As we arrived to the cabin Jacely and everyone else was already there taking their belongings out of the car and into the place.

This place seemed pretty big but looks can definitely be deceiving to say the least.

I got out of my car and walked up to everyone to greet them.

“Finally you all made it, seemed like it took forever.” Lydia said as she grabbed one of her bags.

“By the looks of it you all haven’t been here long so shut your face Lydia.” She stuck her tongue out at me and walked inside with one of her bags. If only I was a female I swear.

“I’m so excited Ari!” Jacely said as she gave me hug. "We have been talking about this for too long!"

“Yeah, same. So where is everyone sleeping?” This is a very important question and I am needing the answer quite fast. Gotta prepare myself for any funny business.

“So there are three bedrooms, Alex said he wouldn’t mind sleeping on a couch so Parker would get a room and then you and Ashton can share one as well. If that’s okay?” So that means...I have to sleep with him?

“We get to cuddle!” I heard right behind me, which scared the living daylights out of me.

“Damn it Ashton! You fucking scared me.” The blonde was laughing at me, which made Jacely start laughing which made me want to tackle the man.

“I’m so sorry Ari, I just got a little excited is all.” A little my ass, he basically became a whole teenager.

“He’s happy he gets to sleep with you Ari, don’t hold it against him.” I mean he already gets to sleep with me, if you know what I mean.

I glanced over at Ashton to see his reaction and I must say it was pretty damn adorable. His cheeks were lightly red from her comment, I could tell she gave him butterflies.

“I’m the big spoon.” I said as I gave him one of his bags.

“I kind of figured Ari.”

Once we all got our things in the cabin we all decided to chill. Parker went out for a run, and Alex and Ashton decided to go get some wood together for the fire place.

Actually it was more like Lydia and Jacely forced the two of them to go get it just so they could be nosy. I would bet my very last dollar that is why.

“So.” Jacely started.

“So what?” I repeated as I took a drag from my cigarette. The three of us were sitting on the porch deck, them two on the swing and me in this very nice sinkable chair.

“Tell us about the progress with Ash!” Lydia said as loud as she possibly could. Her and her damn mouth.

Also, I knew this is what they wanted out of me.

“Progress? There isn’t much progress to discuss quite honestly.”

“Oh quit lying Ari, you two seem so much closer. We can all see it. Have you finally decided that it’s best to actually give the guy a chance now?” Jacely wants me with Ashton something terrible, and I mean I do too in a way.

But she also knows about my past and what I have been through, she just wants me to be happy and wants me to make someone else happy.

Which I guess in a way I am but not fully.

“We have been getting closer but...I mean it hasn’t went anywhere if that’s what you are wondering. I just, I just can’t bring myself to do certain things with him. Like kiss him. That’s something he wants so bad and I won’t.” They both looked at me with wide eyes.

“You two have been talking for this long and still not even a single kiss?” Lydia said in a smart ass tone. Why does Jacely like this female?

“Seriously Ari? Not even once?”

“No. Not once. I want to, I want to real bad. But when I think about it I feel so disgusted with myself and with the idea that I can’t do it. Like I said there are certain things that I can not do with him.”

“Didn’t...didn’t you have a pretty rough patch there Ari?” Lydia has only known me for a few years, she wasn’t around when everything went to shit for me.

She knows a little bit of what happened to me but not to the full extent. Only two people know about it and Jacely is one of those people.

“Yeah I did. When I say it scarred me for life I’m not joking.”

“You are doing great Ari, at least you are trying with him. Which is more than what you have done with other people.”

“Like I took your advice Jace, and I just want to be friends with him. Really good friends and that’s it. It can not go any further than this because it isn’t going to end good for him. And I really appreciate you being supportive of me.” I know it sounds bad but it’s true.

I don’t know if anything could ever happen between us as far as a relationship. Things could change and I feel like I would want that, I’m just not ready for any of it.

“Don’t be so pessimistic about it dude. I bet he would be willing to wait for you.” Lydia is probably right about that too, I feel like Ashton would wait for me for as long as he could.

Would I want that though? What if I don’t want him in the end? In the end he is still a puppet to me.

“Who is waiting?” Parker said as he walked up the steps. I looked at him and became so disgusted, he was in his basketball shorts and no shirt. He does have an amazing body but that is not why am I disgusted.

Had he not done that to me I would have maybe slept with him one day, but he fucked up and I just see nothing but swine.

“Oh nothing just having a little conversation is all. You have a good run?” Jacely asked the man who was out of breath. Parker sat in the chair next to me and wiped his face with his shirt.

“Yeah it was great. Very peaceful and it was nice not having to avoid any people while doing so. Where is Alex and Ashton?”

“We made them go get some wood together.” Lydia had said while laughing. I don’t know why but it kind of made me a little mad.

Typically I don’t allow myself to get jealous because I don’t involve myself with anyone or allow myself to get close to them. Now look at me, becoming a damn fool.

“They have been getting a little close.” Jacely added in to what Lydia was saying. I really don’t like where this is going.

“Pssh we all know who Alex really wants here.” Parker said as he raised his arms up.

“You sure about that Parker? Since you play around too much I don’t know anymore.” Why is Lydia being like that? I looked at Parker and he looked at me and then we both look back at the dark haired girl.

“I do not play around.” Here we go. This isn't about to end well.

“Yeah you do, you and Ari both! You two act so innocent but in reality you two just go around and playing with good guys hearts.” Where the hell is all of this coming from? Jacely looked at Lydia and started talking low to her to get her to calm down.

“Did you say something to them while I was gone?” Parker said to me, hold the fuck up.

