- Lilianna! Faster, we can’t be late!

My mum. Always in hurry. Always calling me by full first name. I don’t like it, but I will never tell her about it. I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I know very well, she should get a medal for bear my moods. 

I take a deep breathe and look at the reflection in the mirror: „Horror” – only this term comes to my mind. I hate to dress up. I hate my school. Overall, I hate the entire Fourth Suburb. Fortunately, my agony is almost over. I won a scholarship so after two months I will go to Capital City and finally I will cut myself off from all those hopeless people who live here. Maybe someone will understand me there? Mybe they will like me? No, I don’t need much, but at least a little... Ah, such a good dreams - the only nice accent I can afford on this day full of artificiality. 

I know, what will gonna happen today and for only hint of thinking about it
I feel sick: graduation, photos, hugs and saying goodbye by friends „for life”: "Oh, I love you dearest". "How will I manage without you?". "I will die of longing" and other similar nonsense. Time to finally face the truth: I have no friends. Although it worries me on a daily basis, today I praise the heavens for this unique privilege. At least I don't have to listen to all these crap...

- Honey, please hurry up. Dad wait already in the car – I didn’t notice, when mum stood in the doorway exploring my face grimacy – Oh Sweetheart... – she sighed and came up to me to stroke my cheeks -I know you don’t like such days, but I can't help it, they make me happy. Finally, I will be able to see my daughter getting a high school diploma. I'm so excited! And what a diploma this will be! I bet all the girls in the class turn red with envy at the sight of your grades - Come on, smile a little... if you don't do it for yourself, please just do it for me and dad.

I smiled, but without conviction. We marched outside evenly. I sat in the back seat of our car and watched the surroundings. My mother was babbling, and my father patiently answered all her "oh" and "ah". I began to think: Parents - yes, they certainly are a good reason to be happy. They are always with me whenever I needed them. I love them boundlessly. Maybe because I'm an only child, or maybe because of the fact that they never tried to convince me to people or playground games and respected the fact that I prefer books than chasing after boys.

I snorted under my breath at that thought. I may not be ugly, but in my case it doesn't matter. I scare people away for a kilometer. I don't know how to behave with them. Holding hands and kissing on the bushes. Their smiles, stupid talks and getting drunk to death - this is not my world at all. Same like sport. I have no idea what discipline they are talking about. And the books? I could talk about them for hours, but half the guys who dared to approach me didn't even read school readings. At most, we could talk about computer games, but no one knew those that interested me, so there was really no way to find a common topic.

For the same reason I don't have any girl colleage. My clothes are mainly sports shirts, jeans and sneakers. I don't like all these dresses, tunics, ribbons and similar females accessories. That's why today I feel like a complete idiot: olive knee-length skirt, beige tights, cream blouse and matching high heels. Long and curly dark-red hair, modeled and dissolved. And this make-up made by my mother - although I brushed some of it when she turned around. Probably most of the girls will think that I look pretty and feminine today, but every part of my body already cries: "Help me, take this off!"

Yes, I know... - I am a recluse, I am strange, different, incomprehensible, stubborn, firm, honest above all and grumble. Oh, I'm grumbling. It's a fact - I smiled to myself, improving this way my own mood. Mum and Dad didn't miss it:

- What’s up daughter? Ready for a big day? – Father winked at me in the rearview mirror.

- Dad please, don’t remind me. If I think one second more about standing in the podium I will gonna throw up.  

- It won’t be that bad Darling – my mother turned around and grabbed my knee - You will go out like everyone else, collect your diploma, shake hands with the Principal and your Form Teacher, and stand in line with the rest of the graduates. And we... - she took out the camera and flashed after my eyes - we will take a souvenir photo for you. Oh, that's the whole philosophy. Please relax, breathe and everything will be fine.

- Easy to say - I muttered under my breath - Don't you get it? There will be looking at me ONLY… hmm... let me think... one thousand three hundred people!? On the same time! All eyes on me!

- Lila, you will manage it - dad was full of enthusiasm - You always manage. You work hard and you reach the goals. Think about this like next task on the exam. Your final grade depends on it. How about this? He raised his eyebrows and smirked - You are my perfect daughter. Does it not motivate you?

 - You know... - I choked wanting to suppress laughter -I am not ideal, but somehow this words better appeal to me...

A few minutes later we parked in the driveway. I opened the door and stepped out - Keep your fingers crossed for me! I shouted over my shoulder, though I howled deeply out of despair. Swallowing loudly, I started down the pavement towards the gym hall, where the rest graduates stood in their festive outfits. I stood with people from my class and we arranged ourselves in alphabetical order -You can do it Lila, you can do it, it's a piece of cake for you - I told myself, breathing loudly. And so I waited until finally my name was reading out:

 - We invite you Miss Lilianna Błysk! - Instinctively, I straightened up and adjusted my skirt. I crossed forward, not looking sideways. And although I heard that it is unnaturally quiet, I stubbornly tried not to worry about it.
I did everything as my mother told me. Without thinking. Like a machine. I went up the stairs to the podium and gently squeezed the hands of both ladies. I received my diploma and smiled slightly. I knew my cheeks were betraying my nervousness, but I couldn't help it. I heard when in general silence my mother took a souvenir photo of me. I was aware that everyone was looking at me. I guessed they got shocked: "Is it she?", "How is it possible?", "She was always that pretty? " Or something like: "Hmm…Why
I never noticed this before…".

