I tore open the box of my mom’s sweaters and threw out the ones that either wouldn’t fit me or were too ugly to see the light of day. The sweaters joined the rest of the mess I’d made as I rooted through the second-floor hallway closet. Every so often I’d glance at the growing pile and let loose a mad giggle I was glad no one was home to hear. They would cart me off to a mental hospital faster than I could blink.

My heart settled on five sweaters that looked stunning on me, though I wanted to take all eleven that fit the bill. I knew Maddy would be upset that I’d taken the gold one with the blue fringe, but she’d deal. Plus, it wouldn’t look that good on her (I was shaped more like my mom).

Footsteps echoed on the stairs, and I flinched. Then another laugh escaped me. My dad and his leach were away on their two-week honeymoon to Vegas, and Maddy worked until five this afternoon. No, no one with an incentive to stop me came up the stairs.

Jade crested the top of the staircase. Her usual half-smile faded when she caught sight of the floor. “What’cha doing?”

I pulled out another box, this one a bunch of Christmas decorations we hadn’t used in years. “Finding stuff to pack.”

Jade nodded at the open closet, and her thin, blond ponytail swished. “You keep a lot of your things in there?”

I dumped the Christmas junk onto the pile and tossed the box back into the closet. “Nope.”

Jade’s fish-like lips pursed. “Okay...”

I decided to take pity on my poor friend and explained, “Months ago I, Maddy, and my dad were supposed to go through all this. Downsize, you know? Well, they wouldn’t get on it, so I decided to.”

“Are you going to pick it up?”

I shut the closet door, gathered my new sweaters, and jumped into my open doorway to my left. “We have to get going.”

Plus, I loved the idea that Patty would have to see so much of my mom’s things, to remind her of the shoes she’d never fill. What would make it better if is my dad refused to clean up the mess and Patty had to do it. Maybe she’d cry the whole time. Or perhaps, if God was on my side, she’d get so upset at the situation she’d file for a marriage annulment.

Jade hopped in after me and stumbled over the duffle bag full of books I had beside my door. She caught herself before she fell on her face. “What’s in there? Bricks?”

I shoved the sweaters into the one tiny suitcase I had already brimming with clothes. “Should I bring some?”

Jade came over and sat on the suitcase, so I could zip it with relative ease. “Might be a good idea, actually. The house down the street got robbed a couple of days ago; all their guns were stolen.”

I stepped back to admire my handiwork. “Oh, shit. Was anyone hurt?”

Jade shook her head. “No one was—” Her eyes fell on my exposed left wrist. “Mo, did Tinkerbell do that?”

It took me five seconds to realize what she was talking about. When I did, I blanched, and tugged down the long sleeve of my Naruto shirt; covered the three marks I’d made with a safety pin last night when I couldn’t fall asleep. I hadn’t wanted her to know I’d done that, not when she’d spent the past few months working so hard to overcome her cutting habit of six years.

What if she blamed herself? As far as we both knew, Jade was the only one of our group of friends who’d self-harmed, and I’d been the one she’d confided in the most. I didn’t want Jade to regret turning to me, especially because I believe finally admitting her problem had led her down her current, healthier path.

I hadn’t thought about how gouging my wrist might impact anyone; I hadn’t done much thinking at all since my dad’s wedding. Or feeling, for that matter. I’d wandered the house and yard, numb to the world around me. Only one terrifying idea had managed to creep through my wall of detachment: what if I stayed like this, this was my life until I died?

It hadn’t brought any relief at the start, but halfway through the second mark, I was awash in all the emotions I’d been burying for months now. I’d made the third one to ensure the sensations lasted.

All today, the marks had stung, but I hadn’t minded. Anything was better than the pit of chronic disinterest I’d fallen into.

“Yeah, I forgot she doesn’t like her belly rubbed.”

“Uh huh.”

I couldn’t look at Jade, so I scrambled to load my arms full of my junk. “Hey, let’s get me moved. I don’t want to be here when the afternoon sets in. It’s supposed to be super muggy today.”

Jade’s attention flicked to the air conditioner in my window, cranked to the highest setting before it started to freeze over. Whenever I got too hot, I got swamp-ass, so I always kept my room at a temperature commonly found in late fall. The rest of my family didn’t hate the heat nearly as much as I did, but they still liked it on the cooler side.

In middle school, my house had been the place to hang in the summer.

Without another comment, I fled my room, went down the stairs, and out the door to Jade’s temperamental seafoam green Bug that was going to move me from my dad’s to Jade’s mom’s rinky-dink house across town. I hoped to do it in one go. The Bug didn’t like my winding, unlevel driveway, and Jade complained every time she felt her car jerk. Plus, there was no telling if Maddy would drop by or not, and I refused to be here when the disaster I’d created was discovered.

Jade’s expression was dark when she came out of the house with a tote full of my blankets. She didn’t talk to me as we stuffed the Bug, but she kept stealing glances at me. I made sure my sleeve didn’t ride up, and I jumped back and forth from wanting her to push the issue and praying she’d pretend she hadn’t seen anything.

When we finished, I locked up the house while Jade got into the driver’s seat. Soon, I joined her in the Bug. She watched me the entire time, and I suddenly became super focused on the ceiling.

“Please don’t be like me,” Jade finally whispered.

I breathed deep to hold the tears at bay. “I’m sorry if—I don’t—I didn’t mean to do it. It just sort of...overcame me.”

Jade patted my hand. “Hey, I get it, but...Please.”

I sniffled and nodded, though I couldn’t make a verbal promise. I had the sense to know I wasn’t in the right frame of mind. Who knows what I’d do next? I knew, though, I couldn’t let Jade find out.

Jade watched me for a bit longer, her expression unclear. Then she started the car, and we left for my new home.