperventilation had stopped and her breath was shaky but normal. She hadn't realized that her arms and wings had wrapped themselves around her body until they uncoiled from around Asena's waist.

Come on, Asena told herself. Come back to now. By the time Altin returned with Kirsi--one of the few doctors in camp--in toe, Asena was no longer hyperventilating, but her breaths were not even yet. Her inhale was marred by hitching, her exhale by shaking breath. Asena saw the real world, the visual memories were in the back of her mind now, but she could still feel Photine's blood, and hear her body hitting the ground. Every sound and touch made Asena want to scream. It was too much.

Kirsi gently took up Rhosyn's spot and surveyed damage to Asena's finger; luckily it was still there, but the cut looked like a bloody gorge had been carved into her flesh. At the doctor's touch, Asena's stomach flipped and she felt nauseous. Asena could feel her body swaying slightly, her head pounding, stomach swirling.

Kirsi said something but Asena couldn't exactly hear her. While she wasn't stuck ten years in the past, Asena felt detached from the real world around her. She knew staying in this state would only make it worse, so Asena used all of her energy to focus on Kirsi. She ran through her head everything about the woman in attempts to bring her mind fully back to the present.

Kirsi was older than Asena at about twenty four and was the eldest of the triplets who all lived in camp, though her sisters Isolde and Eira said that the few minutes separating them meant nothing. Isolde worked with as a gunsmith in the forge, while Eira worked in the kitchens and nursery. The three women shared white-blond hair, a complexion nearly as pale, and snowy-white wings. Their eyes however, differed. Kirsi had eyes green as spring grass; Isolde, glacier blue; Eira, a near colorless pale blue.

Asena felt more grounded as Kirsi exchanged the cloth for a bandage from her med-kit, pressing even harder on the wound than Rhosyn had. Asena whimpered, biting part of her lower lip; she tasted the coppery tang of blood. Kirsi rubbed between Asena's wings, a soothing gesture. "I'm sorry I know it hurts."

Kirsi gestured with her free hand for Rhosyn or Elizeus to pick up her bag and walk with them to the med-tent. Rhosyn got to it before Elizeus did and began walking towards the pristine white tent that marked the makeshift hospital.

Elizeus patted Asena on the shoulder. "Feel better." Was all he said before steering Altin back to the pot of boiling water. Asena watched as their mission leader asked the young blond girl who had fallen, Evony, to help finish with the chopping. The girl turned a volatile shade of red beneath her golden hair but nodded so rapidly that Asena was surprised she didn't give herself whiplash.