I stood next to a boy from my class who was also watching with incredulous. God witnessed it, I really tried ignore him, but he was looking at me so intensely that I felt even more stupid - Oh, my dear mother... - I groaned in my mind while clenching my teeth - Why did you talk me into this outfit? Why you did me this make-up? I knew it'll be like this…

For a good two minutes I delved into internal considerations on the subject: "Can you burned with shame?" I assumed in advance that I did, but I wondered what happened next. You had to ask yourself how does a person actually burn? For coal? And what if, on the ash? Or like bacon? Is it possible to be ashamed as much to blush, glow, burn and disappear? I deeply hoped that my current state was the last stage of this process. I give my word that I would do anything to bury myself underground...

After a long time, reading of other people names was started back and interest in me gradually decreased. Finally I was able to relax. I looked discreetly around the gym hall and found my parents. As I guessed, they were bursting with pride. That was easy to predict. Their daughter emerged from the shadows and in their opinion finally glaw as she should.

I couldn't blame them. They deserved more for this moment than me. In the end I was from the "Błysk" family. "Błysk" means flash, glimmer and sparkle. And today I was shining for them. I could give them so much and I know that I would have suffered even more if necessary. Well... maybe without too much exaggeration.

The ceremony lasted forever. I had the impression that my legs will fall-off in a moment. The shoes were uncomfortable, the skirt stuck into the waist and the shirt glued to my back. Then of course there were hugs and congratulations, questions about studies and majors. A few boys wanted to invite me for a beer, but I politely refused. And politeness was not easy for me that day. I immediately imagined these pseudo-conversations. I couldn't take it anymore. They probably too. I headed for the door as soon as I was out of a sight. I didn't care if people would take it for escape. I have definitely finished this stage of my life.

I went outside and breathed out loudly. I let the rays of the sun spread over my face. Parents were waiting on me in the car. I got in and showed them my diploma. It was worth to spend few traumatic hours for this moment. I haven't seen them so happy for a long time.

Less than thirty minutes later I was in my room. Parents went upstairs to find a diploma frame. As soon as I crossed the threshold, I immediately began to take off my clothes. I hung them on hangers in the wardrobe and in underwear I headed to the bathroom. I washed off all the makeup, scrub my face and tied my hair in a twisted ponytail. Oh yes, I felt so much better. It was almost 6 pm so I dressed in my favorite sweatshirt and sweat pants and then rushed upstairs to help my mother prepare dinner.

Today it was festive, although we wore normal clothing. The smell of roast pork with plum was spreading all over the home. I had to admit that I really liked cooking. It was incredibly relaxing. I was using my hands, and thinking what I'm cooking occupied my head. I was running away from my problems, relieving stress or just quiet down. I combined work with pleasure. To be honest, if I had a second life and could make other choices instead of following the path of literature and poetry, I would direct my steps towards improving culinary techniques.

I loved those days when my parents and I sat at the table together and ate my dishes. Their taste made us feel better. Our eyes shone with laughter and the conversations were full of joy. Unfortunately, this only happened at home. I have never felt anywhere else so safe and at ease. Only in our four walls no one judged me. Well, unless I burned something...

The dinner was full of excitement. My mother praised me for how beautiful I looked and what a wonderful photo she will be able to put in the living room. Dad mimiced faces of the boys who were watching me. We laughed from ear to ear, wiping tears of joy. Around eight p.m., emotions subsided and I felt sleepy. I knew that for the next few days my graduation would be the number one topic in our home. Nothing could pass me, so I wished my parents a good night and left them in the living room absorbed in conversation.

I ran downstairs, lay down on the bed and plunged in thoughts. Honestly, I never liked being in the spotlight but it made me happy to think that someone might noticed me today. Although it meant nothing, because they could only see my better dressed-body and face with a little bit of make-up. My character and personality didn't matter. I never wanted to had anyone's attention, but it was unpleasant, that I had eighteen-year-old and was never intrigued by any man.

I knew that I clung to this thought, but I was hoping that in a new place, with new people, something finally will change. Maybe I'll have a friend and will open up to her? Maybe I will gain new interests and my life will eventually be more exciting? Maybe this, maybe that... Eh, there's no point in sunking in thoughts. The time to wash and go to sleep finally has come.

I took a shower and washed the weight off this day. I changed into the nightgown that I received from my parents in the morning. It was a gift for occasion - as my father said: "becoming an adult woman." I wanted to laugh at the thought that, according to my parents, graduating from high school was a benchmark. For me personally nothing at all has changed. I was the same Lila like I was last night.

The nightgown immediately interested me. Because of its originality. It was dark green with black stripes. On the borders it was additionally decorated with black lace. Willingly or unwillingly, it highlighted the color of my hair and wasn't too tight where it shouldn't be - in example it was slightly flared on the hips, but for that it emphasized my little size breasts. In general I presented myself pretty well, and most importantly nightgown was knee-length and it was warm. Someone thought well and sewed warm lining in it. Although I wasn't usually interested in such clothes, I liked this nightgown at first sight. Or rather from first touch. Or maybe from first try on? It doesn't matter... Never mind. However I wouldn't dare buy it myself.

I put a thick and long black terry dressing-gown on my shoulders. The effect decayed a bit, but I wasn't going to worry about it. Sleep was calling me to bed. I yawned, stretched and then jumped under the quilt.

- It was a hard day – I told myself. I looked at the dark ceiling and listened. I was sure my parents have already went to the bedroom because only silence rang in my ears. I closed my eyes and fell asleep slowly. The last thing my brain has registered was the fact that I slept in my dressing-gown, but I was too tired to take it off. 

I only managed to put my hands on the belt, and then drifted off into oblivion.