Invasive. Wrinkled hands.

     A rumble shook the ground, the heavens unleashing its wrath on the world.

Empty. Chilled breath.

     The night was surprisingly warm even with the onslaught of the thunderstorm. Yet my body trembled, hands cupping the warm pot of tea I had brewed for myself.

     I hated this, this weakness of mine. The flashes of lightning that illuminated the night sky and the little table in front of me only made it slightly more bearable. Sitting cross-legged on the floor, my gaze fixed on the opposite wall, I reminded myself that there was nothing left to fear.

     But another roar from outside immediately sent goosebumps down my arms. My heart pumping furiously, it was as if my body refused to let me forget what had happened all those years ago. I ran my hands up and down the length of my arms, trying to get rid of that repulsive sensation of long, wrinkled fingers touching my skin.

     Had the late Empress felt this way as well? Or all those other concubines, for that matter? Did they feel that their youth and innocence was worth sacrificing for the sake of sating their lust for power? Or had regret slowly nibbled away at their soul for each act of malice they had to participate in?

     With so many factions within the Forbidden Palace, each of them with their own agenda, it was impossible to survive without performing some misdeed. Those who could not play the game of betrayal, deceit, and murder very quickly lost their lives.

     There is only dead and not dead. So live each day without looking back at the past.

     My hands quivered as the late Emperor’s words echoed in my ears, the tea almost spilling from the cup as I poured myself more of the steaming hot liquid. Putting the pot down, I took a sip, letting the warmth seep through my veins and ease my heart.

     As much as I detested the man who roughly stole my purity, his words ironically became one of my guiding principles until now. He was right after all. In the Palace, it didn’t matter whether you were born rich or born poor. Everyone had a part to play in the battle for power and only those who could play their cards right – with a pinch of luck and fortune – would be able to succeed.

     And I had almost failed when my plan to sabotage the late Empress had been revealed. Thrown into the Cold Palace, it was only by a stroke of luck that I had met the Crown Prince. Had I not taken the opportunity, I would have been long dead.

     Shivering as the warm liquid coursed through my body, I sighed at the small relief it provided. I brought my legs up to my chest, resting a hand on a knee. The baggy sleeve dropping down to my elbow, I noted the darker red tint to the dragon mark. Thinking back, I wondered whether it had been such a good idea to get myself tethered to the Crown Prince after all.

     At the time, it seemed like the best course of action to ensure that the Crown Prince’s affections for me never wavered. Besides, I did hold some amount of feelings towards him and the thought of other romances forming never entered the equation. But now… all that had changed.

     With the Crown Prince already dead – not due to my doings this time but nature’s due course – and the appearance of Li Wai, it was hard for my heart not to waver. After all, he was the one man who had been a constant source of support during my younger years. If not for Li Wai, I would have been long dead. If not for him, I would have lost my mind wandering from one village to village with no purpose, like a broken doll. It was only natural to retain some emotional attachment to the man… wasn’t it?

     A sharp sting in my arm reminded me otherwise. I leant back against the mud wall with a sigh, my eyes drooping as the day’s events took a toll on my body again. Refusing to address the burning reason behind the slow poisoning of my body was not a solution; that I knew. But I was in a quandary.

     I was used to dealing with difficult political affairs, complex alliances and relations but never had I faced a problem of the heart before. The best way I knew how to deal with it was to lock my feelings away and that was what I had been doing the past few days. Until now, it had seemed like the only other way. That is until my little talk with Han Ge.

     She was like me – strong, intelligent, a survivor. Yet she had chosen such a preposterous way to handle the poison that was slowly crippling her. Just live with it and enjoy being with the one you love while you lose everything including your very own life? I huffed in contempt, my hands falling to rest on my lap. How was that solution any better…

     My consciousness slowly fading, I struggled to maintain my train of thought. But the lull of sleep was too overpowering, pulling me into its warm embrace. As my bodily functions drifted into a state of serene stillness, one last question echoed in my mind.

     Why then was I so envious of her?