“Girls! Don’t trust men! Men are evil and only want you for one thing. If there’s anything you take away from this, just remember that men only want you for your bodies, for sex. So never let them in, never let them touch you, and always be careful when you’re around them. If you let them in, they’ll only get you pregnant while they go off and cheat on you.”

As you know by now, my dad wasn’t in the picture growing up, but it sure didn’t stop people around me from talking about men in such a way that would later create problems for me. The relationships I saw and the way my siblings responded to them didn’t help either. In a family of four daughters you’d think that one of us would have better sense but sadly, I was only a kid and my sisters soaked up all the information they were given. It wasn’t until they were in their dating years that they acted on these past thoughts and got with everyone, but the right people.

It may be pretty extreme what I was taught but it stuck to me like glue. Now I’m scared of men. Sure, I like men on the outside, I have many friends who are men, but on the inside, I get repulsed by them. I have grown a deep hatred for men, a disgust that stems from their penis. I hate looking at it. I hate thinking about it. And most of all I hate the people who have them. Because while I knew that it wasn’t true, somewhere in the back of my mind I had them ruined for me as a kid.

My father’s actions further ruined men for me and only reinforced the things I was taught. But even through all this, I still had a craving for men. It wasn’t until later, when I met my boss at work, that I realized I was looking for a father figure in my life.

At first boys hated me or things just wouldn’t work out. The first crush I had was with a boy in second grade. God did I love that kid. I remember the first day when we accepted our feelings for each other, we were so close to kissing. But then the next day he disappeared on me, moving to god knows where, leaving me all alone. The next kid I liked was a complete asshole. When he found out I liked him he made fun of me in front of countless students. Great. Things couldn’t get any better. In high school, I had a boyfriend who I liked as a friend. I couldn’t tell him, so we dated for six months before I broke up with him. He was my best friend after that, and we kept in touch even after breaking up. That relationship proved to me that men weren’t so bad. That maybe I was the one in the wrong for thinking so badly about them.

Maybe I needed to change my views on men and what they wanted. In such a big world, could it be possible that every single man was the same? That all of them were just evil people waiting to get between your legs? To abandon you and leave you feeling all alone? It couldn’t be.

With a new perspective I met someone online. It was a really nice relationship…and then it happened. He said them. Three words that I was not expecting to hear. Three words that would ruin our relationship.

“I love you.”

What? You love me? That’s impossible! I couldn’t help but have so many things run through my head that day. But I said it back. I lied to him just to satisfy him, thinking that if I didn’t say it back he would leave me.

“I love you too.”

Those words were empty. So filled with lies that they couldn’t even pass a lie detector test and yet, here I was lying to this man. Ugh. I felt so crappy. But I had to do it, or else he would leave me…or so I thought. Months passed and I couldn’t handle it. I had to tell him the truth, I had to tell him that I didn’t love him. So I did.

“Hey, I have something important to talk to you about…”

“Ok, what’s up?”

“Well…I…you know how we’ve been saying ‘I love you’? I just can’t. I think I need more time…I’m sorry.”

“Oh…ok…uh. I have to go.”

He left that day and we never spoke again. I learned that day that I can’t say those words unless I really mean it. If so, I might hurt someone I don’t mean to hurt. He was the nicest person I had ever met. We even sent letters to each other. I still keep those letters too! I just…I couldn’t lie to him any longer. Lying was the worst thing I could’ve done for that relationship, but I learned my lesson. I tried online dating again. This time, with a friend I knew for a while.

Things were great at first, like always, and everything was as it should’ve been. No “I love you’s” were being thrown around and the distance kept me very happy. I didn’t have to deal with physical sex, only phone sex, and I liked it that way. I didn’t have to worry about getting pregnant. I didn’t have to worry about whether I was being cheated on (whatever he did in his own time was his business, I didn’t ask) and he was very nice to me. However, after some time, we started arguing. We’d argue about everything. Small things that didn’t matter. Then one day he said he’s planning on going to the military since college wasn’t working out for him. But I didn’t think it was ok. I was scared. I was worried I’d lose the person I had made a strong connection with. We argued and argued and in the end nothing would change his mind so I decided to accept it. I accepted it and told him that I would miss him and that he should be careful. Because of this I bought a plane ticket to his hometown of New Orleans, where I would be meeting him for the winter.

The time was now getting close. It was late fall, I had about a month before my trip. Then I told him that I would be studying abroad soon. I had been preparing the papers for a while now and wanted to expand my education. He was not happy.

“I want to go study abroad.”

“What? No. You can’t.”

“What? Why can’t I? I’ve been preparing this for so long. How could you tell me that I can’t go?”

“You’re always doing this. You can’t go just because you can’t. We’re already in a long-distance relationship, I don’t want to add the time difference to it.”

“I know but it’ll only be for a semester, I’ll be back.”

“You wouldn’t even let me go to the military, how do you want to go study abroad? NO.”

“What? Sure, in the beginning I didn’t want you to go, but then I accepted it.”

“Well, no means no. You’re not going and that’s final.”

We argued some more. In the end I got sick of it. If he can go to the military, why can’t I go study abroad? Why is it that this man is trying to stop me from advancing my education? I won’t accept it.

“Let’s break up.”

“What?”

“Let’s break up. I’m not letting some man tell me what I can and can’t do. If I could accept you going to the military, then the least you could do is consider me studying abroad.”

“No, I’m sorry, I’ll let you study abroad, anything you want, just don’t break up with me.”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t stay with someone who’s like this. We’ll only have more arguments in the future.”

And that day I realized that I not only needed to be honest, but I needed to be free and open to do what I wanted to do. If I wanted to advance my life in some way, then I needed the freedom to do so. No one was going to tell me that I was unable to do something, I was now my own person with my own set of rules. In the end I never went to study abroad and in the end had to leave the university I was attending due to mental health issues. However, if it’s one thing I learned that day it was independence. I was free. I could do what I want. I didn’t have to tell someone I loved them. I didn’t have to follow someone else’s rules about what I could and couldn’t do. I could be myself. And for a while, I did just that. I loved being alone and found that nothing had to be in my way to do what I wanted to do.

Then I met him. The love of my life.