The morning started out well. Thanks to Connor, Theo was awake earlier than he would have chosen for himself, but that was pretty typical. Besides, things were good. It seemed like Connor still wanted to be in their relationship despite Theodore making demands that he didn’t want to meet. He woke Theo up, kissed his throat, and invited him out for pancakes. It was the sort of morning they might have had two weeks before; before they’d ever started talking about the holidays. As the morning went along, though, Connor seemed to get more and more nervous.

It wasn’t really a discussion, but Theodore quickly realized that Connor intended to have them spend the day together. After they’d eaten breakfast, Theo walked Connor back to his apartment. From there, Theo planned to go home; he needed to vacuum, wash dishes, and feed his cat. Connor didn’t want him to go, though. Most days, Theo wouldn’t let that stop him. Connor was always acting like he didn’t want Theo go home, but Theo would go home anyway because Connor shouldn’t always get his way. This day, though, Connor looked at Theodore like he was afraid that Theo might not be real. It was like Theo couldn’t be trusted not to dissipate without Connor’s direct supervision. Or maybe it was the opposite. Maybe it was that Connor thought he himself might not be real, and that he needed Theodore with him to acknowledge his existence so that he could feel steady in his own skin.

“Connor, come on, I have to go take care of my cat,” Theodore said, nudging Connor’s shoulder. Connor frowned at the ground and then just said, “Theo, please?” His voice broke in that space between the two words. So, Theo went back up to Connor’s apartment with him. They sat across from each other in the living room. Connor sat cross-legged on the floor, typing quickly on the laptop he’d balanced on his lap. Theo sat on the couch with a book in his hands. The book was open, but Theodore was neglecting it entirely. Instead, he was just watching Connor, curious and concerned.

When Connor finished typing up his review, he shut his laptop and tossed it onto the couch next to Theo. Then, he crawled into Theo’s lap and kissed him. Theodore put his hands at Connor’s hips to steady him and Connor dropped his forehead to Theodore’s shoulder. This was what they were like when they first started dating, before they figured out how to occupy the same space without constantly touching. Theodore ran his hand over Connor’s side and Connor readjusted so he was sitting in Theodore’s lap, nose nuzzling Theodore’s collarbone. He was like a cat, but needier. He was like a cat who had been left out in the rain all day.

“What’s going on?” Theo asked.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean...why are you acting so...I don’t know, clingy?” Theo asked.

Hurt, Connor drew his eyebrows together and frowned, “Why would you say that to me?”

“I’m not,” Theo sighed. Connor was literally clinging to him: his hands were locked behind Theo’s neck. “It’s not a criticism, it’s just...not like you. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I just like you,” Connor said, like it was an answer. It was a lie though, so Theo frowned at him until he amended, “Okay. I think you broke my heart a little bit.”

“What?” Theo asked, eyebrows pointed up towards his hairline in surprise.

“Nothing,” Connor said, blinking quickly. He pressed a kiss to Theo’s cheek and said, “I’m thinking we should stay at your apartment tonight because it’s closer to the airport.”

“Connor. Stop. What do you mean I broke your heart?”

“Nothing. I shouldn’t have said that,” Connor sighed.

“Okay, but you did, so what did you mean by it?” Theodore asked, brow furrowed.

Whatever he meant, Connor didn’t want to say. He and Theo studied one another for a minute before Connor broke. He closed his eyes and with a voice like a wince he said, “Things just aren’t going right and it--”

With a voice harsher than he’d intended it, Theodore interrupted to clarify, “The fact that I want you, my boyfriend, to introduce me to your family breaks your heart?”

Connor shrunk back like he’d been slapped and burrowed his face back in Theodore’s shoulder. Voice quiet, childlike, he asked, “Would you please quit being mad at me?”

“I’m not mad at y--” Theodore started.

“Yes, you are,” Connor mumbled. “And I need you to stop, and maybe just let me be clingy for a little bit without making me feel weird about it.”

Theodore frowned. When Connor looked back up at him, there was hurt in his eyes and a slight quiver to his jaw. Typically, Theodore James’s boyfriend was sure of himself, almost to the point of arrogance. When Connor was stressed, overwhelmed, or anxious, it usually showed up as annoyance or frustration. Now, instead, Connor just looked fragile. And so, Theo laughed one of those short little laughs that barely escaped his lips. He kissed Connor’s forehead and promised, once again, that he wasn’t mad. He squeezed Connor’s shoulder and agreed that, because his apartment was marginally closer to the airport, they should stay there. The difference in location would probably only shave about five minutes off their trip, but staying at Theo’s place would benefit him because there were things he needed to get done at his apartment before they left.