“Don’t come at me like that Parker I didn’t do a damn thing, everything was fine until you walked up here.”

“Oh so it’s my fault? You know what—“

“What the hell is going on?” Parker and I were in each other’s faces, neither one of us even realizing how close we were.

We were literally about to go at it. I looked towards the steps to see that Ashton and Alex were there looking at this entire situation.

I can’t believe Lydia did this, she caused all of this to happen and for what? There was no point in doing any of it for the simple fact that Parker and I were able to sit next to each other without arguing.

Now look. We were about to kill each other, well more like me kill him but whatever.

“What happened while we were gone?” Alex asked everyone but no one would answer him right away.

The silence was getting annoying and I didn’t want to stand around here any longer than what I was.

“I need to go.” I said as I pushed passed Ashton and Alex. I don’t want to be around any of them right now.

I heard Ashton say something but was instantly interrupted by one of the others telling him to let me go. I wasn’t sure where I was going to go because I don’t know what was out here but I knew that I needed my space.

Lydia can be such a bitch some times and for what? That was so unnecessary, I could tell that even Parker was pretty hurt by her words.

Honestly I’m not sure why he won’t get with Alex and I don’t really care about his reasoning but she knows mine in a way. Jacely knows completely what I have been through and I hate that she doesn’t try to make Lydia understand that I don’t want anyone.

I don’t need anyone.

“You...are so....beautiful...when you have the look of fear in those eyes Sug...” I had no control over the tears that were falling from my eyes, I was so scared and I hated that he could see it.

“Please Kem..”

“Sshhhh....don’t...say a....word...”

I opened my eyes and felt all the water coming from them, I didn’t even know what I had even started crying.

It’s been a very long time since I have cried about it...or him. This was such a mistake for me to come here especially if Lydia is going to keep throwing shade at me.

I’m not a bad guy.

I don’t like hurting people.

But I don’t like being hurt either.

I was sitting on the ledge of this cliff and was just staring over all the trees, it was so beautiful and it was so peaceful that I didn’t want to leave this.

Being right here was so much better than being back there with them. I know Ashton is there with them but even he is making this hard for me.

“Ari?” I was scared out of my thoughts as I wiped the tears from my eyes and took a deep breath. I turned my head to see Ashton there with a worried look on his face. “Are you...is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah I’m fine.” My eyes went back to the view that was in front of me. Ashton took a seat next to me and also began staring at what I was.

Nothing was said between us for a few minutes it wasn’t awkward or anything it was actually nice. Just to have the presence of someone next to me who wasn’t trying to be a bitch was nice.

“I didn’t mean to storm away. Lydia just...she knows how to push my buttons.” I could see Ashton just nod. I didn’t mind that he wasn’t speaking, I would rather him just listen anyways.

“I’m sorry I’m like this Ashton. I’m sorry I don’t want to be anything meaningful to you, such as be in a relationship. I’m not going to lie to you just to make you happy I don’t wanna fake anything.

“You would only get hurt much worst in the end if I just give you what you want. I’m not being selfish, or maybe I am. I don’t know but I do know that you will thank me...Ich werde dich eines Tages lieben...” The last part I whispered but I said it loud enough so he could at least hear it a little bit.

Ashton looked at me with an expression that I could not figure out.

“They say truth hurts and it’s true...I like you so much Ari. I know that I shouldn’t because you were only supposed to be a one night stand in the beginning. But I felt something with you, something that I know that I shouldn’t have had...

“I’m not sure what it was that you said at the end but I hope it was something to reassure me that everything will work out and that you will let me in.” Why me? Why does he want me? I do nothing but use him.

“This trip was supposed to be for all of us to leave everything behind. Yet here we are with it all..” Ashton grabbed one of my hands and brought it up to his lips and kissed it.

“It’s okay to hurt and it’s okay to express it. Yes this is supposed to be a little vacation, but we still have pain that we all deal with.” Why was he brought into my life?

“Yeah..” Ashton was staring right into my soul, my heart was beating like crazy I felt like I was going to puke.

“Ari..” Ashton put one hand on the back of my neck and pulled me close to him. His other hand was on my cheek cuffing it and I just knew what he was wanting.

Before I could tell him no his lips had collided with mine.

So many emotions were going through my head and body. I wanted to love it, I wanted to kiss him back. But instead everything wrong was happening in me.

I pushed him back and stood up. I was shaking so much as I wiped my hand on my lips.

“I’m..I’m sorry Ari I—“

“Stop..” I said as low as I could. Ashton walked up to me and grabbed my arms with a tight grip. He was doing everything that I did not want.

“Listen—“

“I said stop! Let me go!” I pushed him again and took a step back. Not now.

Please not now.

My body was trembling, my eyes were swelling up with tears and I was starting to hyperventilate.

This has lot happened to me in a long time. I could hear Ashton say my name but it sounded like he was saying it to me while I’m water.

I went to the ground, held my knees and began crying.

My heart was pounding so much that it was hurting, I couldn’t even breathe properly. Ashton got in front of me and I could see the panic on his face.

He was trying to talk me through this, I just couldn’t hear anything that he was saying to me.

Ashton is trying to help me like he helps his sister.

He grabbed me and pulled me in for a hug and rocked with me lightly.

“It’s okay...I am here Ari. Just breathe for me Ari, it’s just us..” his words were seeping through all the negative and it was helping. His voice was so soothing to me it was as if I needed him this entire time.

“Whatever it is that has happened to you is all in the past. I know that it will still haunt you and I know that it will be something you can not forget, you can’t let it hold you back forever. You have to let go...” Those words hit in a totally different spot for me.

I have to let go.