For awhile, they just sat on the couch in Connor’s living room. Connor had his forehead pressed to Theo’s chest and Theo’s arms wrapped around Connor’s back. Eventually, Connor said. “So...I’ll pack and then we can head over to your place?”

Theodore nodded and Connor stood. After he took a few steps towards his bedroom, Connor looked back to see if Theodore was coming with him. Theodore hadn’t intended to; he thought he might actually read part of the book that he’d spent two hours flipping through. But Connor had his eyebrows raised and the corner of his lips pressed beneath his teeth and he was pushing his fingers through his hair, nervous and shy. Theodore didn’t have much of a choice but to follow.

In Connor’s room, Theodore flopped onto his bed and started flipping through an issue of GQ that was abandoned on the nightstand. He got distracted pretty quickly, though, because Connor was standing in the closet, body rigid, with one hand fidgeting quickly, drumming his thumb on his thigh.

“Hey, babe?” Theo asked. “You okay?’

It was a stupid question, Theodore chastised himself for it as soon as he asked it, because it seemed pretty obvious that Connor was not okay. Connor finally started moving, but he was just pulling shirts out and then immediately putting them back. His forearms had started shaking. Theodore slid off of the bed and walked over to the closet. He placed a hand at the small of Connor’s back and pressed his lips into Connor’s hair. Again, he asked, “Connor? Are you okay?”

Connor nodded and mumbled, “Yeah...I just...um. I’m maybe having a mental block.”

Theodore swallowed and tried not to feel it like a knife in his chest. The meanest part of his brain said that the mental block was Theodore’s fault because Connor didn’t want to let Theo into the rest of his life.

“Okay,” Theo said. “That’s okay. Do you want me to do it? To pack for you?”

“Um,” Connor mumbled, gently kicking the toe of his shoe against the closet’s door-frame.

“Or, here, we’ll just do it together. Let’s see. What all will you need? Are you going to do any work while we’re there?”

“Um. Yeah. I think. Tentatively.”

“Tentatively?”

Connor nodded, “Yeah, there’s a club owner who should be calling me this afternoon about a show on the 23rd.”

“Is that it?” Theodore asked. Connor nodded and Theo ran a hand over his shoulder blade. “Okay, so, club clothes for one night.”

Theodore stepped further into the closet, located a pair of jeans and a hooded vest. He paused at Connor’s collection of t-shirts, selected two, and then passed them to him. Connor just set everything in his suitcase without even considering whether or not he liked the clothes that Theo selected.

“Okay,” Theodore continued. “What about family traditions? Do you go to church or have a fancy dinner or anything?”

“Um, midnight service?”

“One set of church clothes, then?” Theodore asked and Connor nodded. This was how it went for a while: Theodore would ask questions, Connor would answer, Theodore would pick out clothes, and Connor would pack them. When they finished, Connor just stared into his bag, looking like a robot who needed to be charged.

“Babe?” Theo asked, pressing a palm against Connor’s back.

“Yeah?” Connor asked, but he didn’t really ask. His voice was distant and he didn’t even look up from his bag. When Connor’s phone started to ring, it broke whatever trance he was under. He answered, “Hello? Oh, no. Knight Rocker is fine. I don’t really work with names.”

Theodore caught his gaze, nodded, and started to step away to give him space to conduct his business. Connor’s hand shot out and caught Theodore’s elbow, though, so Theo waited, listening to Connor’s half of the conversation. “Yes...okay...usually, but since I’m traveling... yes, exactly.”

This was Connor’s most charming voice. It lived just on the edge of flirtatious. Theodore didn’t like listening to it, not when it was directed to others anyway, but he always told himself not to mind. It was part of Connor’s job: he always had someone that he needed to charm. Connor laughed and said, “Yeah, looking forward to it. All right, I’ll see you Saturday.”

When Connor hung up, he slipped his phone into his pocket and his hand into Theo’s, like everything was normal, like he didn’t just have to get dragged out of a cationic state and that it wasn’t work that succeeded in reviving him. Connor kissed Theo’s chin and asked, voice almost bright, “To your place?”

“All right,” Theodore said, and they headed that way.